Posts Tagged ‘bitter

15
Dec
09

Merry Christmas Charlie Brown

I’m sitting here on the couch watching A Charlie Brown Christmas on TV – an old, childhood favourite. Suddenly, it donned on me. I AM CHARLIE BROWN.

Charlie Brown: I think there must be something wrong with me, Linus. Christmas is coming, but I’m not happy. I don’t feel the way I’m supposed to feel. I just don’t understand Christmas, I guess. I like getting presents and sending Christmas cards and decorating trees and all that, but I’m still not happy. I always end up feeling depressed.

Linus: Charlie Brown, you’re the only person I know who can take a wonderful season like Christmas and turn it into a problem.

AMAZING how a cartoon character can summarize exactly what I’m feeling at this exact point in time. Thank you Charles Schulz.

Christmas is tough when you’re single. There’s just no getting around it, really. I used to really love Christmas. I was one of those ‘annoying’ people who played Christmas carols 24/7, couldn’t wait to decorate, and would start the Christmas countdown in November. As I’ve gotten older, the holiday build-up and excitement has slowly started to wain, and now I just find the whole thing too emotionally draining. I can’t blame it on the singleness alone – I think that as we get older, that whole ‘magic’ of Christmas tends to fade a bit, but being lonely certainly doesn’t help. And I am lonely.

Here’s a question. Why are the most emotionally difficult holidays all grouped together? Christmas, New Year’s, Valentine’s Day, and for me, my birthday. BRUTAL. When you’re single, you can’t not feel alone when everyone around you is happily in love and enjoying the holidays with significant others. I even find it difficult to enjoy time with family over the holidays because I am now the only grandchild on both sides of my family who is STILL single (with lots of cousins). I HATE that this is what I inevitably end up focusing on this time of year, but it’s like everything I do and everywhere I go, I’m reminded of the fact that I’m alone. I’m lucky to have friends and family, and I know many people don’t. But at the same time, I find it so easy to feel lonely in a crowded room these days…

Do any of you single folks out there agree with me that the regularity of the holidays is part of what makes it so hard year, after year? Each of these holi-days is an anniversary of the ones before. So inevitably, I find myself thinking about where I’m going to be at this time next year, and where I was at this time last year – and year, after year I find myself hoping that 365 days from now, I will have someone special in my life to share the holidays with. Six years running, I have been disappointed. I find it hard to stay positive…

Keeping me going are my plans for New Year’s. Although my European trip fell through (VERY long story that ended in a canceled flight with a $450 cancellation fee), my friend JD and I decided to stay a little closer to home and booked a 3-day trip to Quebec City; the “Europe” of Canada 🙂 I am torn about missing the annual party at B&C’s as I missed it last year as well. But, I’m not emotionally strong enough to handle it at this point in time and as much as I will miss the party and all my friends there, I’m looking forward to celebrating New Year’s with a great friend.

Despite this ‘pity party’ post (and I realize it IS just that, but that’s why I created this blog for ME), I am going to do my very best to work on keeping myself happy this holiday season, as was reminded by my fellow blogger Mel. In the mean time, I’ll leave you with this little thought from my Charlie Brown friend, Linus:

“I never thought it was such a bad little tree. It’s not bad at all, really. Maybe it just needs a little love.”

22
Aug
09

Don’t Stop Believin’…? Really?

Last night I went out with a group of friends, including a friend of B&C’s who I’ve gotten to know over the last few years. CS has either been single, or in a relationship with her off/on boyfriend for as long as I’ve known her. The last few years – she’s been mostly single. I loved when she would come out with the group of us because not only was she another single person, but she’s super outgoing and lots of fun.

About a year ago, CS met D. They had both went to the same high school at the same time, but didn’t really know each other. Well, years later, they ran into each other at a bar here in town, and started dating. Recently, they got engaged. Last night, CS was asking me about my dating life and how things were going. I told her that I was on a break from dating and ready to give up on the whole thing. She told me that she knew exactly how I felt, because she had been there only a year ago. But she said, “I am honestly so lucky to have met D., and I never in a million years imagined that I could be this happy. If someone had told me 5 years ago that I was going to meet “the one”  and here’s when, I wouldn’t have spent the last 5 years worrying so much about how I was never going to find someone. You just never know the day it’s going to happen….”

Alright. Fair enough. But here’s my issue with this. I don’t believe that everyone is going to find someone. And to be honest, that worries me, because I don’t want to be one of those people who is alone for the rest of my life. Believe me – I wish I didn’t care whether or not I was going to be one of those people. But the fact is, I do, and I’m terrified. With all the people in the world, and given how hard it’s been to meet someone to-date, it just doesn’t seem feasible or realistic to think that everyone is going to find someone that they want to be with.

Now, I recognize that I’m too young (27) to make a sweeping assumption like that, but at the same time – I haven’t met anyone in the last five years that I’ve even wanted to date/have a relationship with. I mean – how hard is it to meet someone that you could maybe learn to like?? No one around me seems to be having this problem. Sure – I have 2 single friends, but both have had at least some resemblance of a relationship within the last few years, and I have not even felt like I’ve met someone I’ve wanted to have a relationship with. (This make me sounds incredibly picky, but I’m confident my expectations are reasonable). Everyone I know keeps telling me that it’s going to happen for me, that I just have to be patient. But how do they know? They’re not looking into any crystal balls. And they’re not the ones who experience this excrutiating loneliness on a daily basis, with the overwhelming fear that it could turn into a never-ending condition.

So, is it more dangerous to continue believing and have false hope in something that’s not in the cards for you, just to be disappointed and angry later? Or is it best to have low expectations now, so that you’re pleasantly surprised? Who really knows…

26
Jul
09

Blame it on the Ex

broken heartWhy are relationships with ex’s so complicated?

That might just be one of the most loaded questions of the century, and I know many a person (male AND female) have spent years, and years trying to figure it out.

My first break-up with X was, to this day, the most painful experience of my life. I can literally and physically remember feeling that I might actually die from it – I sunk into a deep hole, and didn’t think I’d ever find my way out. The only thing that kept me going was my Mom’s constant reminder that “No-one has ever died from a broken heart.” And even still, I wanted to tell her that I was going to be the first. But I can remember thinking that even through all of that – I never once, ever regretted my relationship with X, and that given the choice, I would not have gone back and changed a thing. We had some great times, I learned a lot, and I got to experience what it was like to love and be loved – and even experience the heart break that came along with it.

Now, six years later – it’s the first time in my life that I look back on it and find myself wishing it never happened. I think it has messed me up. I think it has made me so terrified of getting hurt again. I think that it’s convinced me that X is the only person who will ever feel that way about me, and that to this day, it is what has made my relationship with X so complicated. I think it gave me a taste of what being in love feels like – and how wonderful it (and everything that comes along with it) can be. Once you’ve had a taste of that, how can you not crave more? People who have never experienced something in life, don’t know what they’re missing. So once you do, how do you learn to deal with the pain that comes when it gets taken away? The pain of being alone and not being able to share your life with someone you love SUCKS. And it sucks even more because I remember what it felt like when I had it.

X and I went through (and are still going through) the very complicated process of trying to be friends. Initially, we did it because we still worked together and even though we had broken up, still respected and liked each other. Our friendship has certainly had its ups and downs and it’s been a very complex and complicated path we’ve tried to navigate – but in recent years and months, there’s certainly been more downs than ups. A year and a half ago, X and I had a huge falling out – I didn’t speak to him for six months. Funnily enough, it was the first time that I felt like I actully had to go through a “real” break-up with him, and after about the first two months of not speaking, I started to get used to not having him in my life and not talking to him. It only became difficult because his sister B., and her husband C. are two of my best friends and it put them in an awkard position when X and I were in the same room, or all hanging out together. So – we essentially made-up and became friends again. Worst decision ever. I should have just left things the way they were. My problem with being friends with X is that I expect him to treat me like the rest of my friends do – and he always disappoints. He dosn’t respect me, he doesn’t respect our friendship, and he pretty much jerks me around to do whatever is convenient for him – almost always hurting my feelings in the process. But I let him do it to me – over and over and over again. And I know that if this was a friend of mine on the other end, I’d be telling her to stop wasting her time and letting this guy walk all over her – that she’s better than that and deserves more. And I do. But my ‘relationship’ with X is the closest thing that I have to an addiction. I don’t know how else to describe it. I know it’s bad for me. I know the ‘high’ only lasts temporarily. I know that in the end, I end up feeling worse. I know that I’m smart enough to know what it does to me. But I dial his number, I hit send on emails, and I desperately try to be his friend while he blows me off. And no matter what my friends and family tell me, or what I tell myself – I just can’t give it up. I got over my feelings for X, but I never actually let him go. And I’m afriad that if I do let him go, the only person that has ever grown to love me will be out of my life – and that’s what I’m afraid to give up.

So how do you do it? How do you get over an addiction? I have so much anger towards him. I blame him for the fact that I’m screwed up about guys and relationships and being single. I blame him for the fact that I’ve turned into this desperate woman who is letting a guy walk all over her and take advantage of my friendship. I blame him for the fact that I have become a cyncial person who doesn’t believe there’s someone else who will love me like he did. I even blame him for being in a relationship with me – for giving me a taste of what it feels like and then taking it away. I feel like being angry at him is the only way I’m ever going to be able to let him go. I’ve told myself that I’m done with him and his so called “friendship” so many times – and that every time is the last time. But am I ever going to really be able to do it?? Sometimes it feels hopeless – feels like I’m so used to having this addiction in my life that I don’t remember what it’s like without him. But I have to – I have to, I have to. I can’t be walked over anymore. I can’t be let down anymore. I can’t be friends with someone who isn’t going to be the type of friend to me that I am to them. I have to enter my own form of Ex-Rehab. I’m not sure what that looks like, but I’m pretty sure it starts with no calls and no emails – baby steps.

03
May
09

Single Bitter Female

I’m starting to witness one of my worst fears coming true. Being single for this long is starting to make me bitter and cynical. Nobody wants to be this way of course, and the worst part about it is that who’s going to want to date me if I’m bitter and cynical? But, as time goes on and the loneliness becomes increasingly palpable, it’s hard to keep believing in the whole thing – love, partnership, marriage even…

The more I think about romantic love as a concept, the more I start to think about how impossible and big it really seems for me. My parents have a wonderful marriage, and my friends are marrying, or are married to, some of the best guys that I know. It’s not that I doubt that these are wonderful, and loving relationships. I just have a really hard time wrapping my head around the fact that it will ever happen to me. Your family is born loving you. Your friends grow to love you, and those relationships can last a lifetime. But the thought of someone growing to love me to the extent that he would want to spend every day for the rest of his life with me, just seems kind of unbelieveable. Because I feel this way, I find myself just….wishing that I wasn’t bombarded with”it” all the time. I went to a friend’s wedding shower this weekend, and it was hard. I find that sometimes I’m completely fine, and sometimes, the uncertainty of it all hits me harder than I expect. I found myself holding back tears at some points in the afternoon, as I started thinking: “I don’t think this will ever be me.” I started having a hard time swallowing all the stupid wedding jokes, and the cheesey questions about when ‘she’ knew ‘he’ was the one, and what ‘she’ loves most about ‘him’ etc. I was internally rolling my eyes throughout the whole thing, as we passed the gifts of mixing bowls, place settings and bath towels around. It’s the one thing I hate about not being invovled in a wedding or wedding shower planning – nothing to keep me distracted from my own emotional instability!

I don’t want to be bitter and cynical – I don’t think anyone does. But it gets harder and harder the more I’m surrounded by people who are finding those special people for their lives. I’ve been single for almost FIVE YEARS. People I know have lapped me on relationships more than once over! It’s frustrating when I feel like I’m a good catch, and I know that I could grow to love someone, more than anything – love is all or nothing with me. And yet, I feel like I’ll never get to share that with anyone – and to be honest, some days….it just doesn’t feel fair. So when it doesn’t feel fair, I feel like being bitter and is the only other way for me to deal with it – like it will make me start to convince myself that I DON’T really want to be in some sappy, all-consuming relationship with someone, and then I’ll actually start to believe it. I’m not sure if this is making any sense readers, and I’m suddenly starting to feel really vulnerable having put all this out there.

At the end of the day, I’m lonely and bitter. And I want not to be either.




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