I’m just not that into you

Yes, I’ve been MIA. To be honest, just haven’t felt like writing lately. I wish I could say it’s because I fell madly in love with S. and have been spending every waking minute with him….

Yeah. That didn’t happen.

Sure, things looked promising after our first date. Although looking back, I think I was more wrapped up in the fact that I went on a blind date with someone who could actually carry a conversation and had something in common with me – my expectations for blind dates have been so low that anything above having to carry a conversation all by myself, started to seem like long-term potential. S. is a very nice guy – and he’s wonderful….for someone else.

I’m starting to understand why men sometimes say that women can be hypocrites. We say we want one thing, and then when we get it, we don’t want it anymore. This is what happened with S. After our first date, S. was clearly very interested in me…he texted me a lot. He emailed a lot. He kept dropping the ‘we’ and talking about things we could do in the summer, down the road etc. What girl doesn’t want a guy who is attentive? Who calls when he says he’s going to? Who thinks about me? Although I found it a little bit much so early, I could see that he was interested and of course, was flattered.

On our second date though – it definitely got to be too much. He was almost a completely different person. Very excited to see me, agreed with everything I said, was proposing things for the future, wanted to hug/touch me a lot, etc, etc. All of this was 100% harmless – I’m making him sound like an obsessed stalker, which he definitely wasn’t. As my friend A. told me, “You don’t want a guy who’s been around the block too much. This is just his ‘lack of game.'” Well – maybe true, but I immediately started pulling away because it was starting to make me very uncomfortable and I was feeling incredible pressure. I was nowhere near that interested in him, and even though he came on strong, I’m not sure that after our second date things would have been any different even if he hadn’t. Our conversation was still a lot of surface talk and felt strained at times. He obviously didn’t think so, and went as far as to propose a day trip for our third date – that was kind of the nail in the coffin for me, and I told him flat out that I thought it was a bit soon for that. I did agree to a third dinner date, where he seemed to back off a bit (I think the was starting to get the hint), but it was too late at this point and I didn’t feel an attraction (or even desire to spend more time with him) whatsoever.

I am  looking for a guy who has his own opinions and own mind, and will take charge once and awhile. This is DEFINITELY not S. Everytime I tried to get him to make a decision about what we should do, where we should go, what movie we should see, where we should go for coffee etc….he always left it up to me. That might be for some people, but it’s not for me. I appreciate he wanted my input, but even when I would put it back on him, he always wanted to do whatever my preference was. As an independent, single women, I make those decisions and take control in every other aspect of my life – all on my own. I guess that’s why I’m looking for someone who will take that over once and awhile…

What sucks about all of this, is that I had told my friends, co-workers (also my friends) and family about this date – it seemed to be the most promising out of all the ones I’d been on. And when things didn’t work out? I felt awful. Because I know that they all care about me, and want me to meet someone great that will make me happy. And everytime I go on a date and it doesn’t work out, I feel like I’m disappointing people.  I hated that I was going to have to go back and tell everyone that once again, I didn’t feel anything for someone. The same ‘he’s good on paper’ line that I have fed to them over, and over, and over. I’m starting to think that they might think I’m crazy. That I’m absolutely incapable of ever feeling that for someone – that I don’t think anyone is ‘good enough’ for me. And the scariest part about that, is that I’m starting to wonder if it’s true. Am I so messed up emotionally and mentally that I subconciously can’t allow myself to go there with anyone? Have I been single for so long, and gotten so used to being on my own that I don’t know how to incorporate someone else into my life? Or don’t…want to? Has my relationship/friendship with X, and my disappointment with my last crush made me completely incapable of trusting that someone might not hurt me? I just feel like I’m never going to have those feelings for anyone else again and it makes me just want to give up and stop trying.

So, I just wasn’t that into him. And although it was weird being on the other side of that equation (and finally ‘getting it’ – that book/movie makes so much more sense now because I was SO the guy in this situation), it’s hard to wonder if I’ll EVER be that into ‘him’….