I might be OK

I write this title hesitantly, because everytime I think I’m “OK” when it comes to any issues relating to X, I inevitably jinx myself, something dramatic happens and I find that I am indeed, NOT OK. However, I can cautiously, confidently say that I am the most “OK” with my X issues than I think I have ever been. The night of C’s surprise party (as incredibly difficult as it was) was a turning point for me, as was the conversation I had with my Mom afterwards about how me being upset about X having a girlfriend is really just an excuse to be upset about me being single. I finally got it. And for the first time in I don’t know how long, I actually don’t miss X. I don’t feel like calling him. I don’t want to email him. I don’t care about trying to get together to ‘catch-up’. For the first time, I don’t crave a ‘friendship’ with him. I think I have finally ‘got’ what a jerk he actually is. AND – I’ve witnessed it.

Hanging out at B&C’s this past Saturday night, X showed up with his new GF. I can honestly say that I don’t even know what her voice sounds like – she didn’t speak a world all night, and is painfully shy. The worst part about it was that X didn’t even try and include her or make her feel comfortable – he acted as though she wasn’t even there! I found myself questioning whether or not he even LIKES this girl. And I have to say, that I felt really bad for her – she was clearly uncomfortable, and I’d generally be the one to try and include someone like that in conversation but I knew that it couldn’t be me who took that step. From the night of C’s surprise party, I predicted that she was the type of girl that was going to let X walk all over her – and it was clear from his actions Saturday night that I am definitely right.

My very limited conversation with X on Saturday night (which he initiated) was definitely somewhat awkward. I want to act like everything is a-ok and normal, and at the same time, I think I still have a lot of anger towards him for treating me like crap so I DON’T want him to think that things are a-ok. I don’t doubt that the way X and his gf interact with each other has made it a bit easier for me to swallow this pill too, in conjunction with the fact that I finally see what an a** he is and just feel sorry for the girl that ends up with him. I don’t feel threatened by her or think that this relationship is going anywhere, which I can’t lie – makes it easier to take. But if that is the first baby step I have to take on the road to being “OK” when he DOES meet the right one, than it’s definitely a step in the right direction. My best friend C identified the light-bulb moment for me the other night when she said “You don’t have a relationship with X. You have a habit.” She couldn’t be more right. My “friendship” with him has been a habit; an addiction that I have had to WORK at breaking.  And although I’m not sure I’m 100% there yet, I’m definitely getting closer, which makes me hope that I’m closer to letting someone else in.


3 Responses to “I might be OK”

  1. October 26, 2009 at 12:32 am

    I can relate to this post..You friend hit it right on the nose..It is a habit..an addiction that you think you cant live without but once you break that addiction you will feel 100 times better..Now that you are “outside” looking in you can see the terrible dealer that is encased in the body of your x..I had to go through this recently, witness the x and his girlfriend. They seemed like they were the perfect couple, laughing and kissing..But little does she know that he is still trying to contact me..Reminiscing on past bedroom escapades..Her new man is still the same douche that was my past..

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