Single Bitter Female

I’m starting to witness one of my worst fears coming true. Being single for this long is starting to make me bitter and cynical. Nobody wants to be this way of course, and the worst part about it is that who’s going to want to date me if I’m bitter and cynical? But, as time goes on and the loneliness becomes increasingly palpable, it’s hard to keep believing in the whole thing – love, partnership, marriage even…

The more I think about romantic love as a concept, the more I start to think about how impossible and big it really seems for me. My parents have a wonderful marriage, and my friends are marrying, or are married to, some of the best guys that I know. It’s not that I doubt that these are wonderful, and loving relationships. I just have a really hard time wrapping my head around the fact that it will ever happen to me. Your family is born loving you. Your friends grow to love you, and those relationships can last a lifetime. But the thought of someone growing to love me to the extent that he would want to spend every day for the rest of his life with me, just seems kind of unbelieveable. Because I feel this way, I find myself just….wishing that I wasn’t bombarded with”it” all the time. I went to a friend’s wedding shower this weekend, and it was hard. I find that sometimes I’m completely fine, and sometimes, the uncertainty of it all hits me harder than I expect. I found myself holding back tears at some points in the afternoon, as I started thinking: “I don’t think this will ever be me.” I started having a hard time swallowing all the stupid wedding jokes, and the cheesey questions about when ‘she’ knew ‘he’ was the one, and what ‘she’ loves most about ‘him’ etc. I was internally rolling my eyes throughout the whole thing, as we passed the gifts of mixing bowls, place settings and bath towels around. It’s the one thing I hate about not being invovled in a wedding or wedding shower planning – nothing to keep me distracted from my own emotional instability!

I don’t want to be bitter and cynical – I don’t think anyone does. But it gets harder and harder the more I’m surrounded by people who are finding those special people for their lives. I’ve been single for almost FIVE YEARS. People I know have lapped me on relationships more than once over! It’s frustrating when I feel like I’m a good catch, and I know that I could grow to love someone, more than anything – love is all or nothing with me. And yet, I feel like I’ll never get to share that with anyone – and to be honest, some days….it just doesn’t feel fair. So when it doesn’t feel fair, I feel like being bitter and is the only other way for me to deal with it – like it will make me start to convince myself that I DON’T really want to be in some sappy, all-consuming relationship with someone, and then I’ll actually start to believe it. I’m not sure if this is making any sense readers, and I’m suddenly starting to feel really vulnerable having put all this out there.

At the end of the day, I’m lonely and bitter. And I want not to be either.


1 Response to “Single Bitter Female”

  1. 1 Pinkmango
    May 8, 2009 at 2:03 pm

    I just had to write a comment on here having read your last post as I know exactly how you feel! I’m 36 (but look a lot younger apparantly – I have to carry my ID everywhere!) and like you consider myself to be a ‘good catch’. I’m attractive, financially independent, intelligent, etc. and yet I’m still single. Everyone else I know seems to have found ‘the one’ so easily and yet it just hasn’t happened to me. And like you I just can’t imagine it happening. It is so hard to stay positive and hopeful when time after time things don’t work out, especially when people (who think they’re helping) throw those cliches at you like ‘Oh it will happen for you’ or ‘Mr Right’s just around the corner’. If I had a penny for every time I’ve heard that over the years! I wish I knew where this corner is that Mr Right is supposedly hiding behind! I guess the only small consolation – for me anyway – is to know that I’m not the only person out there feeling this way. At least you’re only in your 20’s, there’s hope for you yet! Wait till you get to my age! :o)

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