01
Feb
09

Buyer’s Remorse

It’s only been a few days and already, I’m experiencing buyer’s remorse from my eHarmony membership.

You know when you get drunk and end up with a really, really bad hangover? When you have your head in the toilet and you’re repeating to yourself “I’m never drinking alcohol again”, and thinking that you’d give absolutely anything to make your nausea and pounding headache go away? I’m one of those people who actually remembers that feeling. That’s why I rarely get drunk – I know that I’m going to regret it the next day and be wishing I’d never done it.

Well – the same goes for online dating. After giving it a shot for 6 months, I told myself that I wasn’t going through that again. Sorting through all the ‘matches’ (although few of them seem like matches at all), the emailing back and forth with the same questions over and over, the awkward first date with the small talk conversation, and then the awkward ‘do we, or do we not want to see each other again’ half-conversation. And so far, it hasn’t been worth it, and I can’t even say I’ve really learned anything from the experience(s). Last time, I promised myself that I was done with online dating. I know that many people have found it to be fun, and successful – but my instincts just tell me that this is not the way I’m meant to meet someone. Not because I’m ‘above’ online dating, or that I don’t think it works – but I just don’t feel like it’s the right avenue for me.

But – here I am, going through it again. And so far, the matches I’ve been sent (more than a dozen) are not promising and I remember why I promised myself I wasn’t going to do it again. I find myself saying “Well, he doesn’t sound terrible….so I guess so.” Or “I guess he sounds…alright.” Granted it’s only been a few days, but I went through this for six months before and I just feel like I’m settling for meeting guys who are just…’OK’. Not that there seems to be anything… wrong with any of them….but I feel like they’re just not matches for me…Maybe this makes me sound snobby or arrogant (as perhaps “Anona” would agree) but I don’t care…my blog = my thoughts, and that’s just how I feel. My best friend C. reminded me tonight that I should just look at this as something fun, and stop taking it so seriously. Heck, I don’t even have to keep checking my matches if I don’t want to – C. has committed to keeping me tuned to anyone who is not to be missed. So, since I’m paid up for the next three months, I’ll take her up on it and just try to forget about it.

In other news, an emotional blow today in finding out that my ‘last crush’ (as he’s come to be known in this blog) is now engaged. This shook me up, as I was not at all expecting it, having no idea that he was even seeing anyone. We hadn’t had any communication in months, and although we’re connected in several different ways (via work colleagues and our parents) I had no idea he was no longer single. As shocked as I am, I can’t say I’m surprised as I knew someone like him wouldn’t stay single for long – I was surprised he was even single when I met him. In the short time we were seeing each other, I could see what a kind, genuine and sincere guy he was. Ambitious, family-oriented, fun and just enjoyable to be around. I’ve never gone into the details of this crush in my blog because…well..I never felt for anyone the way I felt for him… and I guess I just wanted to keep it for myself. Truth be told, I was convinced that us not being together was purely a timing thing, and that down the road – it was a possibility. I had never fallen so instantly for someone and had it be mutual – the chemistry AND everything else I always new I wanted in someone. Even in my last relationship, I can’t say I was always 100% secure in how X felt about me….but with this one, it was just easy…and natural…and I never doubted he felt it too. Long story short: the timing wasn’t right and the distance between us (geographically) wasn’t allowing it to work. But needless to say, I had fallen hard – and quick. Very unlike me, which is why I think I thought it might have been something more…

In all fairness, C. reminded me that I never really had the chance to get to know all of him – and that by knowing all these wonderful things about him in a short period of time, I never had the opportunity to learn the ‘not-good’ things; the things that obviously meant he wasn’t the one for me. So, I put him up on a pedestal and haven’t looked down since. Now I’m forced to get closure on it…to give it up. And it sucks. A lot. And I’m crushed. And I’ve had a good long cry, and probably will again. And that’s just how it is. Thank goodness I have a vacay this week to take my mind off things….

P.S. To my best friend C. – thanks for saying all the right things. Love you!

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