Posts Tagged ‘Advice

03
Dec
10

Seriously!? Seriously.

There should be a book of etiquette for dating. Seriously.

I was on another unofficial dating diet over the summer. Not only was I super busy and preoccupied by the newest love of my life (B&C had a little baby boy in June who has completely stolen my heart), but I also was feeling no urge to deal with all the annoying discouragement that often accompanies the process of online dating (which is feeling like the ONLY opportunity to meet any single men these days).

But in early Fall with some encouragement from my folks, I DID end up giving eHarmony another go. And shortly before my 3-month subscription expired, I started corresponding with this guy who was super cute, and who I seemed to really hit it off with. We had tons in common, and for the first time in my entire online dating experience, I found myself being really excited to get an email from him and was eager to meet in person. And when we did? He was JUST as cute in person as in his pictures and we had a really fun date, with lots to talk about. T. seemed a little full of himself and there were some other very minor red flags raised but I enjoyed his company and was looking forward to another date.

T. continued to text, call and email me over the next few days – but in our conversations, he never said anything about getting together again. So, taking matters into my own hands, I proposed another date and we met for a movie. T. held my hand during the movie and was being really sweet. But when we went out for coffee after, I got the vibe that he wasn’t really…’there’. He kept looking around, and just didn’t seem that interested in what I was saying. I left slightly confused but nonchalant about it – I enjoyed our date and was willing to go out again, but if he didn’t call – I wasn’t going to be crushed either. I got the sense that T. was not someone I was destined to have a serious relationship with but we seemed to be enjoying each other’s company, he made me laugh, and he was the first guy I had dated in…..years….who didn’t make me want to run the other way if he tried to hold my hand or kiss me. I was heading on vacation for a week and a half and figured I’d just see what happened.

To my surprise, T continued to keep in touch and went on about what a great time he’d had on our date (Me thinking: REALLY!? Were we on the same date?) But – cool – I thought. I got in touch when I was back from vacay, and we made a date for the Friday of the following week. T. implied that he was eager to see me – even though it was ME who had to, once again, initiate making the actual date. I was going away for a long weekend and he was going to be travelling on business during the week so it was a week and half before we would see each other again.

Well, did I ever hear from T again? NOPE. After sending one text and one Facebook message over the week we wouldn’t see each other, I never heard anything back. And when Friday rolled around for our date? NADA. I was slightly disappointed because even though I wasn’t pining for T., I WAS kind of looking forward to a fun little fling. It has been SO LONG since I’ve had ANY kind of feeling for ANY guy so I was kind of willing to go with the flow on this one….

But seriously!? You initiate all of our conversations, say you’re disappointed that it will be so long before you see me and yet stand me up for a date with no explanation at all and stop returning ANY of my messages!? What an ass. If you’re not interested in me, that’s fine. I’m not all that interested in you either! But at least have the courtesy and manners to have SOME kind of communication with me. Make up an excuse for crying out loud! I don’t even care! But at least acknowledge that we went on a couple of dates and you led on as though you were interested. No matter how few dates I’ve gone on with someone, I ALWAYS make that difficult contact letting them know I’m not interested. The least he could do was make up a lie!

But….

Imagine my surprise when T. caught me off guard while I was in the car early this week – calling me to “see how things were going.” Did he acknowledge that he got my message(s)? Yep. Did he apologize for not responding? No. Did he acknowledge missing our date? No. He went on as though NOTHING had happened and that it HADN’T been two weeks since we’d talked! Had I had access to caller ID while driving I would NOT have answered the phone. But, maybe it was better this way because the conversation was certainly awkward and I purposefully let there be awkward silence. I was just so stunned that he didn’t even acknowledge the fact that he had all but ignored me for two weeks. He talked about how he’d been commuting, but come on buddy – you have a Blackberry for crying out loud. And I had seen him active on Facebook throughout the week so I KNEW he’d gotten that message.

Needless to say, I got out of the conversation quickly and I doubt I’ll be hearing from him again. Fine by me. I can acknowledge when someone is not into me and I’m a firm believer in listening to the advice in “He’s Just Not That Into You” (Yes, I’m a big supporter of this book – because all of this advice has proven to be true!) And a guy who can’t even come up with some kind of creative excuse as for why he hasn’t called or doesn’t have the kahonas to even respond to my phone calls or texts, is not even worth the fling.

Adios T…..on to the next….sigh.

25
Jan
10

The Buried Life

I have never really given much thought to having a formal ‘Bucket List‘ in my life. However, I think everyone has a mental list of things that they’d like to do/experience at some point before they die and for me, going to the Olympics was probably one of the things I’ve had on my unofficial bucket list for as long as I can remember. I’m not sure I even thought I’d get to do it in my own country, and I certainly never dreamed I’d get to participate in the whole thing. It feels great to be able to cross something like this off my ‘unofficial’ list, and now I can’t stop thinking about the things I’m going to want to do next. Again, this is where being single certainly has its advantages – I’m free to explore and act on my bucket list with no one holding me back…

MTV has recently started airing a show called “The Buried Life“, about four university guys who have set out to complete their bucket list of 100 items. For every item they cross of their list, they help a stranger cross something off their list as well. If you haven’t seen this show, and even if you wouldn’t include yourself among the ‘MTV generation’, I seriously recommend checking it out (you can watch the episodes commercial free online – note: this links to MTV Canada). I find it completely inspiring, and it has certainly got me thinking about creating my own official list now that I’ve actually been able to cross something off it. And although going to the Olympics is not that much of an unattainable goal, the sheer happiness of having done something on my list is momentum enough to keep going. As one of the guys says in the first episode: “Get busy livin’, or get busy dyin’!”

I looked up why these guys wanted to call their show “The Buried Life” – turns out, it’s because of a poem by the famous poet and critic Matthew Arnold, who I actually spent some time studying in university:

But often, in the world’s most crowded streets,
But often, in the din of strife,
There rises an unspeakable desire
After the knowledge of our buried life;
A thirst to spend our fire and restless force
In tracking out our true, original course…

Wise words indeed….

20
Jan
10

Insanity

The other day my brother and I were having a random conversation about some stuff and he came out with these wise words of wisdom: “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

Of course these weren’t my brother’s words of wisdom, they were Albert Einstein’s. But I thought to myself – how true. For me, this quote applies specifically to my addiction (dare I say, recovering addiction?) with X, and I’m sure that many of you out there can relate this to past relationships you’ve had as well; hoping and hoping that things will change, determined that he IS this great guy underneath, and that eventually he’ll see the light and realize how lucky he is to have you (whether it’s as a girlfriend, or in my case, as a friend). But no matter what we do, he won’t change. And I’ve finally learned that. I’ve stopped expecting X to behave any differently than he has in the past – why would he? I would keep doing the same things expecting him to react differently – but his reactions and responses never changed. Insanity I tell ya!

And now, I don’t really care about his reactions and responses because per Albert Einstein’s advice, I finally changed what I was doing when it comes to X. What have I been doing? Absolutely NOTHING. No phone calls. No emails. No texts. No visits. And this sanity feels pretty darn good…

23
Aug
09

So, last night…

TimeTravellersWife…I took myself on a date to the movies. My friends had already seen the movie I wanted to see, and I couldn’t for the life of me get a hold of someone who didn’t already have plans for a Saturday night so I figured…what the heck. Going to the movies by yourself can be quite liberating (albeit I don’t recommend going to a romantic movie alone on a Saturday night like I did), but the trick is to get there right when the movie starts. That way, it’s dark, and you don’t feel like people are staring at you wondering why you’re at the movies alone.

On that note, I’m sorry to hear these words come out of my mouth but – don’t see the Time Traveler’s Wife. But most DEFINITELY read the book. It’s exceptional. If you see the movie, you won’t want to read the book, and then you’ll really be missing out. It’s great writing, romance and suspense at it’s finest, but the movie did not translate well to the screen at all (even though I LOVE Rachel McAdams and Eric Bana). Hope this saves you some money on a movie ticket.

11
Aug
09

Spin baby, spin!

In the name of posting more often, and about things not always related to singleness, let me  say this…

spin_classI’ve becoming addicted to spin class.

Let me start by saying that never in a billion years did I think that I would ever be someone who enjoys going to the gym. I was never athletic as a child; never played sports or got involved in teams. Got teased in gym class and was a total music geek at school. To this day, I’m sure this has significantly contributed to my low self-esteem, which in turn – has contributed to my feelings about being single and what it means. After I started to believe that I wasn’t athletic, I never wanted to try anything even remotely physical for fear of embarrassment. Needless to say, going to the gym was never a top priority on my list – I was convinced that everyone would just look at me like I didn’t belong there.

About 2 and a half years ago, my Mom decided to join the gym Curves. I had just left home, and she convinced me that a) not only should I be doing something physical to stay healthy and in shape, but b) it would be a good opportunity for us to meet up a few times a week. I started going about three times a week, and really enjoyed it. I felt better that I was doing something to stay healthy, and it was the most non-intimidating gym experience ever – all women, and most were about 40+. But, after about 2 years, I felt like I wasn’t getting much out of it, and the circuit was starting to get boring. I was TERRIFIED to join a regular gym, with crazy, in-shape people. But when I weighed the options (ex. the membership was significantly less with the corporate discount they offered, and it’s literally just down the street) I decided to just bit the bullet and do it.

Now – I love it.

Don’t get me wrong – I was NOT in good shape, and am still not really in good shape (I’ve been a member for about 6 weeks). But I feel SO GOOD when I come out! I love to sweat, and I can do whatever I want – classes, machines, weights  – my friend A. has been a big help in showing me some exercises that I can do to target certain areas. It’s key to do this or get a personal trainer if you want to get the most out of a membership.

I was completely convinced I would never try spinning/cycle – I’ve seen it on TV and movies, and it scared the crap out of me. People racing on stationary bikes, instructors yelling and screaming – not for me. However, my Mom and I bit the bullet and tried a beginner spin class one night – and I’ve been hooked every since. Turns out, it’s not that I’m not athletic at all! Sports was just never my thing. I’ve discovered that I love being pushed, I love sweating my face off – and the instructor is awesome and NOT scary. She makes the class fun, engaging and given that she’s not your typical ‘gym bunny’ instructor, it’s much less intimidating. And no, I can’t do everything that everyone else in the class does. Sometimes, I can’t do the full resistance and I can’t do all the reps – I have to take breaks or slow down now and then. But – I can always do more than I think I can, and that’s been a really pleasant surprise…

All this to say that going to the gym regularly has really helped me in the whole ‘concentrating on myself’ thing. I feel great when I get out of class, and find that it’s helping to very slowly, slowly increase my confidence and the way I feel about myself. It’s also given me something else to focus on, and a good way to spend my alone time instead of lamenting about my lonely, single life. Here’s hoping that I can continue to focus on me for awhile – as much as I love spin now, it’s really only been 6 weeks – totally possible this is just a honeymoon phase, but I’ll keep you posted.

I guess the moral of this post is step outside your comfort zone. Do something that you might not think you like. Focus on yourself for awhile. You might be surprised at the results…

14
Jul
09

Before You Get Married

A “Facebook friend” (because let’s face it…we’re not “friends” with everyone on our Facebook list) posted the link to this article, and I thought it was so good that it warranted it’s own post. I’m about halfway through the list – how about you? Enjoy!

20 Things Every Woman Should Do Before She Gets Married

10
Jul
09

Is he, or isn’t he?

I have to tell you. From the moment I heard Greg Behrendt speak on Oprah about his book “He’s Just Not That Into You” – I was a total believer. I had been in many of the situations that he spoke about, and I was just like the girls in the book: analyzing every word of every conversation some guy ever spoke to me, and trying to figure out what it all meant. For all the time I spent trying to convince myself that these guys really were “that into me”, I’m surprised that I had never grasped the concept before – that if he really cared, he would make it clear. Needless to say, I bought the book and have been a true believer in this concept every since…until now.

oprahHaving said that, it’s one thing to believe it and an entirely different thing to live it. I think the reason why women continue to over-analyze is because we know we’re not getting the answer we want. We want to think of every single scenario, other than the fact that the guy we like, might not like us too. And I’ve been there, many times….

But – here’s my beef.

I have rarely known guys who are that early in the game (and it IS a game) – to mean what they say, and say what they mean.

I have met guys who I was 100% sure were into me. And next thing you know, I find myself questioning how I could have possibly misread the “signs” – and then I’m questioning every single guy from here on out, thinking that no guy could possibly be into me, because I was 100% sure then, so how can I be 100% sure now? How do you know whether or not a guy is being truthful? Whether or not he’s just “taking you on” as a challenge? Or, just looking for a warm body to keep from being lonely (I DO believe that guys get lonely too), or he’s playing the field with you and several others? He could be giving you all the signs and saying all the things that don’t even make you think to question whether or not he’s into you. He clearly is. But then – he drops off the face of the earth, or accuses you of making “unfair” assumptions about the state of your relationship. And is that really fair?? How are you ever really supposed to know?

This entire post stems from the recent experience of my friend JD. Long story short:

  • Friendship/on-going fling with guy a few years back
  • Runs into guy, now with LIVE-IN GIRLFRIEND, recently on business trip
  • Guy sends text message to JD, at her hotel, night of business function with suggestive implications
  • Guy contacts JD when back in the country about professional opportunity
  • JD helps Guy
  • Guy declines opportunity, but writes very suggestive email about how much he was looking forward to the opportunity to spend more time with her, and how disappointed he is that they’re not going to get to see each other on a regular basis (might sound harmless, but the tone was unquestioningly suggestive and inappropriate for a guy with a live-in girlfriend).

I told JD that she should just write back and ask: “What is that supposed to mean?” But, we all know exactly what would have happened. Although Guy was making unquestionably suggestive comments with inappropriate undertones, he would have turned it back on JD with “What did what mean?” “It didn’t “mean” anything, you’re just overanalyzing….” He knew exactly what he was doing though – he was being safe by not being explicit about what it was that he truly wanted, but knew that he had an out if she questioned him.

UGH!! I was so angry when she told me that story! I hate it that guys know exactly what they’re doing when they write a message like that – they know exactly what they want, and they know exactly how we’ll take it. And yet – they leave themselves an out in case it doesn’t work out their way, and that “out” always ends up making the girl look like she’s being a demanding and clingy. So even if you were to flat-out, straight-up call him out on his motives, you’re still in the same boat trying to figure out whether or not you misread the “signs.” (Greg Behrendt argues that there are no ‘signs’). And before people start writing angry comments – yes – I know there are women who are just as manipulative, but this is a single girl blog…I’m just talking about my experiences with men (or should I say boys…).

So – the debate rages on. Is he into you, or isn’t he? And will we ever know…




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