Archive for the 'Lonely' Category

04
Feb
11

Alone

Sometimes….

Coming home after a really long and crappy day to an empty house with no one there…

SUCKS THE BIG ONE.

The end.

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31
Dec
10

A New Year’s Eve note to all my Single readers….

What some of you non-blog writers might not know, is that WordPress provides stats on the number of blog views and referring sites or search terms – how people find our blog or a specific post.

After my post about New Year’s Eve yesterday, I noticed a few search terms that led to/referred my blog. They were:

“I hate New Year”

“going out on nye with all couples and being single”

“‘new year’s eve’ ‘three couples’ ‘lonely'”

“single and alone on NY”

Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I am NOT the only single person struggling with being alone/lonely on  New Year’s Eve. (Duh).

I may not have a lot of single friends, and especially not ones that struggle emotionally with being single the way that I do. But, it doesn’t mean that there aren’t thousands of millions of strangers out there who know exactly what I’m feeling. And some of them are you, readers.

So you know what? When the clock strikes midnight, I will be thinking about all of you out there; our ‘single society’ of people who are not really alone – because we’re all together in that too.

So, thanks for coming along on this journey with me and for reading. Happy New Year…..here’s to YOU 🙂

15
Dec
09

Merry Christmas Charlie Brown

I’m sitting here on the couch watching A Charlie Brown Christmas on TV – an old, childhood favourite. Suddenly, it donned on me. I AM CHARLIE BROWN.

Charlie Brown: I think there must be something wrong with me, Linus. Christmas is coming, but I’m not happy. I don’t feel the way I’m supposed to feel. I just don’t understand Christmas, I guess. I like getting presents and sending Christmas cards and decorating trees and all that, but I’m still not happy. I always end up feeling depressed.

Linus: Charlie Brown, you’re the only person I know who can take a wonderful season like Christmas and turn it into a problem.

AMAZING how a cartoon character can summarize exactly what I’m feeling at this exact point in time. Thank you Charles Schulz.

Christmas is tough when you’re single. There’s just no getting around it, really. I used to really love Christmas. I was one of those ‘annoying’ people who played Christmas carols 24/7, couldn’t wait to decorate, and would start the Christmas countdown in November. As I’ve gotten older, the holiday build-up and excitement has slowly started to wain, and now I just find the whole thing too emotionally draining. I can’t blame it on the singleness alone – I think that as we get older, that whole ‘magic’ of Christmas tends to fade a bit, but being lonely certainly doesn’t help. And I am lonely.

Here’s a question. Why are the most emotionally difficult holidays all grouped together? Christmas, New Year’s, Valentine’s Day, and for me, my birthday. BRUTAL. When you’re single, you can’t not feel alone when everyone around you is happily in love and enjoying the holidays with significant others. I even find it difficult to enjoy time with family over the holidays because I am now the only grandchild on both sides of my family who is STILL single (with lots of cousins). I HATE that this is what I inevitably end up focusing on this time of year, but it’s like everything I do and everywhere I go, I’m reminded of the fact that I’m alone. I’m lucky to have friends and family, and I know many people don’t. But at the same time, I find it so easy to feel lonely in a crowded room these days…

Do any of you single folks out there agree with me that the regularity of the holidays is part of what makes it so hard year, after year? Each of these holi-days is an anniversary of the ones before. So inevitably, I find myself thinking about where I’m going to be at this time next year, and where I was at this time last year – and year, after year I find myself hoping that 365 days from now, I will have someone special in my life to share the holidays with. Six years running, I have been disappointed. I find it hard to stay positive…

Keeping me going are my plans for New Year’s. Although my European trip fell through (VERY long story that ended in a canceled flight with a $450 cancellation fee), my friend JD and I decided to stay a little closer to home and booked a 3-day trip to Quebec City; the “Europe” of Canada 🙂 I am torn about missing the annual party at B&C’s as I missed it last year as well. But, I’m not emotionally strong enough to handle it at this point in time and as much as I will miss the party and all my friends there, I’m looking forward to celebrating New Year’s with a great friend.

Despite this ‘pity party’ post (and I realize it IS just that, but that’s why I created this blog for ME), I am going to do my very best to work on keeping myself happy this holiday season, as was reminded by my fellow blogger Mel. In the mean time, I’ll leave you with this little thought from my Charlie Brown friend, Linus:

“I never thought it was such a bad little tree. It’s not bad at all, really. Maybe it just needs a little love.”

02
Dec
09

Cuts Like A Knife

Sometimes, the littlest or most random thing will make the loneliness of being single so painful, it’s almost unbearable. As ‘dramatic’ as that may sound, I know that I can’t be alone in this.

I believe there’s a huge difference between being alone and being lonely. I LOVE being alone actually (most of the time). Sometimes, I can’t wait for my roommate to go home on the weekends so that I can have the place to myself. And for all the times that I wish I had someone to come home to and tell about my day, I probably enjoy coming home to an empty place even more. But – it doesn’t mean I’m not lonely.

The other night I went to the movies with B and C. They went in to get seats while I got in line for some popcorn. As they turned to walk into the theatre, C grabbed B’s hand; a tiny little gesture that was pretty insignificant. Aside from the fact that B & C are almost never affectionate with other, for some reason, this particular scene triggered something that made me stop – and stare at them from a distance as they headed away from me. In that moment, the longing to have someone just hold my hand was so overwhelming, I almost burst into tears right there in the concession line. The pain of loneliness was so palpable at that moment, triggered by something that is so natural and “everyday” for so many people.

I can’t even remember the last time I felt that kind of intimate affection from someone; a kiss, holding hands, cuddling, a deep hug, sex (I don’t even want to admit how long THAT’S been), a hand on my cheek, the small of my back, or my knee – the craving to feel someone touch me with gentleness and affection is killing me. And more than that, the fear and uncertainty of how much longer I will have to go without it is too much for my mind, and my heart, to take.

30
Oct
09

and then there was one

It’s official. My friends are married. I am now the only single in our group of 9. C&A’s wedding was absolutely beautiful – stunning. And I had a ton of fun. It also marked my last (and 6th) duty as a bridesmaid/maid of honour. It’s a lot of work and time being in a wedding, but the day-of is always so much fun. So, as excited as I am to be done with the stress of the costs and planning, it’s strange not to have a wedding to look forward to being in. Actually, for the first time in I don’t know how long, I don’t have ANY weddings on my calendar – none to be in, and none to go to. I think my bank account could use the break 🙂

Lonely_boat_by_jordanrusevOf course, now that these weddings are over – all talk has turned to babies. I didn’t think it would happen so fast, but the couples that I know have been together for a long time (since high-school for most of them), and many of them living together for awhile so they don’t see the need to wait. As excited as I am for my friends to start this part of their lives, it’s hard not to feel like they’ve set sail on a ship that I’m not on; like I’m on a completely different ship, going in the opposite direction.

As bad as this might sound, I was actually looking forward to getting back to our ‘normal’ lives and conversations again – we’ve had three weddings in our group in the last year and a half, so there’s been a lot of wedding talk. A LOT. Don’t get me wrong – I enjoyed helping two of my best friends plan their weddings. But, I find it difficult sometimes to continually have conversations about things that don’t apply to me, or that I can’t contribute to. Already, talk has turned to the dos and don’ts of pregnancy, getting pregnant, having babies etc, etc so it feels like the cycle is starting all over again.

As a 27 year-old single woman, I want to talk about the dos and don’ts of dating, and work, and careers and travel – so I can’t help but feel like I’m at a completely different life stage than the rest of my friends. I love going out with my single girlfriends (the two that I have!) We have much more in common, and share similar stories and can relate to each other – not just about being single, but about our interests, our plans, our jobs etc. The good thing is that I’m content with that – I don’t want to get married right now. I don’t want to be pregnant. I don’t want to be at that life stage yet. I want do the ‘single things’ now, and save the other stuff for later; there’s still plenty of time for me to do all that. But it scares me – because I’m afraid that these differences in interests, and life stages and conversations are going to separate me from my other, very close friends. Because as happy as I am for them, it’s difficult. It’s difficult to feel like I’m behind – when really – I’m not! But they now have all these shared experiences in common, and I don’t. And while I can’t imagine not being there when the babies start arriving, I’m feeling a little left out; like the rest of them will have these common bonds and experiences that I can’t share in. I’m sure my fears are unwarranted, but it’s hard to say what will happen – friends have gone their separate ways over much less. Funny part is, I don’t have this fear about my relationships with each couple individually; I only find it difficult when we’re all in a group and talking about this kind of stuff.

Safe to say, the relationship dynamics of our group will probably change – but here’s hoping that my friends will let me take a sail on their boat once and awhile, and hopefully they’ll want to sail on mine.

18
Oct
09

in pursuit of happiness

walking“To have joy one must share it. Happiness was born a twin.” Lord Byron, 1788  – 1824

Do you think this is true? I believe that people can be happy alone (although not sure I’m there yet). But sometimes, the pursuit of happiness – is a lonely road. Especially when the twin is missing. And I believe that you can be happy, without neccessarily experiencing happi-ness – does that make sense?

On Friday, I had my annual performance evaluation at work. I always get nervous for these despite the fact that I’m fairly confident in my job, and consistently reassured that I’m doing well. Turns out – my boss thinks I’m fantastic. I exceed expectations. People like working with me. She thinks I have potential to be a leader on our team. AND – she thinks I’m so great that I’m getting a big fat raise. Now – who wouldn’t be happy about that!? Of course I was…

But then I came home. And there was no one to tell. No one to celebrate with. No one to hug and kiss me and say “I told you so!” or “Congratulations!” and “You deserve it!” My parents were thrilled of course, and my best friend C. – but it just wasn’t the same. It was lonely. And although it was great news, and I was happy about it – the happi-ness of being able to share it with someone was missing.

I’m sure there are people reading this who think I’m a whiner – that I should just be thankful for such a great opportunity, and happy that everything else in my life is going great. And so what if I’m single? It’s one piece out of a whole puzzle of things that make up a happy life. But sometimes, I’d be willing to give up so many of those other puzzle pieces to have someone who’s committed to me. Because if everything else in my life was less than perfect, you’re still left with someone to share it with. The highs and the lows. Someone in my corner who’s made the choice to love me, support me, and be happy with me. Whatever I’m going through, I’m not alone. And I do believe that happiness is so much sweeter when you share it with someone. And the lows are much easier to get through when it’s someone’s job and commitement to be on your side.

But this is my blog – and I’ll whine if I want to. This just reassures for me again that – IF – I ever do find someone who becomes my partner, I know I will be that much more grateful. And if all of these other good things in my life go away, I will remember this blog and how badly all I wanted was someone to share it with. So for me, the pursuit of happiness goes on…

11
Oct
09

Spoke too soon

As per my previous post, I may have jinxed myself.

I apparently thought I was OK with the whole X/GF situation. But regardless of whether I am or  not, going to a wedding where you are single and your ex is there with a new girlfriend, SUCKS. And unfortuantely, going home alone after it is even worse. Not feeling in a fesitve, Thanksgivingy mood….




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