Take Two

This post is called “take two” for a couple of reasons…

One – my date with JD on Saturday night was nice, although it felt rather repetitive of our first date. We covered many of the same topics, and I struggled to start new conversation, or get him to go any deeper on some more personal and/or fun (but not invasive) topics. It just felt like a conversation you’d have with a friend or colleague. At one point, I was actually quite bored and found myself zoning out. If I didn’t interrupt him, he tended to just go on, and on. (Those of you who know me will see the irony in this, as I have been known to chat a lot from time to time 🙂

I was proud of myself in that I felt quite relaxed, and ready to go-with-the-flow going into the date – I even felt a bit nervous, which I took as a good sign (ie. I cared about how it turned out). Unfortunately, the attraction is just not there for me. There wasn’t really any clapboard1laughter or flirting and at no time was there really a good ‘first kiss’ moment. Had he gone in for it, I would have – but I’m not one to make the first move (especially when I’m not sure I want to!) and he didn’t…so there you have it. He mentioned giving me a call again, and I would give it one last ditch effort – but, as L. said, I shouldn’t try to force it and it’s pretty clear my mind is made up. I was truly disappointed with this one though. I really wanted it to work out and was ready (and looking forward) to maybe having someone in my life. JD IS a really great guy and we do have lots in common; and even though he’s not the next one for me, I feel like I’m getting a bit closer to finding the one who is…as my Mom always says, you have to look at dating as a ‘fact-finding’ mission.

Two -the end of my dating adventures with JD brings me back to ‘take two’ of my dating diet. And I’m ready for it. I’m not going to lie though, I am dreading going into the holidays alone. It has historically been a really tough time for me emotionally, and with all of my friends being engaged or married this year,  I’m fearful that this season may be no different.

But, for whatever reason – maybe I’m just meant to be alone right now. I’ve been workng on a bit of ‘self-help’ stuff over the last two years, and just don’t feel like I’m quite done with it yet. I think the fact that I’ve been single this long is a testament to the fact that I still have some personal issues I need to work out…and until I do that, I’m not sure I’ll be ready to be in a relationship with anyone. I’m having a hard time believing (as are my friends, I think!) that I’ve been on this many dates and have not felt chemistry or attraction with any of them. Not unusual for me, given that I can count on one hand the number of real crushes I’ve had in my entire life (one of that handful being my ex) – but, sometimes I can’t help but wonder why I haven’t been able to let anyone else in, in over four years.

So giving up dating, and focusing on me, is the diet I’m on. Hopefully this is a New Year’s resolution that I can stick to.


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