Posts Tagged ‘blind date

28
Mar
09

I’m just not that into you

Yes, I’ve been MIA. To be honest, just haven’t felt like writing lately. I wish I could say it’s because I fell madly in love with S. and have been spending every waking minute with him….

Yeah. That didn’t happen.

Sure, things looked promising after our first date. Although looking back, I think I was more wrapped up in the fact that I went on a blind date with someone who could actually carry a conversation and had something in common with me – my expectations for blind dates have been so low that anything above having to carry a conversation all by myself, started to seem like long-term potential. S. is a very nice guy – and he’s wonderful….for someone else.

I’m starting to understand why men sometimes say that women can be hypocrites. We say we want one thing, and then when we get it, we don’t want it anymore. This is what happened with S. After our first date, S. was clearly very interested in me…he texted me a lot. He emailed a lot. He kept dropping the ‘we’ and talking about things we could do in the summer, down the road etc. What girl doesn’t want a guy who is attentive? Who calls when he says he’s going to? Who thinks about me? Although I found it a little bit much so early, I could see that he was interested and of course, was flattered.

On our second date though – it definitely got to be too much. He was almost a completely different person. Very excited to see me, agreed with everything I said, was proposing things for the future, wanted to hug/touch me a lot, etc, etc. All of this was 100% harmless – I’m making him sound like an obsessed stalker, which he definitely wasn’t. As my friend A. told me, “You don’t want a guy who’s been around the block too much. This is just his ‘lack of game.'” Well – maybe true, but I immediately started pulling away because it was starting to make me very uncomfortable and I was feeling incredible pressure. I was nowhere near that interested in him, and even though he came on strong, I’m not sure that after our second date things would have been any different even if he hadn’t. Our conversation was still a lot of surface talk and felt strained at times. He obviously didn’t think so, and went as far as to propose a day trip for our third date – that was kind of the nail in the coffin for me, and I told him flat out that I thought it was a bit soon for that. I did agree to a third dinner date, where he seemed to back off a bit (I think the was starting to get the hint), but it was too late at this point and I didn’t feel an attraction (or even desire to spend more time with him) whatsoever.

I am  looking for a guy who has his own opinions and own mind, and will take charge once and awhile. This is DEFINITELY not S. Everytime I tried to get him to make a decision about what we should do, where we should go, what movie we should see, where we should go for coffee etc….he always left it up to me. That might be for some people, but it’s not for me. I appreciate he wanted my input, but even when I would put it back on him, he always wanted to do whatever my preference was. As an independent, single women, I make those decisions and take control in every other aspect of my life – all on my own. I guess that’s why I’m looking for someone who will take that over once and awhile…

What sucks about all of this, is that I had told my friends, co-workers (also my friends) and family about this date – it seemed to be the most promising out of all the ones I’d been on. And when things didn’t work out? I felt awful. Because I know that they all care about me, and want me to meet someone great that will make me happy. And everytime I go on a date and it doesn’t work out, I feel like I’m disappointing people.  I hated that I was going to have to go back and tell everyone that once again, I didn’t feel anything for someone. The same ‘he’s good on paper’ line that I have fed to them over, and over, and over. I’m starting to think that they might think I’m crazy. That I’m absolutely incapable of ever feeling that for someone – that I don’t think anyone is ‘good enough’ for me. And the scariest part about that, is that I’m starting to wonder if it’s true. Am I so messed up emotionally and mentally that I subconciously can’t allow myself to go there with anyone? Have I been single for so long, and gotten so used to being on my own that I don’t know how to incorporate someone else into my life? Or don’t…want to? Has my relationship/friendship with X, and my disappointment with my last crush made me completely incapable of trusting that someone might not hurt me? I just feel like I’m never going to have those feelings for anyone else again and it makes me just want to give up and stop trying.

So, I just wasn’t that into him. And although it was weird being on the other side of that equation (and finally ‘getting it’ – that book/movie makes so much more sense now because I was SO the guy in this situation), it’s hard to wonder if I’ll EVER be that into ‘him’….

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16
Mar
09

a note to myself

reminderI am making this very quick note to myself and putting it out in public (so I guess it’s not really to myself….)

I just got off the phone with S. to plan our second date for tomorrow night. I officially have a somewhat excited feeling about it. I’m just documenting this feeling in writing so I can remember it when I start to ‘doubt’ how I feel about the situation or S. The ‘doubt’ being fear of course. Fear of being disappointed, fear of being hurt again, fear of being rejected, fear of falling to hard, fear of HIM falling too hard….and using that as an excuse to convince myself that I don’t like him.

When you have been single for 5 years and have only crushed on unavailable people during that time, you forget what it feels like to like someone, and it starts to be scary when you do (at least for me).  I find myself trying to stop my feelings from going too far by curbing my optimism and excitement. I forget what it feels like to be in a relationship. To crush on someone. Sometimes I feel like I actually forget how to do it!!?? Isn’t that crazy??

Anyway – this excitment tends to be fleeting with me, which again, is why I’m documenting it in this particular moment. Stay tuned.

14
Mar
09

cautious optimism

So I had a date on Thursday night. I hadn’t mentioned it in my blog, because I was sure it would be another disappointment – following the same pattern of other blind dates/guys I had met online.  Imagine my surprise when I actually enjoyed this date! I wouldn’t say the sparks were flying, but there is definitely potential, which is more than I can say for the rest of my dates.

Unlike other guys I had met online, I actually communicated with this guy for about two weeks via email before we decided to meet. Usually, it would be 2-3 emails and then coffee. I think this was a much better way to go, because we got to know a lot more about each other and the more I found out about him, the more I liked him and was curious to meet. It was hard not to get excited about the date, because he sounded fantastic – super nice, lots of questions and we seemed to have a lot in common. But I was worried that what seeemed good ‘on paper’ wouldn’t transate in person. Luckily, it did. We had great conversation, lots to say, lots in common and although the physical attraction wasn’t super strong – I do think he’s cute. To-date, probably the best blind date I’ve been on. We had already planned our second date before we finished our first! And – would you believe that today is my birthday, and S. (my date) was the first one to call me today and wish me a happy birthday? Hmmmm….:)

Now it’s up to me not to get freaked out that this could actually be something – provided that connection/spark starts to grow. Thank goodness I listened to my best friend C. and avoided the Starbucks first date like all of my other blind dates – maybe it made my luck start to turn….I’m cautiously optimistic.

01
Feb
09

Buyer’s Remorse

It’s only been a few days and already, I’m experiencing buyer’s remorse from my eHarmony membership.

You know when you get drunk and end up with a really, really bad hangover? When you have your head in the toilet and you’re repeating to yourself “I’m never drinking alcohol again”, and thinking that you’d give absolutely anything to make your nausea and pounding headache go away? I’m one of those people who actually remembers that feeling. That’s why I rarely get drunk – I know that I’m going to regret it the next day and be wishing I’d never done it.

Well – the same goes for online dating. After giving it a shot for 6 months, I told myself that I wasn’t going through that again. Sorting through all the ‘matches’ (although few of them seem like matches at all), the emailing back and forth with the same questions over and over, the awkward first date with the small talk conversation, and then the awkward ‘do we, or do we not want to see each other again’ half-conversation. And so far, it hasn’t been worth it, and I can’t even say I’ve really learned anything from the experience(s). Last time, I promised myself that I was done with online dating. I know that many people have found it to be fun, and successful – but my instincts just tell me that this is not the way I’m meant to meet someone. Not because I’m ‘above’ online dating, or that I don’t think it works – but I just don’t feel like it’s the right avenue for me.

But – here I am, going through it again. And so far, the matches I’ve been sent (more than a dozen) are not promising and I remember why I promised myself I wasn’t going to do it again. I find myself saying “Well, he doesn’t sound terrible….so I guess so.” Or “I guess he sounds…alright.” Granted it’s only been a few days, but I went through this for six months before and I just feel like I’m settling for meeting guys who are just…’OK’. Not that there seems to be anything… wrong with any of them….but I feel like they’re just not matches for me…Maybe this makes me sound snobby or arrogant (as perhaps “Anona” would agree) but I don’t care…my blog = my thoughts, and that’s just how I feel. My best friend C. reminded me tonight that I should just look at this as something fun, and stop taking it so seriously. Heck, I don’t even have to keep checking my matches if I don’t want to – C. has committed to keeping me tuned to anyone who is not to be missed. So, since I’m paid up for the next three months, I’ll take her up on it and just try to forget about it.

In other news, an emotional blow today in finding out that my ‘last crush’ (as he’s come to be known in this blog) is now engaged. This shook me up, as I was not at all expecting it, having no idea that he was even seeing anyone. We hadn’t had any communication in months, and although we’re connected in several different ways (via work colleagues and our parents) I had no idea he was no longer single. As shocked as I am, I can’t say I’m surprised as I knew someone like him wouldn’t stay single for long – I was surprised he was even single when I met him. In the short time we were seeing each other, I could see what a kind, genuine and sincere guy he was. Ambitious, family-oriented, fun and just enjoyable to be around. I’ve never gone into the details of this crush in my blog because…well..I never felt for anyone the way I felt for him… and I guess I just wanted to keep it for myself. Truth be told, I was convinced that us not being together was purely a timing thing, and that down the road – it was a possibility. I had never fallen so instantly for someone and had it be mutual – the chemistry AND everything else I always new I wanted in someone. Even in my last relationship, I can’t say I was always 100% secure in how X felt about me….but with this one, it was just easy…and natural…and I never doubted he felt it too. Long story short: the timing wasn’t right and the distance between us (geographically) wasn’t allowing it to work. But needless to say, I had fallen hard – and quick. Very unlike me, which is why I think I thought it might have been something more…

In all fairness, C. reminded me that I never really had the chance to get to know all of him – and that by knowing all these wonderful things about him in a short period of time, I never had the opportunity to learn the ‘not-good’ things; the things that obviously meant he wasn’t the one for me. So, I put him up on a pedestal and haven’t looked down since. Now I’m forced to get closure on it…to give it up. And it sucks. A lot. And I’m crushed. And I’ve had a good long cry, and probably will again. And that’s just how it is. Thank goodness I have a vacay this week to take my mind off things….

P.S. To my best friend C. – thanks for saying all the right things. Love you!

24
Jan
09

Round Two?

Today I got an email from eHarmony. I had tried it out around this time last year for about 6 months, but gave up on the whole scene without much luck. I ended up going out on dates with two different guys I met on there – both perfectly nice, but as usual – no chemistry. I swore that I was going to give up on the whole blind dating/online dating scene because I have NEVER pursued anyone I went on a blind date with (and I’ve been on quite a few) and I’ve just never felt or believed that it was the way I’m going to meet someone. I always dreaded the dates, and got really sick of being disappointed. I also decided I was going to start taking the “reactive” dating approach, instead of the “proactive” approach – I started to think that maybe I was just trying and wishing too hard, and that if I just gave up on actively pursuing dates, something would happen the ‘natural’ way.eharmony-logo

But – you know those eHarmony commercials??? MAN! It makes the whole thing look so promising and it’s hard not to be encouraged by those really cute couples! And of course, they haven’t stopped harassing me to renew my membership since I quit, and they have dropped the monthly price so low to get me to sign-up again. I’m considering renewing my membership, but taking a slightly different approach this time. I would love to have my good friends/family write up my profile – after all, they know me better than anyone. THEN – I’d let them review my matches and decide which ones I should pursue. Obviously, I don’t seem to be doing a very good job of picking people out, and I’m the first to admit that I can be picky (although – I still argue that my expectations are NOT unreasonable, and that there is just a shortage of really good, SINGLE men out there.) But, maybe having others choose for me would open my mind a little more….

I’m looking for advice – what do you think loyal readers? Should I give this another go? Or give the ‘natural’ way a little more time?

28
Oct
08

The Rules for PDA…and there should be some.

This weekend I went with one of my best friends to see a show, in a high-class, fancy theatre. Granted, I recognize that the theatre can be a dater’s paradise; full of guys trying to impress their loved one with a cultured and expensive evening. I get it. However, what I didn’t understand was the amount of couples that were flaunting PDA all over the place! I am the first one to admit that I enjoy a little hand-holding, a kneee touch, and even a peck here and there. Acting as though you’re the only people in a room? Inappropriate!!

Couples need to recognize that there is a time and a place for things, and that there IS a limit on how much PDA is appropriate in front of others. Gauge your audience people!! If you’re hanging out with a group of other couples, than you can likely get away with more. If you’e in the grocery store, theatre or public street – be conscious of that and take it easy! And above all, when the two of you are hanging out with your one single friend?? Layoff for awhile! As much as you may want to put your hands all over each other and gaze into each other’s eyes like there is no one else is there, please recognize that it puts those that ARE there in a very uncomfortable position.

Now, I know that people will say – “People need to get over it. There is nothing wrong with people expressing affection for one another.” Fine – that’s you’re opinion. But, my opinion is that it’s rude to make others feel uncomfortable by doing things that are over the line of what would be conisdered reasonable public affection. Hand-holding? Fine. Peck on the lips? Fine. Arm around each other? Fine. Tongues down the throat? Not fine. Straddling each other? Not fine. Touching or grabbing butts, boobs or other inappropriate places? NOT FINE. Baby talk and whiny use of the word, “Baby”? Annoying…and also…not fine.

Thank God I have normal, and self-aware friends who have not only been dating for years, but are not big into the PDA scene – it keeps me sane in the couple’s bubble. But I find that it’s also lowered my tolearance for PDA in general. Well, that – and the whole ‘being bitter about being single’ thing. Anyway, that’s my rant about PDA.

In other news, I have my second date with JD tomorow. A movie. Feeling neutral about the whole thing but excited to see the movie ‘W’. Have no idea what to expect – it’s been a long time since I’ve been on a second date with a blind date!

Also – came accross this article on Yahoo today about singles who are picky about finding a partner. Reminded me of my last blog post, and why it’s OK to be picky. I need to keep reminding myself of that every now and then!

20
Oct
08

And the verdict is….

I appreciate you loyal followers who have been asking about my date on Saturday night. I’d go on the record as saying that I’m undecided on this one, which is more than I can say for my past blind dates however! JD was very smart and actually knew how to make conversation…a skill I find lacking in many single men these days (the ones I’ve met anyway). We DID have a lot in common, and got to talking about our backgrounds, our work, our families and even politics.

Was he cute you ask? Well – I wouldn’t say he was unattractive, but I wouldn’t say I was attracted to him either. Was there chemistry? Not really – but there was enough good conversation that I’m definitely willing to give this one another go and see what might happen. We made loose plans to catch the movie “W” in the next few weeks, and will be seeing each other at L’s charity event as well. I’m taking this one slow – and if the connection comes, it comes. If it doesn’t, I’m not going to force it. I’ve been in the situation where it’s taken me months to build an attraction to someone (my Ex – we worked together before we started dating) but I’ve also been in the situation, on several occasions, of feeling that instant chemistry/connection/attraction (whatever you want to call it). Does one make for a stronger relationship foundation than the other? I don’t know….

However, I can honestly say that if I hadn’t been on so many dates before JD, I’m not sure I’d really be giving this one another go. I’m just at the point now, where I’m starting to think there’s something wrong with me that I’m not attracted to any of the guys I’ve met….what is holding me back from feeling that….’thing’?? The ‘je ne sais quoi’?? I’m convinced it must be me. No one goes on this many dates and comes out the other end empty handed. It’s especially frutrating when I see all these people hitting it off with their first dates, or developing instant crushes!! Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve had a crush on someone??? Two and a half years!!! The worst part is, I haven’t been able to get that last crush out of my head…but he’s a story for another blog. I just find that once I fall for someone, my feelings for that person don’t go away until I find someone else that I feel that same way, or stronger, about….it’s been that way since my first real crush in the fifth grade (who I didn’t fully get over until high school…ridiculous. But this is what I mean when I say I fall hard!! I’m hopeless!)

Part of the problem is, I know what I want. I don’t want to settle for less than what I want. I don’t think my expectations are unreasonable…at all. And my friends agree with me, so I know I’m not asking too much. Nobody’s perfect, which I recognize and understand. But I’m looking for someone who is perfect for me. Where does that leave me? How do you ‘lower’ your expectations, and open yourself up to opportunities that aren’t what you really want, without feeling like you’re settling? This is not a rhetorical question – I need answers! It feels like a balancing act between my expectations and my reality…what should tip the scale?




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