Archive for the 'Advice' Category

20
Jan
10

Insanity

The other day my brother and I were having a random conversation about some stuff and he came out with these wise words of wisdom: “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

Of course these weren’t my brother’s words of wisdom, they were Albert Einstein’s. But I thought to myself – how true. For me, this quote applies specifically to my addiction (dare I say, recovering addiction?) with X, and I’m sure that many of you out there can relate this to past relationships you’ve had as well; hoping and hoping that things will change, determined that he IS this great guy underneath, and that eventually he’ll see the light and realize how lucky he is to have you (whether it’s as a girlfriend, or in my case, as a friend). But no matter what we do, he won’t change. And I’ve finally learned that. I’ve stopped expecting X to behave any differently than he has in the past – why would he? I would keep doing the same things expecting him to react differently – but his reactions and responses never changed. Insanity I tell ya!

And now, I don’t really care about his reactions and responses because per Albert Einstein’s advice, I finally changed what I was doing when it comes to X. What have I been doing? Absolutely NOTHING. No phone calls. No emails. No texts. No visits. And this sanity feels pretty darn good…

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06
Jan
10

A New Year….

Another New Year.

I have to admit that I’m one of those people who buys into the hype of New Year’s resolutions, and starting fresh. While I hate the overrated activities of New Year’s Eve (it really IS just another day), there is something about January 1st that is generally encouraging and hopeful. Some people say, “But you can start fresh any day – it’s all in the attitude” – and I agree. But you have to admit that there is something about a new year that just makes it easier to start…well…new.

I am also a believer in New Year’s resolutions. Yes, many don’t keep, but some do and have helped me a lot. Lots of my fellow bloggers have been listing some of their New Year’s resolutions so I figured I’d do the same. The trick is to tell someone what they are (this makes you a bit more accountable), and make them small things that are achievable in steps. So, mine are (in no particular order):

– Up my once a week spinning class to two per week. Within this resolution, attempt a non-beginners class.
– Find new recipes for the crockpot and use it more. Within this resolution, find healthy recipes.
– Get my finances in order. This means paying back my folks, and putting more in savings each month.
– Stop worrying so much about what other people will think if I do, or don’t do, X or Y. (Baby steps on this; one person and one decision at a time…)
– Recover, heal, close-off, find peace, recuperate, detox…whatever it is, to put my relationship with X behind me for good. Within this resolution, celebrate the baby steps I achieve in this process. (Opting out of B&C’s New Years house party, for the second year in a row, was a good start here…)
Lastly, when struggling with being single and being lonely, remember and BELIEVE these words from my cousin, E: “The things you wish for will come your way – that is a guarantee. But, they won’t come until they’re meant to come.  You wouldn’t want it any other way because life has a way of unfolding in the way it is supposed to and if you try to force it to do something other than that, things turn messy.”

It’s hard to imagine what’s going to transpire for me over this next year. My Olympic experience will no doubt be life-changing. And at the same time, I’m trying to approach this year with no expectations – I’m not hoping for anything special, or convincing myself that this is the year that this, or that, is going to happen. I’m going to just focus on me, and what I’m doing in the moment – what will be, will be. (Although easier said than done, me thinks!)

So – best of luck with your New Year’s resolutions! I’ll try and keep you posted on mine as the year goes on….which reminds me, I should also add “Blog more regularly” to my list of resos!

11
Aug
09

Spin baby, spin!

In the name of posting more often, and about things not always related to singleness, let me  say this…

spin_classI’ve becoming addicted to spin class.

Let me start by saying that never in a billion years did I think that I would ever be someone who enjoys going to the gym. I was never athletic as a child; never played sports or got involved in teams. Got teased in gym class and was a total music geek at school. To this day, I’m sure this has significantly contributed to my low self-esteem, which in turn – has contributed to my feelings about being single and what it means. After I started to believe that I wasn’t athletic, I never wanted to try anything even remotely physical for fear of embarrassment. Needless to say, going to the gym was never a top priority on my list – I was convinced that everyone would just look at me like I didn’t belong there.

About 2 and a half years ago, my Mom decided to join the gym Curves. I had just left home, and she convinced me that a) not only should I be doing something physical to stay healthy and in shape, but b) it would be a good opportunity for us to meet up a few times a week. I started going about three times a week, and really enjoyed it. I felt better that I was doing something to stay healthy, and it was the most non-intimidating gym experience ever – all women, and most were about 40+. But, after about 2 years, I felt like I wasn’t getting much out of it, and the circuit was starting to get boring. I was TERRIFIED to join a regular gym, with crazy, in-shape people. But when I weighed the options (ex. the membership was significantly less with the corporate discount they offered, and it’s literally just down the street) I decided to just bit the bullet and do it.

Now – I love it.

Don’t get me wrong – I was NOT in good shape, and am still not really in good shape (I’ve been a member for about 6 weeks). But I feel SO GOOD when I come out! I love to sweat, and I can do whatever I want – classes, machines, weights  – my friend A. has been a big help in showing me some exercises that I can do to target certain areas. It’s key to do this or get a personal trainer if you want to get the most out of a membership.

I was completely convinced I would never try spinning/cycle – I’ve seen it on TV and movies, and it scared the crap out of me. People racing on stationary bikes, instructors yelling and screaming – not for me. However, my Mom and I bit the bullet and tried a beginner spin class one night – and I’ve been hooked every since. Turns out, it’s not that I’m not athletic at all! Sports was just never my thing. I’ve discovered that I love being pushed, I love sweating my face off – and the instructor is awesome and NOT scary. She makes the class fun, engaging and given that she’s not your typical ‘gym bunny’ instructor, it’s much less intimidating. And no, I can’t do everything that everyone else in the class does. Sometimes, I can’t do the full resistance and I can’t do all the reps – I have to take breaks or slow down now and then. But – I can always do more than I think I can, and that’s been a really pleasant surprise…

All this to say that going to the gym regularly has really helped me in the whole ‘concentrating on myself’ thing. I feel great when I get out of class, and find that it’s helping to very slowly, slowly increase my confidence and the way I feel about myself. It’s also given me something else to focus on, and a good way to spend my alone time instead of lamenting about my lonely, single life. Here’s hoping that I can continue to focus on me for awhile – as much as I love spin now, it’s really only been 6 weeks – totally possible this is just a honeymoon phase, but I’ll keep you posted.

I guess the moral of this post is step outside your comfort zone. Do something that you might not think you like. Focus on yourself for awhile. You might be surprised at the results…

14
Jul
09

Before You Get Married

A “Facebook friend” (because let’s face it…we’re not “friends” with everyone on our Facebook list) posted the link to this article, and I thought it was so good that it warranted it’s own post. I’m about halfway through the list – how about you? Enjoy!

20 Things Every Woman Should Do Before She Gets Married

10
Jul
09

Is he, or isn’t he?

I have to tell you. From the moment I heard Greg Behrendt speak on Oprah about his book “He’s Just Not That Into You” – I was a total believer. I had been in many of the situations that he spoke about, and I was just like the girls in the book: analyzing every word of every conversation some guy ever spoke to me, and trying to figure out what it all meant. For all the time I spent trying to convince myself that these guys really were “that into me”, I’m surprised that I had never grasped the concept before – that if he really cared, he would make it clear. Needless to say, I bought the book and have been a true believer in this concept every since…until now.

oprahHaving said that, it’s one thing to believe it and an entirely different thing to live it. I think the reason why women continue to over-analyze is because we know we’re not getting the answer we want. We want to think of every single scenario, other than the fact that the guy we like, might not like us too. And I’ve been there, many times….

But – here’s my beef.

I have rarely known guys who are that early in the game (and it IS a game) – to mean what they say, and say what they mean.

I have met guys who I was 100% sure were into me. And next thing you know, I find myself questioning how I could have possibly misread the “signs” – and then I’m questioning every single guy from here on out, thinking that no guy could possibly be into me, because I was 100% sure then, so how can I be 100% sure now? How do you know whether or not a guy is being truthful? Whether or not he’s just “taking you on” as a challenge? Or, just looking for a warm body to keep from being lonely (I DO believe that guys get lonely too), or he’s playing the field with you and several others? He could be giving you all the signs and saying all the things that don’t even make you think to question whether or not he’s into you. He clearly is. But then – he drops off the face of the earth, or accuses you of making “unfair” assumptions about the state of your relationship. And is that really fair?? How are you ever really supposed to know?

This entire post stems from the recent experience of my friend JD. Long story short:

  • Friendship/on-going fling with guy a few years back
  • Runs into guy, now with LIVE-IN GIRLFRIEND, recently on business trip
  • Guy sends text message to JD, at her hotel, night of business function with suggestive implications
  • Guy contacts JD when back in the country about professional opportunity
  • JD helps Guy
  • Guy declines opportunity, but writes very suggestive email about how much he was looking forward to the opportunity to spend more time with her, and how disappointed he is that they’re not going to get to see each other on a regular basis (might sound harmless, but the tone was unquestioningly suggestive and inappropriate for a guy with a live-in girlfriend).

I told JD that she should just write back and ask: “What is that supposed to mean?” But, we all know exactly what would have happened. Although Guy was making unquestionably suggestive comments with inappropriate undertones, he would have turned it back on JD with “What did what mean?” “It didn’t “mean” anything, you’re just overanalyzing….” He knew exactly what he was doing though – he was being safe by not being explicit about what it was that he truly wanted, but knew that he had an out if she questioned him.

UGH!! I was so angry when she told me that story! I hate it that guys know exactly what they’re doing when they write a message like that – they know exactly what they want, and they know exactly how we’ll take it. And yet – they leave themselves an out in case it doesn’t work out their way, and that “out” always ends up making the girl look like she’s being a demanding and clingy. So even if you were to flat-out, straight-up call him out on his motives, you’re still in the same boat trying to figure out whether or not you misread the “signs.” (Greg Behrendt argues that there are no ‘signs’). And before people start writing angry comments – yes – I know there are women who are just as manipulative, but this is a single girl blog…I’m just talking about my experiences with men (or should I say boys…).

So – the debate rages on. Is he into you, or isn’t he? And will we ever know…

10
May
09

For Mom

Well, this post has nothing to do with being single….my life has been rather boring and uneventful lately, leaving me with little inspiration for posts. But, in honour of Mother’s Day today, I had to post the poem that I found. It reminded me of my Mom, and I hope you enjoy it! I couldn’t found who wrote it…

To all you Mean Mom’s.

Someday when my children are old enough to
understand the logic that motivates a parent, I will
tell them, as my Mean Mom told me: I loved you
enough to ask where you were going, with whom,
and what time you would be home.

I loved you enough to be silent and let you
discover that your new best friend was a creep.

I loved you enough to make you go pay for the
bubble gum you had taken and tell the clerk, “I
stole this yesterday and want to pay for it.”

I loved you enough to stand over you for two hours
while you cleaned your room, a job that should have
taken 15 minutes.

I loved you enough to let you see anger,
disappointment, and tears in my eyes. Children must
learn that their parents aren’t perfect.

I loved you enough to let you assume the
responsibility for your actions even when the
penalties were so harsh they almost broke my heart.

But most of all, I loved you enough . . . to say
NO when I knew you would hate me for it.

Those were the most difficult battles of all. I’m
glad I won them, because in the end you won, too.
And someday when your children are old enough to
understand the logic that motivates parents, you
will tell them.

Was your Mom mean? I know mine was. We had the
meanest mother in the whole world! While other kids
ate candy for breakfast, we had to have cereal,
eggs, and toast. When others had a Pepsi and a
Twinkie for lunch, we had to eat sandwiches. And you
can guess our mother fixed us a dinner that was
different from what other kids had, too.

Mother insisted on knowing where we were at all
times. You’d think we were convicts in a prison. She
had to know who our friends were, and what we were
doing with them. She insisted that if we said we
would be gone for an hour, we would be gone for an
hour or less.

We were ashamed to admit it, but she had the nerve
to break the Child Labor Laws by making us work. We
had to wash the dishes, make the beds, learn to
cook, vacuum the floor, do laundry, empty the trash
and all sorts of cruel jobs. I think she would lie
awake at night thinking of more things for us to do.

She always insisted on us telling the truth, the
whole truth, and nothing but the truth. By the time
we were teenagers, she could read our minds and had
eyes in the back of her head. Then, life was really
tough!

Mother wouldn’t let our friends just honk the horn
when they drove up. They had to come up to the door
so she could meet them. While everyone else could
date when they were 12 or 13, we had to wait until
we were 16.

Because of our mother we missed out on lots of
things other kids experienced. None of us have ever
been caught shoplifting, vandalizing other’s
property or ever arrested for any crime. It was all
her fault.

Now that we have left home, we are all educated,
honest adults. We are doing our best to be mean
parents just like Mom was.

I think that is what’s wrong with the world today.
It just doesn’t have enough mean moms!

Happy Mother’s Day Mom! I love you!

27
Jan
09

The Single Girl’s Survival List

One of my best friends, L., came by tonight for a catch-up – it’s been more than a month since we’ve seen each other. I was telling her about how I went to see the movie Revolutionary Road on the weekend, and that although it was a bit on the slow side (I found), it painted a realistic picture of marriage that I found to be somewhat refreshing. Don’t get me wrong – I didn’t take pleasure in the fact that the characters in the movie had issues in their marriage, but I like how it showed that no marriage is peachy-keen all the time; that getting married and having children might also mean (for some people) sacrificing some of the dreams/plans you have for yourself. And that’s life – a choice we make.

As we were talking about the movie and some of the things it made me think about, L. told me that she wishes she could have known at what point she was going to meet her husband, J. When I asked her why, she simply said that she probably would have taken advantage of those few extra months that she knew she was going to be single. She couldn’t really pinpoint what she would have done differently, but I wondered if perhaps she missed the mystery and excitement of waiting and wondering, and perhaps would have taken advantage of  some of the opportunities that, let’s face it, only single people have.

Along with the movie, my conversation with L. made me think about the post I’ve been meaning to write about all the reasons that it’s good to be single. I’m thinking that I’ll keep an ongoing list of reasons on my blog, and everytime I come up with one, or experience another reason, I’ll add it to the list via my regular posts. When you get as down about being single as I do, it’s good to have a list like that to go back to so you can remember (and put into practice!) all the reasons that singledom doesn’t suck.

I also went out with my single friend J. this weekend – we come from completely opposite camps. She dates a lot, spent a year on her own in Australia, and really enjoys having fun in her single life. But, she’s afraid that she’s scared of commitment, and will never have a serious relationship. I WISH I could be more like J., and just let loose and have fun, but I’m too aware of looking for someone who will be relationship/commitment potential. Our conversations inevitably end with: “the grass is always greener…” But, everytime I talk to J., she reminds me of what it means to enjoy the single life. Not just when it comes to dating, but having the courage to take advantage of all of  the opportunities that are available; not just as a single girl, but as a woman with no commitments, no one to consult, and the world at her feet. Hopefully making this list will remind me to seize the day and see this silver lining in every situation that would otherwise, get me down about being single. Here we go:

1. I don’t have to consult with anyone about how I spend my money. If I want to go on a trip or buy something, I can, without feeling like there’s an obligation to let someone else spend the same amount to be ‘fair.’

2. My Christmas-buying list is half the size of those who have significant others with two families to buy for.

3. I can watch all the trashy, reality-TV I want without being made fun of, or having to change the channel. I OWN the remote.

4. I don’t get dragged to, or forced to spend money on movies I don’t really want to see.

5. My weekends are entirely my own – I don’t have to incorporate anyone else’s plans and I can say ‘yes or no’ to whatever events I want without consulting anyone.

6. I don’t have to miss any of my family events because I need to split time with ‘in-laws’; especially on the important holidays.

7. I can flirt with whomever I want, whenever I want – without guilt 🙂

8. I can travel anywhere, at anytime – the only person’s schedule and finances I have to worry about is my own.

9. I can apply to jobs or take advantage of any opportunity, anywhere in the world, without having to consider anyone else’s life plans. Hmm….I like this one. I might consider it.

10. Amendment to #7: I can make-0ut with anyone I want – without guilt.

11. I get to enjoy dating and meeting new people. Getting ‘wined and dined’ if you will (Ok – so it’s more like getting treated to a Starbucks coffee, but you get the jist).

12. There’s still some exciting mystery and anticipation about the men I will meet and who could end up being “the one” (if there is such a thing).

13. I still get to experience those first date, first kiss, first crush butterflies – that makes the rest of the dating experiences SO worth the wait.

It’s late, I have to sleep, and this is all I have right now. But stay tuned for my amendments, because I know thre are many more. Feel free to comment or incorporate your own thoughts, and I’ll be sure to add them to my list!




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