Sigh. The most dreaded holiday for all singleton’s is upon us. New Year’s.
I’ve never been a big fan of New Year’s even when I wasn’t single. It’s ALWAYS way too much hype and expectation; so much time thinking about what plans should be, where to go, what to do. I bring it on myself I guess, since I go through the same struggle year after year: do I do the annual house party at B&C’s with my bestest friends, yet all the same couples that we see year after year? Or, try something different and more my age with my VERY limited selection of single friends (2 to be exact).
I was feeling a little bit of guilt this year because I have skipped B&C’s party the last two years – not to mention the fact that there’s part of me that, of course, wants to spend NYE with my group of best friends. But, for whatever reason – my anxiety level goes sky high when I go to that party. This year will probably be 10 times better because X won’t be there, but at the same time, being there with 8-10 other couples is not a great way for an emotionally-messed up single person to start off the New Year. Already, my anxiety has been building about it all week….
I briefly explained to B&C (with few details) about why I find NYE at their place so hard – it’s not only because of the number of couples there, but also because every NYE, I wonder what events will transpire over the next year. And every year for as long as I can remember, there’s always that glimmer of hope that next NYE – I won’t be at the party alone. And that glimmer of hope has NEVER materialized. So every time I go there and relive the same party, with the same people, year after year – I don’t feel like much like celebrating because it feels like nothing has, or ever will change. And then I just become a downer and don’t have a good time. At least when I do something new and/or different (especially with some young, single people), I can forget about it for awhile and it doesn’t feel so much like New Year’s….it’s more of a fresh start. Maybe this is more my rambling than making sense, but it’s the only way I can explain it.
Another contributing factor to my anxiety right now, is that I’m feeling really anxious about the New Year – I think it will be one of the most challenging years for me. I have taken on an additional job teaching, which terrifies me to my very core. I question my decision to do it every day not only because it’s new, but because of the workload. I will have a new boss starting in March – someone whose working style I don’t respect and someone who I’m not a huge fan of personally. I’m going in with an open mind, but it will be a challenge. And, my roommate of three years is graduating and leaving me this year. Despite the minor annoyances, she’s been a great roommate and I’m struggling with whether or not to go it on my own financially, or risk having another roommate who ends up being a nightmare. Additionally, another couple in our friend group is having a baby. I worry about what this event will do in terms of changing my friendships with the people who are closest to me. The dynamics in our group will change dramatically, now that half the couples have children and I fear that I’ll only start to feel older than I already do.
Lastly, my little brother is getting married. It’s probably one of the most emotional challenges I’ll face this year. Not only because it’s difficult to be the older, single sister, but because it denotes a significant life change for both of us; where there’s now a fork in the road and he’s starting down a completely different path than me. A grown-up one 🙂 Adjusting to the way our relationship will change and getting used to the idea of him having a ‘separate’ life apart from our family, is a tough thought to grasp. Luckily, I am gaining a remarkable sister-in-law who has become an awesome addition to our family – I couldn’t have asked for someone more perfect for my brother and I am convinced there’s not another soul in this world who could make him any happier. Nonetheless, getting my head around this idea will be a tough, emotional challenge this year…..
Wow – writing that all out has upped my anxiety level about New Year’s 10 fold! LOL.
On a happier note (since this seems to have become kind of a ‘downer’ post), I went back and re-read my resolutions from last year. Surprisingly, I’m happy to report that I did very well with almost all of them. Some are goals that I have to keep working at – but the most critical ones (healing my issues with X, increasing my gym time, and making more of my own decisions) – I would argue I’ve been pretty successful at.
Not quite sure yet what my resolutions are for this year. But I can tell you that after writing out all the challenges I’m getting ready to face, getting through this year emotionally unscathed is probably at the top of my list!