05
Jul
09

Working Girl

workinggirlI have been significantly MIA lately. Mostly because I’ve been making a conscious effort NOT to think about dating. It kills me when people always tell single folks: “As soon as you stop thinking about it, BAM!” – because I don’t know about the rest of you, but when I’m trying not to think about it, I’m thinking about it. And when I’m surrounded by people who aren’t single, I’m thinking about it. So really…I’m ALWAYS thinking about it. Nonetheless, I’ve gone back on the dating diet. More-so because I’m just starting to lose hope a little, and I’m not really sure what else to do…it takes a lot of effort to stay positive about the dating scene when the single men that you DO meet make you go: “Really? Is this what I have to choose from?”

It brings me to the point of this blog. How much work should dating really be? How much effort should one really have to put into finding someone? I’ve done the online dating thing (more than once). I’ve done speed dating. I’ve spread the word to friends about my willingness to be set-up (to the point where I even feel like I’m being annoying and obnoxious), and have been on numerous blind dates. I try to put myself in situations where I can meet new people. I’ve done the bar scene. How many more avenues do I need to exhaust? Everyone says there are good single guys out there  – and I believe there are but – how hard should one have to work to find them??? Are us singe girls at a point where we have to make our dating life a full-time job, if we really want to be committed to finding someone? I know an ex-colleague who admitted to quitting her job (where I worked) and moving to the “big city” – because she wanted to meet someone. And you know what? That was two years ago, and she is still single. I mean…is this something I actually need to e thinking about??  Moving just to meet someone? And I wouldn’t say I live in a ‘small town’ either. I have simply gotten to the point where I’m starting to wonder if there’s anything more I can really do. I feel like I’ve exhausted a lot of avenues, and it’s just not happening for me – for whatever reason. I’m starting to wish that an answer would just shoot down from the sky – am I supposed to be somewhere at a certain time to meet the man of my dreams? Did I say ‘no’ to an event and miss the opportunity all together? Was there someone else I was supposed to befriend, who would have introduced us? Am I not at the job I’m supposed to be at for meeting the right person? Am I not living in the right city where I’m eventually supposed to meet my dream guy? I am thoroughly starting to understand why people participate in shows like The Bachelor and The Bachelorette – great, successful, hand-picked guys, just for you, from all over the country. But – is this where we’re at? Single girls needed to compete on reality shows just to find a guy? Man….

And  the longer I’m single, the more lonely I get. And the more lonely I get, the more I get into the living on my own/no-one else to think about/single girl routine – and that scares the crap out of me. Because the more I get comfortable with having my own life, doing my own thing, having my own routine – the more I’m scared that I won’t be able to adjust to having someone else in it – and I’ll be self-consciously afraid of letting anyone new into my life and comfort zone. I’m already scared that I’ve been so incredibly hurt and rejected by a particular handful of guys in my life that I’ll never let myself feel that for anyone again – and what if that’s why I’m still single? That sub-consciously, my heart just can’t survive the hurt again and therefore is not letting me “go there” with anyone new. How do you get past something like that, especially when that risk always exists in any potential relationship? So really – will I ever be able to let myself ‘go there’ again? Will it ever matter how hard I work at finding someone, because the result will still be the same? I don’t know…..I feel like all that leaves me with is the need to give up and stop trying – so let the dating diet continue.

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13 Responses to “Working Girl”


  1. 1 colleenincairns
    July 5, 2009 at 10:58 pm

    Oh I know EXACTLY where you’re coming from !!! A friends said to me the other night ” So, is there anyone on the scene ?”
    “Scene ?” i thought….”What scene…where is this ‘scene’…is there somewhere I should be ?”.
    “No” I replied. “I’m happy just being me at the moment. I’m not looking. Not interested. I’m fine.” ….Yeah right !
    And it’s not just the lack of decent, clean (literally), straight, un-married guys around …its the thought of the effort and energy that it seems to take nuturing their child-like egos into something you could just quite tolerate living with. I figure I already have two children and don’t need a third !
    So I’ll join you on the dating diet…if only the cravings would go away !

  2. July 6, 2009 at 6:18 pm

    Ha ha! Thanks for the comment Colleen – it made me laugh. So true! Where is this ‘scene’ everyone is talking about? And as much as I keep believing there are good (straight) single guys out there…I’m not sure I’ve seen much proof of late. Good luck on your diet!

  3. July 6, 2009 at 9:56 pm

    Hi there
    I really enjoyed your post on ‘Working Girl’!
    I’d like to add you to my Blogroll – can I ask you to return the favour?

    Many thanks,

    Belle

  4. 5 Mel
    July 6, 2009 at 10:40 pm

    Thanks for writing that – you voiced my own thoughts perfectly. Good luck.

  5. July 7, 2009 at 12:14 pm

    Thanks Mel. There’s comfort in numbers and shared experiences, I find!

  6. July 7, 2009 at 12:16 pm

    Thanks Belle! And absolutely!

  7. 8 Katie
    July 8, 2009 at 9:02 pm

    Wow. So you basically summed up all of my feelings on being single in a much shorter winded version that I could have ever done!!! It really is horrible, because I have gotten to the point where I am starting to say to my friends that I don’t think I will be getting married, having kids, etc. And they are always shocked and keep on saying you’ll meet someone when it’s your time, blah blah blah. But I have also given up on looking (we should swap online dating stories, I got some good ones) and according to people I should stumble upon someone any day…Well I have been stumbling around for 8 months. Seem to only find myself face down on the ground, as lonely as ever. But I am not going to lie, a small part of me keeps hoping. Unfortunately I have turned to books to find what I am lacking and am scared that they will mislead me, too, and just become one of the other hang-ups that I have that (according to several friends) prevent me from letting a guy in.
    So, perhaps sadly but it does work for me, I moreso have a lovelife either in the books I read or in my imagination. Maybe my standards are too high, have been reading too many books, but I am waiting until I meet the one. But am scared the one is gone. Either I missed him, or it just wasn’t meant to be. Which is very sad. I need a glass of wine. best of luck to you and I hope you find what you are looking for.

    Katie

  8. July 9, 2009 at 7:38 pm

    Ah Katie….I feel ya big time. My friends/family keep saying I’ll meet someone too but I just want to scream: “HOW DO YOU KNOW??” Being lonely is painful, and it’s hard to stay positive when you feel completely hopeless. Sometimes I wonder if the right one passed me by already too. Don’t let people tell you your standards are too high though – I think we all have our issues as to why we don’t let people in, and it will happen if it’s going to happen. Good luck!

  9. 10 Katie
    July 10, 2009 at 8:49 pm

    And I am back. I had this long drawn out conversation with my mother today about being single, why I haven’t met someone, etc. She didn’t really have any answers (which was very refreshing) other than that it will happen when it supposed to but only if you believe in it. Not dating, hell not even putting myself in many situations where I have a chance to genuinely flirt, takes a toll on the psyche. I spent most of the spring doing the whole pity-party because i believed my looks were the thing driving guys away.

    I don’t know what to think. My parents live in an area where there are a lot of spiritualists who all say that there is a man in my future, not too far off, but they’ve been saying that for the past few years.

    Blech. Well if you find the key to successful dating, drop me a line. Then patent/copyright it and make bucko bucks 😉

    Take Care,
    Katie

  10. July 13, 2009 at 9:44 pm

    Hard to know what to think, isn’t it? Some people are of the mind that it’s all fate – sit back and let it happen. Others say you need to be proactive and make it happen for yourself. I’ve tried both unsuccessfully. Not sure which is right. You bet that when I discover the key, I’ll let you (and all my readers!) know!


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