So I promised to update on my weekend and the anxiety that accompanied last week…
The bottom line of all of it is that I found out that X has a new GF. How did I find out? Yep – completely fell of the wagon (after hearing that he had been in a car accident) and emailed to see how he was doing and what was new. He told me he had “kind of, just started seeing someone.” Now – to my complete and pleasant surprise, this actually didn’t bother me as much as I had anticipated it would. Maybe because it was new, and didn’t sound all that serious. Maybe because I feel like I’ve finally gotten to a point where I can recognize that my issues with X aren’t so much with him, the person, but with what he represented in my life. But, the second I found out that X was bringing her to C’s surprise birthday party (that I was co-hosting with B), I completely freaked out. It’s one thing to be OK with an X moving on, but it’s another thing to have to deal with seeing them together, being around them, sharing mutual friends. It’s something I didn’t have to worry about with X and his x-girlfriend, because she lived out of town and we never had to really hang out together. Plus, B&C didn’t really like her so there was never really any instances where we all had to hang out. But for some reason, this one hit me particularly hard. I think part of it was because it made me realize that his relationship with her is probably more serious than I initially thought, and that it’s unlikely he’s dating widely inappropriate people anymore – I mean – this could be the girl he ends up with! Why do I care about that? I don’t know.
As ridiculous as it sounds, part of me just thinks that it’s completely unfair that X has had two relationships since our break-up, and I am in the same spot that I was when we broke up five years ago. I know it’s not a competition, and it’s not that I see it like that – but at the same time, I just don’t understand why he has been lucky enough to meet people that he can have a relationship with, and I am still lonely, alone and waiting. I just didn’t want to have that reminder shoved in my face on Saturday night, while I already had to deal with the fact that I was the only single person at the party.
Unfortunately for me, I’ve always been the kind of person whose emotions completely overrun her body. All week, I was nauseous and sleep-deprived, just dreading having to deal with Saturday. And when the day finally came, I had a full blown panic attack at the party, just before X and his gf arrived (only the second time in my life that has ever happened). I was ready to just walk out the door, and honestly didn’t think I was going to be able to get it together. The entire night, I didn’t eat one morsel of food, and I didn’t drink anything but water – I felt physically ill the entire night. I don’t know why I couldn’t get a grip. I don’t know why X having a GF bothers me so much. I don’t know why I can’t let him go. I don’t know why I can’t listen to the advice of those around me and just cut him off once and for all. I don’t know why I still insist on hanging on to something that brings me nothing but misery and sadness. I don’t know why I can’t see X for the jerk that he is (and he is). I don’t know why I feel this inexplicable, incessant need to carry on a relationship with someone who doesn’t respect me, and doesn’t really seem to care about me either.
The one good thing that came out of the party was this: my brother (who attended as well), got into the car on our way home and said to me (having had a few drinks): “Man – X is really an a**.” If you knew my brother, you’d know that he is someone who never has a bad word to say about anyone. He likes everyone, and everyone likes him. Even when people are at less than their best, he can always see the positive and had always been the one trying to help me see things from X’s point of view. But to hear him say that he thinks X is a jerk (actually – his choice of words were a little more explicit!) made me feel completely justified in finally starting to see X for the jerk he is. I had always defended X as being a nice, caring guy who has had some asshole moments. But really, he’s a jerk more often than he is a nice guy. And his actions towards me over the last year or two have been less than kind – in fact – they’ve been downright rude and cruel. Who wants someone like that in their life, no matter how much they may have meant to you at one point? Seeing X move on is certainly not easy, and I’m going to have to keep my distance from him (even if it means keeping some distance from B&C too). But it just means I’m going to reassess the relationships in my life and decide which ones are the most important – which ones are good for me and which ones aren’t.
And while I’m on that note, there was another good thing that came out of the party. I realized that I have the absolute, bestest best friend in the entire world. Honestly, C. (not to be confused with C. of B&C) was the only reason I got through the night. Not only was she never further then steps from my side all night, but she did everything she could to make sure that I was OK, and not in the eye-line of X and his GF. When I freaked out and panicked, she just stayed with me and asked what I needed her to do. And even when there was nothing she could do but just be there, she was. I don’t know what I’d do without her. Having people like her in my life make me realize the kinds of friends that I want to surround myself with. And they don’t include X.
I suspect this won’t be the last you hear on this story…