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A New Year….

Another New Year.

I have to admit that I’m one of those people who buys into the hype of New Year’s resolutions, and starting fresh. While I hate the overrated activities of New Year’s Eve (it really IS just another day), there is something about January 1st that is generally encouraging and hopeful. Some people say, “But you can start fresh any day – it’s all in the attitude” – and I agree. But you have to admit that there is something about a new year that just makes it easier to start…well…new.

I am also a believer in New Year’s resolutions. Yes, many don’t keep, but some do and have helped me a lot. Lots of my fellow bloggers have been listing some of their New Year’s resolutions so I figured I’d do the same. The trick is to tell someone what they are (this makes you a bit more accountable), and make them small things that are achievable in steps. So, mine are (in no particular order):

– Up my once a week spinning class to two per week. Within this resolution, attempt a non-beginners class.
– Find new recipes for the crockpot and use it more. Within this resolution, find healthy recipes.
– Get my finances in order. This means paying back my folks, and putting more in savings each month.
– Stop worrying so much about what other people will think if I do, or don’t do, X or Y. (Baby steps on this; one person and one decision at a time…)
– Recover, heal, close-off, find peace, recuperate, detox…whatever it is, to put my relationship with X behind me for good. Within this resolution, celebrate the baby steps I achieve in this process. (Opting out of B&C’s New Years house party, for the second year in a row, was a good start here…)
Lastly, when struggling with being single and being lonely, remember and BELIEVE these words from my cousin, E: “The things you wish for will come your way – that is a guarantee. But, they won’t come until they’re meant to come.  You wouldn’t want it any other way because life has a way of unfolding in the way it is supposed to and if you try to force it to do something other than that, things turn messy.”

It’s hard to imagine what’s going to transpire for me over this next year. My Olympic experience will no doubt be life-changing. And at the same time, I’m trying to approach this year with no expectations – I’m not hoping for anything special, or convincing myself that this is the year that this, or that, is going to happen. I’m going to just focus on me, and what I’m doing in the moment – what will be, will be. (Although easier said than done, me thinks!)

So – best of luck with your New Year’s resolutions! I’ll try and keep you posted on mine as the year goes on….which reminds me, I should also add “Blog more regularly” to my list of resos!


the men in my life

Last week, I spent a night out at the mall doing some Christmas shopping with my Dad. We ran around trying to get some gifts taken care of, and enjoyed a nice gourmet dinner in the mall food court. I had such a good time hanging out with him and chatting, just the two of us. When I still lived at home, there was usually about an hour in between the time that my Mom and brother got home that Dad and I would chat, and start getting dinner ready. Having lived on my own for a couple of years now, it’s rare that my Dad and I spend a lot of time together, just him and me.

After I got home that night, it donned on me. I have some pretty amazing men in my life. My Dad is one of them. My brother is another. They’re two of the most sincere, genuine, kind, funny and caring men I have ever known. My Dad would do anything for me – truly. And my brother….he’s wise beyond his years, and someone that I, despite being his older sister, really look up to. You’d be hard pressed to find anyone who would have a bad word to say about either or them. My Dad has no problem starting spontaneous conversations with the most random people – from the sales guy at the GAP, to the vendors at the market he goes to every day for lunch (he’s on a first-name basis with all of them). He has such a genuinely warm personality and this honest sense of humour, that people immediately feel comfortable around him, and it doesn’t take long for him to earn their trust and respect. People really can’t help but love him.

That being said, it makes it easier for me to understand why I’m still single. There’s nothing I hate more than when people accuse ‘singles’ of being picky. Sure, some of them are. But my expectations are reasonable, and I refuse to lower them. I have grown-up with some amazing men who have shown me what it means to be a good man – to be kind and thoughtful, strong but not macho, sensitive but not weak, confident but not cocky, and successful at managing the important relationships in life. AND – good to the women they love and care about. Having grown up with models like that, how could I settle for anything less? John Mayer sums it up better than I ever could here. Enjoy.

“On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world…

Fathers be good to your daughters.
Daughters will love like you do.
Girls become lovers, who turn into mothers.
So Fathers be good to your daughters too.”


Merry Christmas Charlie Brown

I’m sitting here on the couch watching A Charlie Brown Christmas on TV – an old, childhood favourite. Suddenly, it donned on me. I AM CHARLIE BROWN.

Charlie Brown: I think there must be something wrong with me, Linus. Christmas is coming, but I’m not happy. I don’t feel the way I’m supposed to feel. I just don’t understand Christmas, I guess. I like getting presents and sending Christmas cards and decorating trees and all that, but I’m still not happy. I always end up feeling depressed.

Linus: Charlie Brown, you’re the only person I know who can take a wonderful season like Christmas and turn it into a problem.

AMAZING how a cartoon character can summarize exactly what I’m feeling at this exact point in time. Thank you Charles Schulz.

Christmas is tough when you’re single. There’s just no getting around it, really. I used to really love Christmas. I was one of those ‘annoying’ people who played Christmas carols 24/7, couldn’t wait to decorate, and would start the Christmas countdown in November. As I’ve gotten older, the holiday build-up and excitement has slowly started to wain, and now I just find the whole thing too emotionally draining. I can’t blame it on the singleness alone – I think that as we get older, that whole ‘magic’ of Christmas tends to fade a bit, but being lonely certainly doesn’t help. And I am lonely.

Here’s a question. Why are the most emotionally difficult holidays all grouped together? Christmas, New Year’s, Valentine’s Day, and for me, my birthday. BRUTAL. When you’re single, you can’t not feel alone when everyone around you is happily in love and enjoying the holidays with significant others. I even find it difficult to enjoy time with family over the holidays because I am now the only grandchild on both sides of my family who is STILL single (with lots of cousins). I HATE that this is what I inevitably end up focusing on this time of year, but it’s like everything I do and everywhere I go, I’m reminded of the fact that I’m alone. I’m lucky to have friends and family, and I know many people don’t. But at the same time, I find it so easy to feel lonely in a crowded room these days…

Do any of you single folks out there agree with me that the regularity of the holidays is part of what makes it so hard year, after year? Each of these holi-days is an anniversary of the ones before. So inevitably, I find myself thinking about where I’m going to be at this time next year, and where I was at this time last year – and year, after year I find myself hoping that 365 days from now, I will have someone special in my life to share the holidays with. Six years running, I have been disappointed. I find it hard to stay positive…

Keeping me going are my plans for New Year’s. Although my European trip fell through (VERY long story that ended in a canceled flight with a $450 cancellation fee), my friend JD and I decided to stay a little closer to home and booked a 3-day trip to Quebec City; the “Europe” of Canada 🙂 I am torn about missing the annual party at B&C’s as I missed it last year as well. But, I’m not emotionally strong enough to handle it at this point in time and as much as I will miss the party and all my friends there, I’m looking forward to celebrating New Year’s with a great friend.

Despite this ‘pity party’ post (and I realize it IS just that, but that’s why I created this blog for ME), I am going to do my very best to work on keeping myself happy this holiday season, as was reminded by my fellow blogger Mel. In the mean time, I’ll leave you with this little thought from my Charlie Brown friend, Linus:

“I never thought it was such a bad little tree. It’s not bad at all, really. Maybe it just needs a little love.”


Cuts Like A Knife

Sometimes, the littlest or most random thing will make the loneliness of being single so painful, it’s almost unbearable. As ‘dramatic’ as that may sound, I know that I can’t be alone in this.

I believe there’s a huge difference between being alone and being lonely. I LOVE being alone actually (most of the time). Sometimes, I can’t wait for my roommate to go home on the weekends so that I can have the place to myself. And for all the times that I wish I had someone to come home to and tell about my day, I probably enjoy coming home to an empty place even more. But – it doesn’t mean I’m not lonely.

The other night I went to the movies with B and C. They went in to get seats while I got in line for some popcorn. As they turned to walk into the theatre, C grabbed B’s hand; a tiny little gesture that was pretty insignificant. Aside from the fact that B & C are almost never affectionate with other, for some reason, this particular scene triggered something that made me stop – and stare at them from a distance as they headed away from me. In that moment, the longing to have someone just hold my hand was so overwhelming, I almost burst into tears right there in the concession line. The pain of loneliness was so palpable at that moment, triggered by something that is so natural and “everyday” for so many people.

I can’t even remember the last time I felt that kind of intimate affection from someone; a kiss, holding hands, cuddling, a deep hug, sex (I don’t even want to admit how long THAT’S been), a hand on my cheek, the small of my back, or my knee – the craving to feel someone touch me with gentleness and affection is killing me. And more than that, the fear and uncertainty of how much longer I will have to go without it is too much for my mind, and my heart, to take.


Guy Wanted

I’m sure that all the single girls out there miss the same things I do about being being in a couple – the kissing, the cuddling, the phone calls, the texts, the companionship, the friendship, and yes – the sex. But sometimes, it’s the little random things about just having a GUY around, that I miss.

For example, this week I had to take my car in for an oil change. No big deal, I’ve done this plenty of times on my own and don’t need a guy to ‘help’ me. But, the mechanic who was taking my information at the garage asked me if I wanted to do the ‘third level’ tune-up, and went on to explain what that entailed. Well, you know what? I had no idea what he was talking about. But of course, he went on about how it’s really important that I get this done because I’ve passed X number of kilometres and winter is coming, blah, blah, blah. And while he seemed pretty sincere, I couldn’t help but wonder if he was just trying to ‘up-sell’ me (as is his job.) So, I half-heartedly agreed, but asked them to calculate the price first. Well. It was almost $300, compared to the $72 I would pay for the regular tune-up. Thing is, I didn’t know what to do!! I mean, does my car really need all that maintenance before winter?! Maybe it does! It sounded legit. But I am a “girl’s girl “and not ashamed to admit it. I know SQUAT about cars and maintenance, and all I was thinking at that moment, is how badly I wish I had a guy around to ask (or, just take the car in for me 🙂 So, it’s quite possible I could break down on the side of the highway this winter because I wasn’t sure whether or not to buy into what was, or was not, just a sales pitch.

In the same week, my washing machine started leaking. Yep. Water all over the floor. But of course, I had to wait a few days until my Dad had time to come over and look at it. AND – my stupid, sliding closet door has been broken/off its hinges for more than a month now, and although I have tried to fix it on my own, I’m just not tall or strong enough to get it back on the track. IT SUCKS. Every morning I have to get my coat and shoes out, I curse that stupid door and the fact that I have been too embarrassed to ask one of my guy friends (or my Dad) to come over and fix it for me (because I know it only takes 2 seconds). Should have had my Dad fix it while he was here the other night… DUH.

Anyway, I’m not saying that girls can’t do this kind of stuff. I’ve gotten used to doing a lot of things on my own and know that I am perfectly capable of doing just about anything –   if I looked up instructions online, or made the effort to try and learn more about cars, and plumbing etc., I could do it. One day, I’m sure I’ll be grateful that I lived on my own and learned to fend for myself. The thing is, it would just be nice sometimes to have a guy around to help. I hate taking out the kitchen garbage…with a passion. I hate having to do all the cleaning by myself. I hate having to do laundry, especially folding and ironing, by myself. I hate cooking by myself. I hate grocery shopping and carrying all the bags upstairs…by myself. There’s no splitting errands or crappy chores when you’re single.


Merry Christmas (to me)

I’ve said before that one of the advantages of being single is that you save money having to buy gifts for a significant other (and his family) on special occasions. So the way I see it, I might as well spend the money I would spend on a boyfriend – on myself!

That’s why this week, C. and I booked ourselves Christmas facials at one of the swankiest spas in town. For one hour, it’s going set me back WAY too much but I don’t care. C. and I agreed this would be our Christmas present to each other and I’m justifying spending the other half (we’d never usually spend this much on each other!) as a Christmas present to myself…

Single? Merry Christmas to you! Go out and treat yourself to something special 🙂 I HIGHLY recommend a spa facial…


Do YOU Believe?

The subject of this post is really two-fold.

First, “Do you believe?” happens to be the slogan for CTV’s promos for the Olympic games. Why does this matter? Well, I just found out that I was offered a volunteer position at the Olympics!!! AMAZING. This is really a dream come true for me; to actually participate in the Olympic Games in my home country. I’ll be traveling from Ontario to BC for just over 3 weeks in February, and I absolutely can’t wait. Definitely a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and I’m so glad I took a chance and went for this!

Now – the second idea behind this post is the idea of psychics. That’s right, psychics.

A few weeks ago, my mom went to an event where there was a psychic as a guest speaker. Halfway through her presentation, she turned to my Mom (who was sitting just off to the side) and said abruptly: “I need to talk to you after.” So, when she was finished, the psychic came over to my Mom and basically said that although she knows her daughter (ME) has been going through some rough times in the last couple of years (very true), that things were going to turn around for me in 2010 and it will be my year; she sees me doing some traveling (true), and says that in February 2010, I’m going to meet someone and he will be the “one”. She also proceeded to tell my Mom a few more things about myself and my brother, all eerily accurate. AND – she also recalled some things from my mom’s past, that very few people are privy to. So….

I certainly don’t plan on living my life based on what this woman has said. But – I’d by lying if I said I didn’t find myself a little….relieved? I kind of feel like I can just let it go for awhile, you know? Not think about it. And if it doesn’t happen – well it doesn’t happen. But if it does? I won’t have spent these last few months dwelling on it. Of course, I should be able to do this – let it go that is – without the guidance/predictions of a psychic;  but I guess there’s just something kind of reassuring about it that gives me that extra bit of belief….weird? Yes. Harmful? No.

So, do YOU believe?


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