Posts Tagged ‘Being Single

22
Feb
11

I have no title for this post…..kind of at a loss for words.

I knew the day was going to come eventually, but I’m not sure I knew how soon it would come or how I would feel when it did. But, it came nonetheless and now I have to face it.

X is getting married.

Yep.

As in, engaged, proposed to, having a wedding.

After all of the intense and complicated feelings I’ve been working really hard to deal with over the past few years when it comes to X, I truly didn’t know how’d I’d react when this reality came to fruition (as I knew it would). He’s been dating someone for about a year and a half, and while I sincerely questioned the seriousness of their relationship initially (no one around him, nor myself, ever thought this could possibly go anywhere), I also remember the day that I thought to myself: “This is different.” I could feel it. I knew that he was more serious about her than anyone thought. Maybe it’s because I could see how he was different with her than he was with me. But even so, there was a big part of me that was in denial about it. His family doesn’t like her. His friends don’t like her. And X never struck me as the kind of person that would settle down with someone that the people close to him didn’t really warm to. Turns out, not the case.

All this being said, my relationship with X has changed drastically over the last year and a half – for the better. And I think it’s because the change in our relationship actually become the LACK of one, and that has been better for me than I could have expected years ago. I NEVER thought I’d get to the point where I didn’t want X in my life. Never in a million years. But after a lot of work on myself, and a lot of soul-searching – I DID finally get there. Quite frankly, the scale tipped almost too much the other way; I’d give anything to just have X out of the picture, non-existant. But, it will never be the reality. As long as I’m friends with B&C, and as long as Mr. C is such an important part of both of our lives – he’s going to be there, and so will she. *(Recap: B is X’s sister. Her and her hubby C are two of my closest friends. Mr. C is their 8-month old and current love of my life).

X called to tell me the news himself. As soon as he said he had news he wanted me to hear straight from him, I knew what it was. I also knew it was coming. I told a few friends about two weeks prior that I could just……feel it. That it was coming (Pisces intuition maybe). It didn’t make me any more prepared for the news though, and it didn’t make it any less difficult. I appreciate that X called to tell me himself. I think he knew it would be difficult for me as he had a hard time getting the right words out. I didn’t let on that I was emotional – probably the best acting job of my life. But his phone call somewhat re-instilled the belief I’d lost, that he DID love and care about me at one point.

As I’ve tried to clarify on this blog many times before, these feelings don’t stem from X himself. I’d never get back together with him in a million years. Instead, these mixed emotions stem from everything X ever represented for me; the only person who, to this day, has ever loved and cared about me in that way. Given how completely and utterly disenchanted and hopeless I feel about ever finding somebody, this felt like kind of a nail in the coffin. It almost feels like this is fulfilling the belief I have that finding love is going to happen to everyone around me, except me. I’m sure there’s more to it as well. The intensity of my feelings regarding this news seem too heightened to not have more going on behind the scenes…..I’m still working on figuring that out though.

On top of it all, I have a tremendous amount of guilt. If I’m being totally honest, I relish the fact that no one in X’s life approves of this relationship or thinks he’s making a good decision. And the more I hear it, the more satisfied I feel. I know it’s only human nature to feel that way about an X (I guess); who doesn’t want to be the person that everyone measures her against? But, it makes me feel like a horrible human being.

I called C in an emotional mess when I found out. All I kept thinking was “How am I going to get though this?” “When is it ever going to stop?” Thank God for best friends. I always find myself questioning what I would do without C., and in this situation, she stepped up to the plate. What more can I say except that the next year will be a tough road, and I’m not sure how I’d get through it without a friend like C (and my Mom). For now, one day at a time….

After a day or two of wallowing in self-mourning, I started to feel better. That part of me that remembers why I don’t WANT to be with X started to take over again. I found myself handling the situation much better than I thought I would (first two days excluded of course). Funnily enough, I also feel a very tiny sense of relief. That maybe this will force some closure that’s been a really long time coming. I’d like to believe it’s not because I’m in denial (not sure yet…..) but it’s been less painful to think about and I’ve been able to hear about some of the details without freaking out or getting emotional. B&C will be in the wedding party so there’s no way I’ll be able to avoid details. It is a bit like a bad train wreck though; I want to know all the details while at the same time, not knowing any at all. Not sure how that’s going to go…..so far, hearing the details of certain things has not been as terrible as anticipated (I reiterate…..so far). That being said, the emotions come and go in waves – as intense and unpredictable as the waves of a tsunami.

Time will tell what happens when I see X. A hug and congratulations will be obligatory. And provided I can keep myself together emotionally (using those acting skills again….), I think it will be OK and probably the hardest part of the whole thing.

The question remains of whether or not I will be invited to the wedding. X and I were very close friends and have a history that is much longer than the time we were a couple. At the same time, we’ve distanced ourselves enough in the last year or so that it’s possible he won’t. That same history has been what’s separated us, and maybe for the better. I’ll cross that bridge if we come to it.

So, a lengthy, emotional update from my side. Guess I had more words than I thought……

31
Dec
10

A New Year’s Eve note to all my Single readers….

What some of you non-blog writers might not know, is that WordPress provides stats on the number of blog views and referring sites or search terms – how people find our blog or a specific post.

After my post about New Year’s Eve yesterday, I noticed a few search terms that led to/referred my blog. They were:

“I hate New Year”

“going out on nye with all couples and being single”

“‘new year’s eve’ ‘three couples’ ‘lonely'”

“single and alone on NY”

Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I am NOT the only single person struggling with being alone/lonely on  New Year’s Eve. (Duh).

I may not have a lot of single friends, and especially not ones that struggle emotionally with being single the way that I do. But, it doesn’t mean that there aren’t thousands of millions of strangers out there who know exactly what I’m feeling. And some of them are you, readers.

So you know what? When the clock strikes midnight, I will be thinking about all of you out there; our ‘single society’ of people who are not really alone – because we’re all together in that too.

So, thanks for coming along on this journey with me and for reading. Happy New Year…..here’s to YOU 🙂

30
Dec
10

Holiday Shmoliday

Sigh. The most dreaded holiday for all singleton’s is upon us. New Year’s.

I’ve never been a big fan of New Year’s even when I wasn’t single. It’s ALWAYS way too much hype and expectation; so much time thinking about what plans should be, where to go, what to do. I bring it on myself I guess, since I go through the same struggle year after year: do I do the annual house party at B&C’s with my bestest friends, yet all the same couples that we see year after year? Or, try something different and more my age with my VERY limited selection of single friends (2 to be exact).

I was feeling a little bit of guilt this year because I have skipped B&C’s party the last two years – not to mention the fact that there’s part of me that, of course, wants to spend NYE with my group of best friends. But, for whatever reason – my anxiety level goes sky high when I go to that party. This year will probably be 10 times better because X won’t be there, but at the same time, being there with 8-10 other couples is not a great way for an emotionally-messed up single person to start off the New Year. Already, my anxiety has been building about it all week….

I briefly explained to B&C (with few details) about why I find NYE at their place so hard – it’s not only because of the number of couples there, but also because every NYE, I wonder what events will transpire over the next year. And every year for as long as I can remember, there’s always that glimmer of hope that next NYE – I won’t be at the party alone. And that glimmer of hope has NEVER materialized. So every time I go there and relive the same party, with the same people, year after year – I don’t feel like much like celebrating because it feels like nothing has, or ever will change. And then I just become a downer and don’t have a good time. At least when I do something new and/or different (especially with some young, single people), I can forget about it for awhile and it doesn’t feel so much like New Year’s….it’s more of a fresh start. Maybe this is more my rambling than making sense, but it’s the only way I can explain it.

Another contributing factor to my anxiety right now, is that I’m feeling really anxious about the New Year – I think it will be one of the most challenging years for me. I have taken on an additional job teaching, which terrifies me to my very core. I question my decision to do it every day not only because it’s new, but because of the workload. I will have a new boss starting in March – someone whose working style I don’t respect and someone who I’m not a huge fan of personally. I’m going in with an open mind, but it will be a challenge. And, my roommate of three years is graduating and leaving me this year. Despite the minor annoyances, she’s been a great roommate and I’m struggling with whether or not to go it on my own financially, or risk having another roommate who ends up being a nightmare. Additionally, another couple in our friend group is having a baby. I worry about what this event will do in terms of changing my friendships with the people who are closest to me. The dynamics in our group will change dramatically, now that half the couples have children and I fear that I’ll only start to feel older than I already do.

Lastly, my little brother is getting married. It’s probably one of the most emotional challenges I’ll face this year. Not only because it’s difficult to be the older, single sister, but because it denotes a significant life change for both of us; where there’s now a fork in the road and he’s starting down a completely different path than me. A grown-up one 🙂 Adjusting to the way our relationship will change and getting used to the idea of him having a ‘separate’ life apart from our family, is a tough thought to grasp. Luckily, I am gaining a remarkable sister-in-law who has become an awesome addition to our family – I couldn’t have asked for someone more perfect for my brother and I am convinced there’s not another soul in this world who could make him any happier. Nonetheless, getting my head around this idea will be a tough, emotional challenge this year…..

Wow – writing that all out has upped my anxiety level about New Year’s 10 fold! LOL.

On a happier note (since this seems to have become kind of a ‘downer’ post), I went back and re-read my resolutions from last year. Surprisingly, I’m happy to report that I did very well with almost all of them. Some are goals that I have to keep working at – but the most critical ones (healing my issues with X, increasing my gym time, and making more of my own decisions) – I would argue I’ve been pretty successful at.

Not quite sure yet what my resolutions are for this year. But I can tell you that after writing out all the challenges I’m getting ready to face, getting through this year emotionally unscathed is probably at the top of my list!

26
Nov
10

I’m still here…

Long time no see readers….(If there are indeed some of you still out there)…..

I’m not sure I can explain why I stopped writing several months ago. It’s true that the past couple of months have been particularly busy. And at the same time, all but DEAD in the dating department (so blame it on lack of material). But additionally, out of the blue I also started to realize how vulnerable I feel putting all my feelings about being single ‘out there’; into the void. And I got nervous about who was reading. Ultimately, I try and keep this blog anonymous but have, of course, shared it with a few close people. Sometimes remembering that makes me hesitant about being truly open and honest in this space, and I also worry about my thoughts getting out there to those from whom I’d rather keep these feelings private.

But on the other side, I miss writing. I miss the kind and positive comments that perfect strangers would write, telling me how much they relate. And I miss having a place to put all those feelings that I don’t know what else to do with….even if I’m complaining about the same things over and over and over again. And although I wish I could say I stopped writing because I found some great guy and am deliriously happy, I can’t. But as I continue on this sometimes painful journey, I’m going to shoe away those feelings of anxiousness and vulnerability, and continue to share with all of you.

So – be patient with me as I ease back in….we have lots to catch up on 🙂

18
Mar
10

All it takes is a boost…

I’m back!

My Olympic adventure was incredible. But, I spent so much time blogging about it that I needed a blogging “break” when I came home. I’ve spent the last week settling back in, and getting used to regular routine again. Being away for four weeks and having this experience was awesome, to say the least – and it has been difficult adjusting to ‘normal life’ after such a high.

However, my experience in Vancouver was not without it’s “single girl stories”….

You may remember from one of my past posts that a psychic told my Mom that I was destined to meet a guy in February 2010. That premonition came true, but not in the way that I had anticipated. My first day of work, I met L.; a 42-year old French-Canadian from Montreal. We hit it off from the get-go, spending most of our shifts cracking each other up, sharing stories and enjoying the awesome cocktails and cuisine of Vancouver with fellow volunteers after our shifts. I felt more comfortable with L. than I have felt with another guy in years, and we developed a great friendship. On his last night in Vancouver, L. treated me to a great ‘date’ night: we went to a fancy Italian restaurant, ordered champagne and wine, and topped the evening off at a piano bar (and more champagne). The french-gentleman that he is, L. wined and dined me that evening (the french do this VERY well!), and I didn’t really realize until then how much I enjoyed that kind of attention! Maybe because it was without pretense or the intention of ‘showing-off’ – but it was really nice to be treated like a lady for one evening. Despite our age difference (and the fact that Luc has a live-in girlfriend), we became very close friends, and he’s someone that I’m sure I’ll keep in touch with. Above all else, I truly believe that I was meant to meet L. during this experience. My relationship with him showed me that there ARE great guys out there who I can get along with, feel comfortable with, and who like me “just the way I am” (to quote from one of my favourite movies, Bridget Jones’ Diary). Not to mention the fact that I was shown that chivalry is not dead, and it doesn’t make me a ‘needy’ girl if I like to be spoiled every now and then.

Fresh off my ‘romantic’ (if you would call it that) evening with L., I did something that I have never done before. While out for dinner with my 50-something year old aunt, and our 70-something year old cousins (who hosted us while in Vancouver), we were waited on by a very cute, very nice, very sweet waiter. We chatted quite a bit with him in between courses and from the little we found it about him, it seemed we had a lot in common. It wasn’t long before my dining companions were pushing me to give him my phone number/business card; and pushing, and pushing (at my resistance, because I am WAY to shy for stuff like that). Well, after a few glasses of wine and my aunt threatening to give him my number anyway – I ACTUALLY did it myself! I left the restaurant with no regrets, and feeling kind of indifferent about whether or not he contacted me or not – I was just really proud of myself for taking that step because at the ripe old age of 28, I can honestly say that I don’t think I’ve ever volunteered my number to a guy.

The next day was the gold medal game and while I awoke with a renewed boost of confidence, I had completely forgotten about the events at the restaurant the night before; my efforts were focused on finding the best place to watch the game! Imagine my surprise when I started receiving text messages from a Vancouver number that I didn’t recognize. After responding once, I simply stopped, convinced that this mystery texter had the wrong number. It was until later that afternoon when I was on my way back to the house for dinner that it donned on me – the mystery texter was my waiter from the night before! Well, once I realized that and finally responded, we ended up corresponding for about an hour or so, and again in the morning on my way to the airport (yes – I met him on my second-last night in Vancouver). After telling him that I was turning my cell phone off during my vacay week in Hawaii, I honestly expected never to hear from him again – after all, we pretty much live on opposite sides of the country. So, I was pretty shocked after opening my phone five days later to find a very sweet text, inquiring as to how I was enjoying Hawaii and joking at the fact that I had obviously cracked on my ‘no cell phone rule.’ Now – this is not par-for-the -course for me based on my previous dating experience; I don’t remember the last time that I was ever pursued by someone I liked so receiving this text was a huge confidence booster. And it felt nice to know that someone was actually thinking about me!

Upon my return home, I contacted “Waiter” and we texted back and forth for awhile. Until – he asked that critical question: “Do you have a boyfriend?” This is it, I thought. I’m not making it up. It’s not in my head. Distance aside – he’s interested. He’s actually interested – in ME! With that in my head, yet not knowing what his intentions were behind the question, I answered: “Nope. You?” To which HE replies. “Yep. Have a girlfriend.” Uhhh…..say what now?

Well, needless to say I shut-down that conversation pretty quick and haven’t looked back. And despite my mild disappointment with the situation (really, we barely had 10 minutes total of ACTUAL conversation), it was another confidence booster and I see it as simply another example of something that was just meant to happen to me. The fact that I even GAVE someone my number was a big step for me, and now I know I can do it – and it really wasn’t that big of a deal. So what if some stranger doesn’t call me? I’m out nothing but a little hurt pride. Lack of confidence, especially when it comes to guys, is something I have always struggled with and I definitely feel like it’s been holding me back. So, between my experiences with L. and Waiter, I’m feeling a wee boost in my confidence and hoping it will stick.

15
Feb
10

Happy Belated Love Day

I have not forgotten about you readers! But I have been incredibly busy enjoying this wild and crazy Olympic adventure. Highlights to date? Monitoring a section of dignitaries and yesterday’s figure skating event, which included Joe Biden, former Prime Minister Jean Chretien, and the ISU and IOC dignitaries. Quite an experience!

Living the Olympics in my home country has been so amazing and rewarding. The Canadian pride and spirit is everywhere, and I have met some of the most wonderful people. Most of the great conversations have happened with perfect strangers, as we’ve just struck up a conversation on the bus or sky train about how we’ve been spending our time in Vancouver, what events we’ve been to etc, etc. The people in this city are beyond friendly and warm, and everyone is feeling that Canadian, Olympic spirit.

I have spend the last two Valentine’s Days with G&W and B&C – last year the five of us were downing pina coladas in Miami! This Valentine’s Day, I met up with two fellow volunteers and my aunt, and we celebrated Canada’s first gold medal at a small restaurant/bar near the Waterfront in Vancouver. A few champagne cocktails and a piece of chocolate mousse cake later, and we were feeling the love for sure! My volunteer friend, L. even picked up the tab as a little Valentine for us three ladies 🙂 It was nice to have a Valentine’s Day where I did not think about being single even for a second….I was just having too much fun!

I hope that you were able to spend Valentine’s Day with someone you love or care about, or that maybe you didn’t ‘celebrate’ it at all! Either way, I’m sending you Olympic love from Vancouver, Canada!

A rare, sunny Valentine's Day in Vancouver! View of BC Place from the Sky Train on my way to work

03
Feb
10

Single Life

Dear blog,

I hope you are not feeling neglected. I have been negligent in fulfilling my New Year’s resolution to write to you more; I have been busy preparing for my Olympic adventure! Please forgive me. I may be taking a blog-hiatus for a few weeks while I live out my bucket list!

There, now that that’s out of the way….

Although I spend a lot of time on this blog venting about all the things that suck about being single (and there is a lot of material on that!) I do, every now and then, try to focus on the advantages that come with this way of life as well. I was recently reminded of one such advantage, when I spontaneously decided to tack on an extra week to my Olympic adventure, and spend some time visiting a friend of mine in Hawaii. Vancouver is already half-way there, and so I figured – why not? I have the means, I have the vacation time, and I have the desire to do it (really, who doesn’t have the desire to go to Hawaii). Sure, there were plenty of reasons I shouldn’t – can I afford to take three more days off work after already taking three weeks? Is there other things that I should be spending/saving my money for? (Even though I got a very good deal on the flight and it was cheap relatively speaking, it still set me back a bit). And logistically, can I pack for three weeks in Vancouver followed by a week in the tropics?

But in taking a page from The Buried Life – who knows where we’ll be tomorrow? Sure I might be able to go to Hawaii another time, but maybe not. So when these kinds of opportunities present themselves, I’m learning that sometimes it’s best to throw caution to the wind a little bit, and just go for it. That’s not to say I agree with spending money frivolously or doing things without considering the consequences, but spontaneity is the spice of life! And I never want to look back and think “What if?” I doubt I’ll get back from Hawaii and wish that I hadn’t decided to spend a relaxing week on the beach. One of my favourite lines from RENT goes: “Forget regret, or life is yours to miss. No day but today.”

Of course, being single makes ‘being spontaneous’ a bit easier to execute. No other person’s plans to consider, and no finances to worry about but your own. At the same time, sometimes I find myself questioning whether or not many of the assumptions I made about my life when I was younger, will actually come to fruition – so I feel this need to sometimes act impulsively, for fear that I might lose opportunities and experiences that in the past, I’d foreseen happening under different circumstances. Many of my friends are in the marriage/house-buying/baby-making stage, and travel is a rather low priority at this point in their lives. So, who knows how long I’d have to wait before someone wanted/was willing/was able to take a trip like this with me? I never used to be a spontaneous person, but in the last few years, I’ve started looking at life a bit differently….

I truly believe that the only things certain in life are death and taxes; no point waiting for something that might never happen. “Get busy living, or get busy dying” – as ‘they’ say. And, travel is something that is really important to me; whether it’s a weekend away to someplace I’ve never been to or an overseas trip abroad, I think it’s really important to see life beyond the ‘bubble’ that we live in each day (I have my Contiki experience to thank for that outlook). It’s a big priority for me while I’m still living the single life – I have plenty of time for all the other grown-up stuff. And because I’ve already filled this post with philosophical quotes about life, here’s another one I love: “The world is a book. Those who do not travel, read only a page.”

So, I leave you with the wisest quote of all: Just do it.




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