Cuts Like A Knife

Sometimes, the littlest or most random thing will make the loneliness of being single so painful, it’s almost unbearable. As ‘dramatic’ as that may sound, I know that I can’t be alone in this.

I believe there’s a huge difference between being alone and being lonely. I LOVE being alone actually (most of the time). Sometimes, I can’t wait for my roommate to go home on the weekends so that I can have the place to myself. And for all the times that I wish I had someone to come home to and tell about my day, I probably enjoy coming home to an empty place even more. But – it doesn’t mean I’m not lonely.

The other night I went to the movies with B and C. They went in to get seats while I got in line for some popcorn. As they turned to walk into the theatre, C grabbed B’s hand; a tiny little gesture that was pretty insignificant. Aside from the fact that B & C are almost never affectionate with other, for some reason, this particular scene triggered something that made me stop – and stare at them from a distance as they headed away from me. In that moment, the longing to have someone just hold my hand was so overwhelming, I almost burst into tears right there in the concession line. The pain of loneliness was so palpable at that moment, triggered by something that is so natural and “everyday” for so many people.

I can’t even remember the last time I felt that kind of intimate affection from someone; a kiss, holding hands, cuddling, a deep hug, sex (I don’t even want to admit how long THAT’S been), a hand on my cheek, the small of my back, or my knee – the craving to feel someone touch me with gentleness and affection is killing me. And more than that, the fear and uncertainty of how much longer I will have to go without it is too much for my mind, and my heart, to take.

Guy Wanted

I’m sure that all the single girls out there miss the same things I do about being being in a couple – the kissing, the cuddling, the phone calls, the texts, the companionship, the friendship, and yes – the sex. But sometimes, it’s the little random things about just having a GUY around, that I miss.

For example, this week I had to take my car in for an oil change. No big deal, I’ve done this plenty of times on my own and don’t need a guy to ‘help’ me. But, the mechanic who was taking my information at the garage asked me if I wanted to do the ‘third level’ tune-up, and went on to explain what that entailed. Well, you know what? I had no idea what he was talking about. But of course, he went on about how it’s really important that I get this done because I’ve passed X number of kilometres and winter is coming, blah, blah, blah. And while he seemed pretty sincere, I couldn’t help but wonder if he was just trying to ‘up-sell’ me (as is his job.) So, I half-heartedly agreed, but asked them to calculate the price first. Well. It was almost $300, compared to the $72 I would pay for the regular tune-up. Thing is, I didn’t know what to do!! I mean, does my car really need all that maintenance before winter?! Maybe it does! It sounded legit. But I am a “girl’s girl “and not ashamed to admit it. I know SQUAT about cars and maintenance, and all I was thinking at that moment, is how badly I wish I had a guy around to ask (or, just take the car in for me So, it’s quite possible I could break down on the side of the highway this winter because I wasn’t sure whether or not to buy into what was, or was not, just a sales pitch.

In the same week, my washing machine started leaking. Yep. Water all over the floor. But of course, I had to wait a few days until my Dad had time to come over and look at it. AND – my stupid, sliding closet door has been broken/off its hinges for more than a month now, and although I have tried to fix it on my own, I’m just not tall or strong enough to get it back on the track. IT SUCKS. Every morning I have to get my coat and shoes out, I curse that stupid door and the fact that I have been too embarrassed to ask one of my guy friends (or my Dad) to come over and fix it for me (because I know it only takes 2 seconds). Should have had my Dad fix it while he was here the other night… DUH.

Anyway, I’m not saying that girls can’t do this kind of stuff. I’ve gotten used to doing a lot of things on my own and know that I am perfectly capable of doing just about anything -   if I looked up instructions online, or made the effort to try and learn more about cars, and plumbing etc., I could do it. One day, I’m sure I’ll be grateful that I lived on my own and learned to fend for myself. The thing is, it would just be nice sometimes to have a guy around to help. I hate taking out the kitchen garbage…with a passion. I hate having to do all the cleaning by myself. I hate having to do laundry, especially folding and ironing, by myself. I hate cooking by myself. I hate grocery shopping and carrying all the bags upstairs…by myself. There’s no splitting errands or crappy chores when you’re single.

Merry Christmas (to me)

I’ve said before that one of the advantages of being single is that you save money having to buy gifts for a significant other (and his family) on special occasions. So the way I see it, I might as well spend the money I would spend on a boyfriend – on myself!

That’s why this week, C. and I booked ourselves Christmas facials at one of the swankiest spas in town. For one hour, it’s going set me back WAY too much but I don’t care. C. and I agreed this would be our Christmas present to each other and I’m justifying spending the other half (we’d never usually spend this much on each other!) as a Christmas present to myself…

Single? Merry Christmas to you! Go out and treat yourself to something special I HIGHLY recommend a spa facial…

Do YOU Believe?

The subject of this post is really two-fold.

First, “Do you believe?” happens to be the slogan for CTV’s promos for the Olympic games. Why does this matter? Well, I just found out that I was offered a volunteer position at the Olympics!!! AMAZING. This is really a dream come true for me; to actually participate in the Olympic Games in my home country. I’ll be traveling from Ontario to BC for just over 3 weeks in February, and I absolutely can’t wait. Definitely a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and I’m so glad I took a chance and went for this!

Now – the second idea behind this post is the idea of psychics. That’s right, psychics.

A few weeks ago, my mom went to an event where there was a psychic as a guest speaker. Halfway through her presentation, she turned to my Mom (who was sitting just off to the side) and said abruptly: “I need to talk to you after.” So, when she was finished, the psychic came over to my Mom and basically said that although she knows her daughter (ME) has been going through some rough times in the last couple of years (very true), that things were going to turn around for me in 2010 and it will be my year; she sees me doing some traveling (true), and says that in February 2010, I’m going to meet someone and he will be the “one”. She also proceeded to tell my Mom a few more things about myself and my brother, all eerily accurate. AND – she also recalled some things from my mom’s past, that very few people are privy to. So….

I certainly don’t plan on living my life based on what this woman has said. But – I’d by lying if I said I didn’t find myself a little….relieved? I kind of feel like I can just let it go for awhile, you know? Not think about it. And if it doesn’t happen – well it doesn’t happen. But if it does? I won’t have spent these last few months dwelling on it. Of course, I should be able to do this – let it go that is – without the guidance/predictions of a psychic;  but I guess there’s just something kind of reassuring about it that gives me that extra bit of belief….weird? Yes. Harmful? No.

So, do YOU believe?

Advantage: Single.

We all know that no matter how crappy it might feel at times, there ARE advantages that come with being single. Some are legit, and some are just things we repeat to ourselves so we feel better about our single situation. Today,  I most definitely experienced one of those legit advantages.

A few months ago, my (single) friend JD and I were talking about what we should do for New Year’s. We knew we didn’t want to stay in town, and as much as I love my friends, I wasn’t super excited about going to B&C’s annual New Year’s party with a bunch of married couples. We threw around a few ideas – one being a trip to the south of France where JD went to school and worked for two years. She goes back every few months to visit friends, and suggested this as an option (among a few other closer-to-home options as well). So, after going back and forth and considering some other (and cheaper!) options, we decided – “What the hell?” – and booked our flights to Nice today.

Not only am I thrilled that JD was kind of enough to include me in her plans to go back to Monaco for a visit, but I’m also thrilled that instead of just talking about the things you can do when you’re single (ie. spontaneously booking expensive travel), I’m actually doing them. Ever since I traveled to Europe with Contiki (HIGHLY recommend this if you’re between 18-35, single – or not – and want to travel. Best time of my life) – I’ve wanted to go back. It completely opened my eyes to what’s out in the world, and was seriously life-changing. It’s so easy to find excuses not to do these kinds of things; mostly money, time and responsibilities. Well here’s what: at the end of the day, you can’t take it with you. And life’s just too short. So yes – this will be an expensive trip, but I know I’ll never regret it. I just got a big raise, and should spoil myself. I should take advantage of the fact that I don’t have to discuss this with anyone else, and don’t have to fight over how much money it’s going to be, and that I could just decide one day to book a trip and do it. I’m also taking the train to Italy for a few days to see (and meet!) some of my relatives, so I can’t wait for that either. What a great way to start 2010.

On top of all this, I have yet to mention in my blog that I interviewed (and am waiting NOT so patiently for) a volunteer position with the Vancouver 2010 Olympics. I have always been fascinated by the Olympics, and would even go as far to say that I have a real passion for it. There’s something so amazing about all those countries coming together for the love of sport. And as a very proud Canadian, I couldn’t pass up an opportunity to participate in something like this in my home country. If I get the position, it’s likely I may have to stay in Vancouver for up to 4 weeks (luckily I have relatives out there who have agreed to take me in!) Would I have taken this leap if I wasn’t single? Maybe, maybe not. But the fact is that I can do it – I’m not leaving anyone behind for a month, I have a good job that will let me take time off for an opportunity like this, and I don’t have to worry about someone thinking I’m crazy for spending money on another expensive trip. And I’ve decided that even if I don’t get the position, I’m flying out to Vancouver for a week during the Olympics anyway, because – “Why not!?” The final phase for tickets is this Saturday so I’m hoping to secure tickets for a couple of events.

Yes – it’s true that I will probably be broke when I get back in February, and might find myself saying: “What the heck were you thinking spending all that money on travel?! Now you’re broke!” But you know what? NOW I feel like I’m finally taking advantage of my single life, and I’m finally starting to accept love it. Yay me

and then there was one

It’s official. My friends are married. I am now the only single in our group of 9. C&A’s wedding was absolutely beautiful – stunning. And I had a ton of fun. It also marked my last (and 6th) duty as a bridesmaid/maid of honour. It’s a lot of work and time being in a wedding, but the day-of is always so much fun. So, as excited as I am to be done with the stress of the costs and planning, it’s strange not to have a wedding to look forward to being in. Actually, for the first time in I don’t know how long, I don’t have ANY weddings on my calendar – none to be in, and none to go to. I think my bank account could use the break

Of course, now that these weddings are over – all talk has turned to babies. I didn’t think it would happen so fast, but the couples that I know have been together for a long time (since high-school for most of them), and many of them living together for awhile so they don’t see the need to wait. As excited as I am for my friends to start this part of their lives, it’s hard not to feel like they’ve set sail on a ship that I’m not on; like I’m on a completely different ship, going in the opposite direction.

As bad as this might sound, I was actually looking forward to getting back to our ‘normal’ lives and conversations again – we’ve had three weddings in our group in the last year and a half, so there’s been a lot of wedding talk. A LOT. Don’t get me wrong – I enjoyed helping two of my best friends plan their weddings. But, I find it difficult sometimes to continually have conversations about things that don’t apply to me, or that I can’t contribute to. Already, talk has turned to the dos and don’ts of pregnancy, getting pregnant, having babies etc, etc so it feels like the cycle is starting all over again.

As a 27 year-old single woman, I want to talk about the dos and don’ts of dating, and work, and careers and travel – so I can’t help but feel like I’m at a completely different life stage than the rest of my friends. I love going out with my single girlfriends (the two that I have!) We have much more in common, and share similar stories and can relate to each other – not just about being single, but about our interests, our plans, our jobs etc. The good thing is that I’m content with that – I don’t want to get married right now. I don’t want to be pregnant. I don’t want to be at that life stage yet. I want do the ’single things’ now, and save the other stuff for later; there’s still plenty of time for me to do all that. But it scares me – because I’m afraid that these differences in interests, and life stages and conversations are going to separate me from my other, very close friends. Because as happy as I am for them, it’s difficult. It’s difficult to feel like I’m behind – when really – I’m not! But they now have all these shared experiences in common, and I don’t. And while I can’t imagine not being there when the babies start arriving, I’m feeling a little left out; like the rest of them will have these common bonds and experiences that I can’t share in. I’m sure my fears are unwarranted, but it’s hard to say what will happen – friends have gone their separate ways over much less. Funny part is, I don’t have this fear about my relationships with each couple individually; I only find it difficult when we’re all in a group and talking about this kind of stuff.

Safe to say, the relationship dynamics of our group will probably change – but here’s hoping that my friends will let me take a sail on their boat once and awhile, and hopefully they’ll want to sail on mine.

Friend.

My best friend is getting married on Saturday. And I can’t wait.

Despite the fact that I have had somewhat of an emotionally tough time making it through weddings this year, this one gives me no trepidation or anxiety whatsoever. I am beyond excited to celebrate this day with them, and even more excited that I get to be a part of it as C’s Maid of Honour. She has picked a great guy – and I’m so lucky that A. has become such a good friend to me as well. It’s great that I get to cap off my bridal party duties (this is number six) with two of my favourite people.

I really struggled trying to write my speech because C. has been such an amazing friend to me, and I wasn’t sure I could find the words to tell her just how much her support means to me. I hope that I have. There are a few surprises up my sleeve as well

C. is going to be the most beautiful bride ever – AND – she has the classiest taste, so I know that everything is going to look fantastic. She had a bit of bad luck today, and I am praying that things will work themselves out by Saturday. She deserves to have this day be perfect.

I love you C. and I can’t wait for Saturday!

in pursuit of happiness

“To have joy one must share it. Happiness was born a twin.” Lord Byron, 1788  – 1824

Do you think this is true? I believe that people can be happy alone (although not sure I’m there yet). But sometimes, the pursuit of happiness - is a lonely road. Especially when the twin is missing. And I believe that you can be happy, without neccessarily experiencing happi-ness – does that make sense?

On Friday, I had my annual performance evaluation at work. I always get nervous for these despite the fact that I’m fairly confident in my job, and consistently reassured that I’m doing well. Turns out – my boss thinks I’m fantastic. I exceed expectations. People like working with me. She thinks I have potential to be a leader on our team. AND – she thinks I’m so great that I’m getting a big fat raise. Now – who wouldn’t be happy about that!? Of course I was…

But then I came home. And there was no one to tell. No one to celebrate with. No one to hug and kiss me and say “I told you so!” or “Congratulations!” and “You deserve it!” My parents were thrilled of course, and my best friend C. – but it just wasn’t the same. It was lonely. And although it was great news, and I was happy about it – the happi-ness of being able to share it with someone was missing.

I’m sure there are people reading this who think I’m a whiner – that I should just be thankful for such a great opportunity, and happy that everything else in my life is going great. And so what if I’m single? It’s one piece out of a whole puzzle of things that make up a happy life. But sometimes, I’d be willing to give up so many of those other puzzle pieces to have someone who’s committed to me. Because if everything else in my life was less than perfect, you’re still left with someone to share it with. The highs and the lows. Someone in my corner who’s made the choice to love me, support me, and be happy with me. Whatever I’m going through, I’m not alone. And I do believe that happiness is so much sweeter when you share it with someone. And the lows are much easier to get through when it’s someone’s job and commitement to be on your side.

But this is my blog – and I’ll whine if I want to. This just reassures for me again that – IF – I ever do find someone who becomes my partner, I know I will be that much more grateful. And if all of these other good things in my life go away, I will remember this blog and how badly all I wanted was someone to share it with. So for me, the pursuit of happiness goes on…

Spoke too soon

As per my previous post, I may have jinxed myself.

I apparently thought I was OK with the whole X/GF situation. But regardless of whether I am or  not, going to a wedding where you are single and your ex is there with a new girlfriend, SUCKS. And unfortuantely, going home alone after it is even worse. Not feeling in a fesitve, Thanksgivingy mood….

I might be OK

I write this title hesitantly, because everytime I think I’m “OK” when it comes to any issues relating to X, I inevitably jinx myself, something dramatic happens and I find that I am indeed, NOT OK. However, I can cautiously, confidently say that I am the most “OK” with my X issues than I think I have ever been. The night of C’s surprise party (as incredibly difficult as it was) was a turning point for me, as was the conversation I had with my Mom afterwards about how me being upset about X having a girlfriend is really just an excuse to be upset about me being single. I finally got it. And for the first time in I don’t know how long, I actually don’t miss X. I don’t feel like calling him. I don’t want to email him. I don’t care about trying to get together to ‘catch-up’. For the first time, I don’t crave a ‘friendship’ with him. I think I have finally ‘got’ what a jerk he actually is. AND – I’ve witnessed it.

Hanging out at B&C’s this past Saturday night, X showed up with his new GF. I can honestly say that I don’t even know what her voice sounds like – she didn’t speak a world all night, and is painfully shy. The worst part about it was that X didn’t even try and include her or make her feel comfortable – he acted as though she wasn’t even there! I found myself questioning whether or not he even LIKES this girl. And I have to say, that I felt really bad for her – she was clearly uncomfortable, and I’d generally be the one to try and include someone like that in conversation but I knew that it couldn’t be me who took that step. From the night of C’s surprise party, I predicted that she was the type of girl that was going to let X walk all over her – and it was clear from his actions Saturday night that I am definitely right.

My very limited conversation with X on Saturday night (which he initiated) was definitely somewhat awkward. I want to act like everything is a-ok and normal, and at the same time, I think I still have a lot of anger towards him for treating me like crap so I DON’T want him to think that things are a-ok. I don’t doubt that the way X and his gf interact with each other has made it a bit easier for me to swallow this pill too, in conjunction with the fact that I finally see what an a** he is and just feel sorry for the girl that ends up with him. I don’t feel threatened by her or think that this relationship is going anywhere, which I can’t lie – makes it easier to take. But if that is the first baby step I have to take on the road to being “OK” when he DOES meet the right one, than it’s definitely a step in the right direction. My best friend C identified the light-bulb moment for me the other night when she said “You don’t have a relationship with X. You have a habit.” She couldn’t be more right. My “friendship” with him has been a habit; an addiction that I have had to WORK at breaking.  And although I’m not sure I’m 100% there yet, I’m definitely getting closer, which makes me hope that I’m closer to letting someone else in.