Archive for the 'Types of Dating' Category

03
Dec
10

Seriously!? Seriously.

There should be a book of etiquette for dating. Seriously.

I was on another unofficial dating diet over the summer. Not only was I super busy and preoccupied by the newest love of my life (B&C had a little baby boy in June who has completely stolen my heart), but I also was feeling no urge to deal with all the annoying discouragement that often accompanies the process of online dating (which is feeling like the ONLY opportunity to meet any single men these days).

But in early Fall with some encouragement from my folks, I DID end up giving eHarmony another go. And shortly before my 3-month subscription expired, I started corresponding with this guy who was super cute, and who I seemed to really hit it off with. We had tons in common, and for the first time in my entire online dating experience, I found myself being really excited to get an email from him and was eager to meet in person. And when we did? He was JUST as cute in person as in his pictures and we had a really fun date, with lots to talk about. T. seemed a little full of himself and there were some other very minor red flags raised but I enjoyed his company and was looking forward to another date.

T. continued to text, call and email me over the next few days – but in our conversations, he never said anything about getting together again. So, taking matters into my own hands, I proposed another date and we met for a movie. T. held my hand during the movie and was being really sweet. But when we went out for coffee after, I got the vibe that he wasn’t really…’there’. He kept looking around, and just didn’t seem that interested in what I was saying. I left slightly confused but nonchalant about it – I enjoyed our date and was willing to go out again, but if he didn’t call – I wasn’t going to be crushed either. I got the sense that T. was not someone I was destined to have a serious relationship with but we seemed to be enjoying each other’s company, he made me laugh, and he was the first guy I had dated in…..years….who didn’t make me want to run the other way if he tried to hold my hand or kiss me. I was heading on vacation for a week and a half and figured I’d just see what happened.

To my surprise, T continued to keep in touch and went on about what a great time he’d had on our date (Me thinking: REALLY!? Were we on the same date?) But – cool – I thought. I got in touch when I was back from vacay, and we made a date for the Friday of the following week. T. implied that he was eager to see me – even though it was ME who had to, once again, initiate making the actual date. I was going away for a long weekend and he was going to be travelling on business during the week so it was a week and half before we would see each other again.

Well, did I ever hear from T again? NOPE. After sending one text and one Facebook message over the week we wouldn’t see each other, I never heard anything back. And when Friday rolled around for our date? NADA. I was slightly disappointed because even though I wasn’t pining for T., I WAS kind of looking forward to a fun little fling. It has been SO LONG since I’ve had ANY kind of feeling for ANY guy so I was kind of willing to go with the flow on this one….

But seriously!? You initiate all of our conversations, say you’re disappointed that it will be so long before you see me and yet stand me up for a date with no explanation at all and stop returning ANY of my messages!? What an ass. If you’re not interested in me, that’s fine. I’m not all that interested in you either! But at least have the courtesy and manners to have SOME kind of communication with me. Make up an excuse for crying out loud! I don’t even care! But at least acknowledge that we went on a couple of dates and you led on as though you were interested. No matter how few dates I’ve gone on with someone, I ALWAYS make that difficult contact letting them know I’m not interested. The least he could do was make up a lie!

But….

Imagine my surprise when T. caught me off guard while I was in the car early this week – calling me to “see how things were going.” Did he acknowledge that he got my message(s)? Yep. Did he apologize for not responding? No. Did he acknowledge missing our date? No. He went on as though NOTHING had happened and that it HADN’T been two weeks since we’d talked! Had I had access to caller ID while driving I would NOT have answered the phone. But, maybe it was better this way because the conversation was certainly awkward and I purposefully let there be awkward silence. I was just so stunned that he didn’t even acknowledge the fact that he had all but ignored me for two weeks. He talked about how he’d been commuting, but come on buddy – you have a Blackberry for crying out loud. And I had seen him active on Facebook throughout the week so I KNEW he’d gotten that message.

Needless to say, I got out of the conversation quickly and I doubt I’ll be hearing from him again. Fine by me. I can acknowledge when someone is not into me and I’m a firm believer in listening to the advice in “He’s Just Not That Into You” (Yes, I’m a big supporter of this book – because all of this advice has proven to be true!) And a guy who can’t even come up with some kind of creative excuse as for why he hasn’t called or doesn’t have the kahonas to even respond to my phone calls or texts, is not even worth the fling.

Adios T…..on to the next….sigh.

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19
Jan
10

Find Me Somebody To Love

(Love that song, especially the version they did on Glee).

So, I’m seriously considering giving the online dating thing another go. I’ve been toying with the idea of getting back on eHarmony for about a week or so now. Maybe because they have a good deal on right now, or because it’s hard to resist the couples on those commercials who look so freakin’ happy, and do a damn good job of convincing me that – yes- my perfect match is out there, just waiting for me to find him. The thing that keeps stopping me is the ridiculous frustration and discouragement that have followed my last several attempts at online dating (or really, dating in general). I swore that I would NEVER do it again. It almost felt worse than not dating at all because some of the matches I saw made me go: “Are you kidding me? This is the best that’s out there?!” Or, I’d go on a few dates, and like every other guy since X and my last crush, there’d be absolutely no chemistry or interest on my end whatsoever.

Given that, I’ve been on a self-imposed dating diet for quite some time now. And as much as I remain incredibly discouraged about dating and my seeming inability to even develop a ‘crush’ on someone, I figure that I’m not getting any further by throwing in the towel on dating all together either. I’m not ready to commit to online dating again just yet, but I’m thinking about it.

Going back and reading some of my older posts about my online dating experiences and thoughts are not helping the cause right now….I’d better give it a few more days…

14
Mar
09

cautious optimism

So I had a date on Thursday night. I hadn’t mentioned it in my blog, because I was sure it would be another disappointment – following the same pattern of other blind dates/guys I had met online.  Imagine my surprise when I actually enjoyed this date! I wouldn’t say the sparks were flying, but there is definitely potential, which is more than I can say for the rest of my dates.

Unlike other guys I had met online, I actually communicated with this guy for about two weeks via email before we decided to meet. Usually, it would be 2-3 emails and then coffee. I think this was a much better way to go, because we got to know a lot more about each other and the more I found out about him, the more I liked him and was curious to meet. It was hard not to get excited about the date, because he sounded fantastic – super nice, lots of questions and we seemed to have a lot in common. But I was worried that what seeemed good ‘on paper’ wouldn’t transate in person. Luckily, it did. We had great conversation, lots to say, lots in common and although the physical attraction wasn’t super strong – I do think he’s cute. To-date, probably the best blind date I’ve been on. We had already planned our second date before we finished our first! And – would you believe that today is my birthday, and S. (my date) was the first one to call me today and wish me a happy birthday? Hmmmm….:)

Now it’s up to me not to get freaked out that this could actually be something – provided that connection/spark starts to grow. Thank goodness I listened to my best friend C. and avoided the Starbucks first date like all of my other blind dates – maybe it made my luck start to turn….I’m cautiously optimistic.

05
Mar
09

Love-Sci

Is it just me, or is there more and more information out there about love being a ‘science’; match-making theories based on genetics, biology, DNA etc.? Or theories about how the natural ‘smell’ that we give off, or the way we blink or dart our eyes at someone, is evidence of our attraction to them?

A few weeks ago, I watched a special on 20/20 that tested the research of some doctor (who wrote a book called “Why Him? Why Her?“) who claims that every human being fits into one of four categories based on certain characteristics. She claims that certain pairings of these four different personality types are more successful than others. But, turns out that after following a few potential couples of these ‘ideal’ pairings, none really stuck. Coincidence? Maybe. I mean, there are still so many other things that have to match in order to make a relationship work.

The show also followed a few couples who were matched by a professional, $30,000 a pop, matchmaker. After intensive conversation with her clients, determining the ideal qualities they would each look for in a partner, she would strategically match them up and send them on dates. The gentleman whose story they were following went on two dates – the girl he liked, didn’t like him back – and the one he didn’t like, believed they had a ‘connection.’ Another failed attempt. What was funny about all of this, was that the last couple they featured was an Indian couple brought together by their families in an arranged marriage; literally chosen out of a newspaper ad that listed no personal characteristics whatsover – just facts about his/her occupation, education, and wealth. Despite meeting only once before their wedding, this couple has been happily married (and in love) for over one year. Coincidence again? That after the five matches featured on the show, this was the one that was the most successful?

So IS there a science to it? Some magic formula? Do theories, and genetics and personality characteristics really play a part, or is the whole thing just luck? Right time, right place, and different elements of two people that just happen to mesh well? Is it more important that our upbringing and education and job title equate to our partner’s for a relationship to be successful? Horoscopes have been around for ages – and do you think that a happy couple whose astrological signs don’t really match, are doomed to fail? And doesn’t the thought of some scientific theory, or personality matching system or astrological pairing – just take the fun and mystery out of it all? (OK, so that was a long series of rhetorical questions…)

I did the personality test that was featured on 20/20 (you can do it to – for free- by signing up here), and I would definitely say that the results were right on the money with the kind of person I am. Having said that – we are each individuals. And someone who is the same personality type as me won’t neccessarily be attracted to or interested in the same guy that I might be. I guess what I’m trying to say (not so eloquently) about all of this, is that I just don’t really buy it. I don’t think that these personality tests and theories and scientific evidence about our genetics and DNA and the ‘scents’ that we give off, really have anything to do with finding a match. I truly think it’s based on two factors: luck and timing. Things we like about someone, and things we don’t like about someone. And that is individual for every single person on the planet. So, until I see more scientific evidence that proves the success and happinness of couples based on any of these theories, I’m giong to enjoy the mystery of wondering who the guy I end up with might be.

Another item for my Single Girl’s Survival List (I believe this is #17, for those who have been following): I LOVE having a queen size bed all to myself. I sprawl out every night and don’t have to fight for covers, pillows or space.

23
Feb
09

Random thoughts from the weekend…

Alright – so I’m too tired to come up with a clever title for this one.

I had a great weekend! First of all, it was Spring Break week at my work, which meant some professional development sessions for staff. On Friday, I went to one of the most inspiring lectures of my life! One of our well-known faculty gave a talk about some of his life experiences; notably, losing his brother-in-law in a mountain climbing accident in New Zealand and having to keep himself alive overnight in -30C weather wearing shorts and a t-shirt. His brother-in-law basically saved his life by refusing to accept his outstretched hand, and he describes this as the one second that changed his life. His outlook on life has been completely different since – his entire lecture was about seizing the day, taking advantage of opportunities that come your way (or looking for the not so obvious opportunities!), and seeing the positive in everything – even tragedy. It’s hard to really put into words how moving this lecture was for me. I think that it just came at the right time in my life –  I’ve been thinking about some life changes, and looking for all the reasons why I shouldn’t do it. I’m starting to see that maybe there’s a reason I’m still single, and the universe is trying to tell me that there’s something else I’m suppsed to be doing; taking advantage of the opportunities in my single life, instead of bitching about it. Needless to say, I have a bit of a different outlook on things right now.

Friday night, I went with my friend J. to see the movie “He’s Just Not That Into You.” FANTASTIC! I expected a cute chick-flick, but not much else. But I enjoyed it much more than I thought I would! J. and I are big fans of the book, and it actually translated really well to the screen. It was funny to be in the theatre with all these women and hear everyone “ooooh” and “aahhh” and “tsk” at the same moments. You definitely got the sense that most of us had been there! I highly recommend it as a great girl’s night out. My only complaint – the whole premise of the book and the movie is that single girls need to remind themselves that they are the rule, and not the exception. However, the movie doesn’t exactly end that way. This was kind of disappointing – I sort of hoped they would show that a single girl’s life can still be great, even if “He’s Just Not That Into You.” Regardless, this book is a must read and the movie is a must-see for single girls everywhere. Trust me.

In other updates this week, I have made the decision NOT to email my last crush. I figure – what do I want to get out of it? I’ll end up waiting for some reply that won’t make me feel any better. And at the end of the day, the fact that he’s engaged will have to suffice as enough closure for me. We went on a few dates and it didn’t work out. Really, while I wish him the best, I don’t owe him a congrats – and emotionally,  it’s not worth it.

The eHarmony quest is still ongoing. I float back and forth from seeing this as ‘seizing opportunities’ (as mentioned above), and being just a big pain in my a$$. Here’s the thing about online dating – if you’re really serious about it, it’s actually a lot of work! It’s exhausting to read and weed through all those matches; especially when you don’t know enough about the person to be really ‘excited’ about communicating with them – so you have to push through the first few stages in order to really find out more, and see if it’s been worth all your time. Someone recently gave me the analogy that online dating is like working in sales; you make 10 cold calls, hope to get 3 prospects, and might get 1 sale out of those. Well – I have looked at over 100 matches since I rejoined eHarmony, and I’m only communicating with 2 of them. So, the stats are not necessarily so good but as my mom says, it only takes one. We’ll see what happens.

In other news, I haven’t had any communication with X in weeks. Not so sure it’s newsworthy, but for the first time, I kind of don’t care. If he calls to see how things are, great – it would be nice to catch-up. But I wrote him two messages back in January and never heard back so what’s the point? It’s kind of funny that sometimes it takes a completely, non-dramatic ‘event’ to make you see the light. One of my friends once told me that maybe if I stopped trying so hard to have a friendship with X, it would just happen naturally. I’m starting to think he might be right.

Hmm….what else in random thoughts of the week….

Oh – I have a wee little crush on Dev Patel from Slumdog Millionaire. Another fantastic movie that I saw on Saturday  night during my girl’s night with B. I wasn’t sure I would like it because I’m not usually into the underdog/independent films, but it was such a sweet movie. Yes – he’s 18, but what a cutie, and so sincerely amazed and humbled by this new found success. And his British accent makes him that much more adorable. And the little kids in this movie??? To die for (check out this interview – it will definitely make you smile!). Thoroughly enjoyed the Oscars last night too – the best broadcast of it that I’ve seen, and I agree with all the winning choices.  All in all – a great Single Girl’s weekend.

09
Dec
08

A Band-Aid Fix

Today I got thinking that there should be such a thing as “temporary dating”; a band-aid solution for those of us who have felt the loneliness of singledom for too long and and need to remember what it feels like to be in a relationship. This is not necessarily the same as a fling, although those can be good too. More so, I think that temporary dating should give you the opportunity to be in a ‘relationship’ with someone who you’re comfortable with, get along with, and are attracted too – but you both know that things aren’t going anywhere in the long run. However, for an agreed upon, designated period of time – you are a couple (hence the difference of a no-strings-attached fling or a ‘friends-with-benefits’ thing, although, I know both options definitely work for some).band-aid3

Think about that guy in your life that you know isn’t the guy for you. Maybe because you’ve dated and it didn’t work out, maybe because you’re just friends, or maybe because you’re head over heels for someone who isn’t into commitment. For those of us who are craving all those things that come with a relationship (the cuddling, the sharing, the long talks, the kissing…and yes, the sex), this seems like the perfect band-aid. You both agree that for X amount of time, you don’t see other people, and do everything that couples do. When that time is up? You’ve had your fix, feel rescued from the feeling of eternal singledom, and have regained your optimism about being ready to rip off the band-aid and move on to find the guy who IS the one; you happily part ways. Of course, terms and conditions of this ‘temporary relationship’ would need to be negotiated. But, at the end of the day – it seems like a win win.

Of course, nothing on paper (especially when emotions are involved) is ever as easy in reality. And yes, I’ll admit that this idea has stemmed from my good/bad/complicated friendship with my ex;  someone I feel comfortable with, have always had a ‘connection’ with, and yet – know that never in a million years would I ever want to end up with him in the long-run. But, would he be a suitable band-aid after being single for 4 years? Absolutely. Will I do it?  Not likely. But if  ‘temporary dating’ was a practical, uncomplicated and acceptable practice, I’d probably be all over it. It’s hard to be single for this long and not start to second guess a past relationship, especially when you haven’t had a good one since, or haven’t even come close to it.  You wonder if maybe that was as good as it gets, or that maybe you’ve both grown-up and changed and things would be different. Or that the reason you haven’t met anyone else is because maybe he WAS the one. Luckily, I know better and have friends and family to snap me out of it this thinking pattern and make sure I didn’t waste my time with “Ex” anymore – and being friends with him means I’m constantly reminded why he could NEVER be the one for me (a big advantage to the being friends thing). I guess I’m just hoping that my loneliness will heal on it’s own soon, and I won’t be tempted by a band-aid solution.

14
Oct
08

Just a brief update…

Six days after receiving my email, JD finally wrote back. SOOOO much waiting and no explanation for the delay. Perhaps we’re so used to getting everything so lickity split these days with blackberries, and iphones and Facebook – that this is technically considered a normal turnaround time for an email? I don’t know. I just know that I’m not into the games, and I would find it hard to believe he was that busy, for that long, that he wouldn’t have time to write a quick email. Am I being too tough on hiim, here? I guess I just thought he was excited and wanted to get this show on the road, like I did.

So – although I won’t be writing back tonight, I’m not making any plans to wait either. I’ll probably write back tomorrow. I always say, “you permit, what you promote” – and I refuse to give in to playing the game.

He did ask me out, which I had mixed feelings about. Of course I’d like to meet him, but I was kind of hoping we’d get to know each other a bit better before that. I’m so terrified of being disappointed again, on yet another blind date, and would rather avoid it as long as possible – have some time to get a little more excited about it first.

And – I still haven’t seen a picture. Good or bad thing….I’m not sure. At the end of the day, what looks good on paper with this guy means nothing if the rest of it isn’t there. Let’s hope I’m not waiting another week to find out!




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