Archive for the 'Ex' Category


I have no title for this post…..kind of at a loss for words.

I knew the day was going to come eventually, but I’m not sure I knew how soon it would come or how I would feel when it did. But, it came nonetheless and now I have to face it.

X is getting married.


As in, engaged, proposed to, having a wedding.

After all of the intense and complicated feelings I’ve been working really hard to deal with over the past few years when it comes to X, I truly didn’t know how’d I’d react when this reality came to fruition (as I knew it would). He’s been dating someone for about a year and a half, and while I sincerely questioned the seriousness of their relationship initially (no one around him, nor myself, ever thought this could possibly go anywhere), I also remember the day that I thought to myself: “This is different.” I could feel it. I knew that he was more serious about her than anyone thought. Maybe it’s because I could see how he was different with her than he was with me. But even so, there was a big part of me that was in denial about it. His family doesn’t like her. His friends don’t like her. And X never struck me as the kind of person that would settle down with someone that the people close to him didn’t really warm to. Turns out, not the case.

All this being said, my relationship with X has changed drastically over the last year and a half – for the better. And I think it’s because the change in our relationship actually become the LACK of one, and that has been better for me than I could have expected years ago. I NEVER thought I’d get to the point where I didn’t want X in my life. Never in a million years. But after a lot of work on myself, and a lot of soul-searching – I DID finally get there. Quite frankly, the scale tipped almost too much the other way; I’d give anything to just have X out of the picture, non-existant. But, it will never be the reality. As long as I’m friends with B&C, and as long as Mr. C is such an important part of both of our lives – he’s going to be there, and so will she. *(Recap: B is X’s sister. Her and her hubby C are two of my closest friends. Mr. C is their 8-month old and current love of my life).

X called to tell me the news himself. As soon as he said he had news he wanted me to hear straight from him, I knew what it was. I also knew it was coming. I told a few friends about two weeks prior that I could just……feel it. That it was coming (Pisces intuition maybe). It didn’t make me any more prepared for the news though, and it didn’t make it any less difficult. I appreciate that X called to tell me himself. I think he knew it would be difficult for me as he had a hard time getting the right words out. I didn’t let on that I was emotional – probably the best acting job of my life. But his phone call somewhat re-instilled the belief I’d lost, that he DID love and care about me at one point.

As I’ve tried to clarify on this blog many times before, these feelings don’t stem from X himself. I’d never get back together with him in a million years. Instead, these mixed emotions stem from everything X ever represented for me; the only person who, to this day, has ever loved and cared about me in that way. Given how completely and utterly disenchanted and hopeless I feel about ever finding somebody, this felt like kind of a nail in the coffin. It almost feels like this is fulfilling the belief I have that finding love is going to happen to everyone around me, except me. I’m sure there’s more to it as well. The intensity of my feelings regarding this news seem too heightened to not have more going on behind the scenes…..I’m still working on figuring that out though.

On top of it all, I have a tremendous amount of guilt. If I’m being totally honest, I relish the fact that no one in X’s life approves of this relationship or thinks he’s making a good decision. And the more I hear it, the more satisfied I feel. I know it’s only human nature to feel that way about an X (I guess); who doesn’t want to be the person that everyone measures her against? But, it makes me feel like a horrible human being.

I called C in an emotional mess when I found out. All I kept thinking was “How am I going to get though this?” “When is it ever going to stop?” Thank God for best friends. I always find myself questioning what I would do without C., and in this situation, she stepped up to the plate. What more can I say except that the next year will be a tough road, and I’m not sure how I’d get through it without a friend like C (and my Mom). For now, one day at a time….

After a day or two of wallowing in self-mourning, I started to feel better. That part of me that remembers why I don’t WANT to be with X started to take over again. I found myself handling the situation much better than I thought I would (first two days excluded of course). Funnily enough, I also feel a very tiny sense of relief. That maybe this will force some closure that’s been a really long time coming. I’d like to believe it’s not because I’m in denial (not sure yet…..) but it’s been less painful to think about and I’ve been able to hear about some of the details without freaking out or getting emotional. B&C will be in the wedding party so there’s no way I’ll be able to avoid details. It is a bit like a bad train wreck though; I want to know all the details while at the same time, not knowing any at all. Not sure how that’s going to go… far, hearing the details of certain things has not been as terrible as anticipated (I reiterate… far). That being said, the emotions come and go in waves – as intense and unpredictable as the waves of a tsunami.

Time will tell what happens when I see X. A hug and congratulations will be obligatory. And provided I can keep myself together emotionally (using those acting skills again….), I think it will be OK and probably the hardest part of the whole thing.

The question remains of whether or not I will be invited to the wedding. X and I were very close friends and have a history that is much longer than the time we were a couple. At the same time, we’ve distanced ourselves enough in the last year or so that it’s possible he won’t. That same history has been what’s separated us, and maybe for the better. I’ll cross that bridge if we come to it.

So, a lengthy, emotional update from my side. Guess I had more words than I thought……



The other day my brother and I were having a random conversation about some stuff and he came out with these wise words of wisdom: “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

Of course these weren’t my brother’s words of wisdom, they were Albert Einstein’s. But I thought to myself – how true. For me, this quote applies specifically to my addiction (dare I say, recovering addiction?) with X, and I’m sure that many of you out there can relate this to past relationships you’ve had as well; hoping and hoping that things will change, determined that he IS this great guy underneath, and that eventually he’ll see the light and realize how lucky he is to have you (whether it’s as a girlfriend, or in my case, as a friend). But no matter what we do, he won’t change. And I’ve finally learned that. I’ve stopped expecting X to behave any differently than he has in the past – why would he? I would keep doing the same things expecting him to react differently – but his reactions and responses never changed. Insanity I tell ya!

And now, I don’t really care about his reactions and responses because per Albert Einstein’s advice, I finally changed what I was doing when it comes to X. What have I been doing? Absolutely NOTHING. No phone calls. No emails. No texts. No visits. And this sanity feels pretty darn good…


Spoke too soon

As per my previous post, I may have jinxed myself.

I apparently thought I was OK with the whole X/GF situation. But regardless of whether I am or  not, going to a wedding where you are single and your ex is there with a new girlfriend, SUCKS. And unfortuantely, going home alone after it is even worse. Not feeling in a fesitve, Thanksgivingy mood….


I might be OK

I write this title hesitantly, because everytime I think I’m “OK” when it comes to any issues relating to X, I inevitably jinx myself, something dramatic happens and I find that I am indeed, NOT OK. However, I can cautiously, confidently say that I am the most “OK” with my X issues than I think I have ever been. The night of C’s surprise party (as incredibly difficult as it was) was a turning point for me, as was the conversation I had with my Mom afterwards about how me being upset about X having a girlfriend is really just an excuse to be upset about me being single. I finally got it. And for the first time in I don’t know how long, I actually don’t miss X. I don’t feel like calling him. I don’t want to email him. I don’t care about trying to get together to ‘catch-up’. For the first time, I don’t crave a ‘friendship’ with him. I think I have finally ‘got’ what a jerk he actually is. AND – I’ve witnessed it.

Hanging out at B&C’s this past Saturday night, X showed up with his new GF. I can honestly say that I don’t even know what her voice sounds like – she didn’t speak a world all night, and is painfully shy. The worst part about it was that X didn’t even try and include her or make her feel comfortable – he acted as though she wasn’t even there! I found myself questioning whether or not he even LIKES this girl. And I have to say, that I felt really bad for her – she was clearly uncomfortable, and I’d generally be the one to try and include someone like that in conversation but I knew that it couldn’t be me who took that step. From the night of C’s surprise party, I predicted that she was the type of girl that was going to let X walk all over her – and it was clear from his actions Saturday night that I am definitely right.

My very limited conversation with X on Saturday night (which he initiated) was definitely somewhat awkward. I want to act like everything is a-ok and normal, and at the same time, I think I still have a lot of anger towards him for treating me like crap so I DON’T want him to think that things are a-ok. I don’t doubt that the way X and his gf interact with each other has made it a bit easier for me to swallow this pill too, in conjunction with the fact that I finally see what an a** he is and just feel sorry for the girl that ends up with him. I don’t feel threatened by her or think that this relationship is going anywhere, which I can’t lie – makes it easier to take. But if that is the first baby step I have to take on the road to being “OK” when he DOES meet the right one, than it’s definitely a step in the right direction. My best friend C identified the light-bulb moment for me the other night when she said “You don’t have a relationship with X. You have a habit.” She couldn’t be more right. My “friendship” with him has been a habit; an addiction that I have had to WORK at breaking.  And although I’m not sure I’m 100% there yet, I’m definitely getting closer, which makes me hope that I’m closer to letting someone else in.


Moving on…

DSCN0182So I promised to update on my weekend and the anxiety that accompanied last week…

The bottom line of all of it is that I found out that X has a new GF. How did I find out? Yep – completely fell of the wagon (after hearing that he had been in a car accident) and emailed to see how he was doing and what was new. He told me he had “kind of, just started seeing someone.” Now – to my complete and pleasant surprise, this actually didn’t bother me as much as I had anticipated it would. Maybe because it was new, and didn’t sound all that serious. Maybe because I feel like I’ve finally gotten to a point where I can recognize that my issues with X aren’t so much with him, the person, but with what he represented in my life. But, the second I found out that X was bringing her to C’s surprise birthday party (that I was co-hosting with B), I completely freaked out. It’s one thing to be OK with an X moving on, but it’s another thing to have to deal with seeing them together, being around them, sharing mutual friends. It’s something I didn’t have to worry about with X and his x-girlfriend, because she lived out of town and we never had to really hang out together. Plus, B&C didn’t really like her so there was never really any instances where we all had to hang out. But for some reason, this one hit me particularly hard. I think part of it was because it made me realize that his relationship with her is probably more serious than I initially thought, and that it’s unlikely he’s dating widely inappropriate people anymore – I mean – this could be the girl he ends up with! Why do I care about that? I don’t know.

As ridiculous as it sounds, part of me just thinks that it’s completely unfair that X has had two relationships since our break-up, and I am in the same spot that I was when we broke up five years ago. I know it’s not a competition, and it’s not that I see it like that – but at the same time, I just don’t understand why he has been lucky enough to meet people that he can have a relationship with, and I am still lonely, alone and waiting. I just didn’t want to have that reminder shoved in my face on Saturday night, while I already had to deal with the fact that I was the only single person at the party.

Unfortunately for me, I’ve always been the kind of person whose emotions completely overrun her body. All week, I was nauseous and sleep-deprived, just dreading having to deal with Saturday. And when the day finally came, I had a full blown panic attack at the party, just before X and his gf arrived (only the second time in my life that has ever happened). I was ready to just walk out the door, and honestly didn’t think I was going to be able to get it together. The entire night, I didn’t eat one morsel of food, and I didn’t drink anything but water – I felt physically ill the entire night. I don’t know why I couldn’t get a grip. I don’t know why X having a GF bothers me so much. I don’t know why I can’t let him go. I don’t know why I can’t listen to the advice of those around me and just cut him off once and for all. I don’t know why I still insist on hanging on to something that brings me nothing but misery and sadness. I don’t know why I can’t see X for the jerk that he is (and he is). I don’t know why I feel this inexplicable, incessant need to carry on a relationship with someone who doesn’t respect me, and doesn’t really seem to care about me either.

The one good thing that came out of the party was this: my brother (who attended as well), got into the car on our way home and said to me (having had a few drinks): “Man – X is really an a**.” If you knew my brother, you’d know that he is someone who never has a bad word to say about anyone. He likes everyone, and everyone likes him. Even when people are at less than their best, he can always see the positive and had always been the one trying to help me see things from X’s point of view. But to hear him say that he thinks X is a jerk (actually – his choice of words were a little more explicit!) made me feel completely justified in finally starting to see X for the jerk he is. I had always defended X as being a nice, caring guy who has had some asshole moments. But really, he’s a  jerk more often than he is a nice guy. And his actions towards me over the last year or two have been less than kind – in fact – they’ve been downright rude and cruel. Who wants someone like that in their life, no matter how much they may have meant to you at one point? Seeing X move on is certainly not easy, and I’m going to have to keep my distance from him (even if it means keeping some distance from B&C too). But it just means I’m going to reassess the relationships in my life and decide which ones are the most important – which ones are good for me and which ones aren’t.

And while I’m on that note, there was another good thing that came out of the party. I realized that I have the absolute, bestest best friend in the entire world. Honestly, C. (not to be confused with C. of B&C) was the only reason I got through the night. Not only was she never further then steps from my side all night, but she did everything she could to make sure that I was OK, and not in the eye-line of X and his GF. When I freaked out and panicked, she just stayed with me and asked what I needed her to do. And even when there was nothing she could do but just be there, she was. I don’t know what I’d do without her. Having people like her in my life make me realize the kinds of friends that I want to surround myself with. And they don’t include X.

I suspect this won’t be the last you hear on this story…



Sleepy KittyI have lots to write about from recent goings on/news (and yes – it’s X-related. Shocker.) But I am so exhausted right now that I don’t think I’ll stay awake to write a full post. I’ve been suffering from insomnia the past few nights with all this stuff going on in my head, and am barely able to stay focused at work or keep my eyes open. Thank goodness going to the gym has been a great outlet, although it’s contributing to my exhaustion – which is even more frustrating because I’m tired and can’t sleep!!

When you’re going through tough stuff, do you ever just wish that you could lock yourself up in your house for a few days and forget the rest of the world exists? Just until you can get your head on straight again? That’s how I’m feeling right now….tough stuff sucks. But – I  know I will get through this in one piece, and that things will get better. You can only feel down for so long, right? Trying to look at this as a simple roadblock/’fall-off-the-wagon’ moment in my X-rehab plan.

More of an update after this weekend (and some sleep…..zzzzzzzz).


Girls Night

So, the problem with trying to write a blog about my single life is that when there’s not much going on – there’s not much to write about! And while I wouldn’t really call it a ‘dry’ spell that I’m going through, I would say that I’m definitely trying to take a step back from focusing on my dating life so much, and just concentrate on myself (that sounds like such a cliche but – I think I need it). So – although I will certainly continue to write about my thoughts on being single (I still have many – they may just be fewer and far between), you may find that my posts might be more about random things going on in my life that I want to share.

For example…

Tonight I had a really fun girl’s night out. It wasn’t anything extravagant – I didn’t get super dressed up, and we didn’t have a crazy night on the town. But me and my best friend C. got together with another acquaintance of ours, who we actually met through B & C., and it was so nice spending some time with a new friend! S. has been a good friend of B&C for quite some time, and I have always enjoyed spending time with both her and her fiancee when we’ve all hung out. They’re both just really great, lovely people. S and C’s fiances work together, and were getting together for boy’s night. So – C. and I invited S. along for our own girl’s night out. We had a great dinner with lots of good conversation, and then went to see the movie “Julie/Julia.” FANTASTIC! Meryl Streep is exceptional in this movie and it’s the perfect movie to see with your girlfriends. In addition, the company was particularly nice tonight. I spend a lot of time hanging out with couples (friends whom I love) – but tonight reminded me of how much I also love just spending time with the girls; something every Single Girl needs to do on a regular basis. It also reminded me of how nice it can be when you discover the potential for new friendships. I’m still learning (in more recent months) that friendships can be unpredictable and are subject to change. However, with those changes comes the potential for letting new people into your life, and who knows what could come of that?! Anyway, I plan to make an effort to a) have more girls nights out, and b) spend more time getting to know S. and her fiancee.

While I’m making plans, let’s also say that I’m going to make an effort to blog more regularly! If I eliminate the need to simply write about my single life, maybe I’ll surprise myself by getting distracted from it all together – and wouldn’t that be nice! Call it a step in my “X Rehab Plan” (We’ll see though…my singleness does tend to be the thought that occupies my mind the most).

Stay tuned…

P.S. I have just finished the book The Time Traveler’s Wife. I was determined to finish reading it before the movie comes out in a few weeks. AMAZING!! If you’re looking for a good, romantic read, check this one out. But – hang in there for the first 100 pages – it gets much better/easier to follow! You can check out a few more of my book recommendations here.


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