Sometimes, the littlest or most random thing will make the loneliness of being single so painful, it’s almost unbearable. As ‘dramatic’ as that may sound, I know that I can’t be alone in this.
I believe there’s a huge difference between being alone and being lonely. I LOVE being alone actually (most of the time). Sometimes, I can’t wait for my roommate to go home on the weekends so that I can have the place to myself. And for all the times that I wish I had someone to come home to and tell about my day, I probably enjoy coming home to an empty place even more. But – it doesn’t mean I’m not lonely.
The other night I went to the movies with B and C. They went in to get seats while I got in line for some popcorn. As they turned to walk into the theatre, C grabbed B’s hand; a tiny little gesture that was pretty insignificant. Aside from the fact that B & C are almost never affectionate with other, for some reason, this particular scene triggered something that made me stop – and stare at them from a distance as they headed away from me. In that moment, the longing to have someone just hold my hand was so overwhelming, I almost burst into tears right there in the concession line. The pain of loneliness was so palpable at that moment, triggered by something that is so natural and “everyday” for so many people.
I can’t even remember the last time I felt that kind of intimate affection from someone; a kiss, holding hands, cuddling, a deep hug, sex (I don’t even want to admit how long THAT’S been), a hand on my cheek, the small of my back, or my knee – the craving to feel someone touch me with gentleness and affection is killing me. And more than that, the fear and uncertainty of how much longer I will have to go without it is too much for my mind, and my heart, to take.