Posts Tagged ‘chemistry

19
Jan
10

Find Me Somebody To Love

(Love that song, especially the version they did on Glee).

So, I’m seriously considering giving the online dating thing another go. I’ve been toying with the idea of getting back on eHarmony for about a week or so now. Maybe because they have a good deal on right now, or because it’s hard to resist the couples on those commercials who look so freakin’ happy, and do a damn good job of convincing me that – yes- my perfect match is out there, just waiting for me to find him. The thing that keeps stopping me is the ridiculous frustration and discouragement that have followed my last several attempts at online dating (or really, dating in general). I swore that I would NEVER do it again. It almost felt worse than not dating at all because some of the matches I saw made me go: “Are you kidding me? This is the best that’s out there?!” Or, I’d go on a few dates, and like every other guy since X and my last crush, there’d be absolutely no chemistry or interest on my end whatsoever.

Given that, I’ve been on a self-imposed dating diet for quite some time now. And as much as I remain incredibly discouraged about dating and my seeming inability to even develop a ‘crush’ on someone, I figure that I’m not getting any further by throwing in the towel on dating all together either. I’m not ready to commit to online dating again just yet, but I’m thinking about it.

Going back and reading some of my older posts about my online dating experiences and thoughts are not helping the cause right now….I’d better give it a few more days…

04
Jun
09

Settle down, or just settle?

gottliebI’ve never been one who believes in settling. My Slim Pickins post is proof of that. I’ve always believed in holding out for that person who will be your friend, your lover and your partner – someone you click with mentally, emotionally and physically. My friends and family would probably say I’m a helpless romantic actually. But I have to wonder where all of my hopeless romanticism comes from. I mean – let’s face it. From the time you’re old enough to understand images and words, you’re bombarded with fairytales and movies about nice pretty ladies and princesses finding their prince charming. Heck – this continues into your teen years! So how can single women NOT be hopeless romantics? We’re waiting for the ONE – the ONE that gives us butterflies, and leaves us speechless, and sweeps us off our feet, and wants to marry us, and….. isn’t a jerk. I believe in that – I truly do.

But….

Is it realistic to think that it’s going to happen to all of us? Statistically, I mean. I believe (now, more than ever) that finding someone who will love you, and want to be with you for the rest of your life, is a gift. And you truly are lucky, if out of a universe of six billion people on this planet, you actually meet and connect with the person who fulfills you and will love you no matter what – and that those feelings are mutual between you. So yes – with those odds, I can’t truly say that I believe that kind of love (and I’m not even talking marriage) will happen for all of us.

So – what’s a single girl to do? It’s true that it could happen for me – but no one really knows. And at the end of the day, sometimes I DO think that I’d rather just settle than be single. Not now of course – I know I’m still young. But if push came to shove, and 10 years from now I was still alone, I’m not sure I could honestly say that I wouldn’t think about it. Although I’ve been a big advocate of not settling, I read a really interesting and intriguing article the other day that made me look at ‘settling’ in a different light. We all know that our lives aren’t fairytales. Maybe I’m never going to meet someone who has ALL of the things I’m looking for. So, if I have to sacrifice “the spark” to be with someone I care about, have fun with, and would be willing to have a partnership with – then is that really so bad? Or maybe we have great physical chemistry, but aren’t always on the same page emotionally. Having someone to share things with, enjoy life with and grow old with – whether we get married, or just agree to commit to each other? Passion, sparks, romance – over time, this diminishes anyway, and marriages and partnerships are never perfect all the time. There will always be rough patches where people want out. So, why is settling with someone who’s maybe just a friend, any different than having a less than perfect relationship (as most relationships are)? Maybe there’s a point where we have to make the decision to be alone or be happy – some of us can make the two mutually exclusive and some of us can’t. And although I’m truly undecided on this topic, I’m starting to think that there’s nothing wrong with either….

I encourage you to read Lisa Gottlieb’s article and let me know what you think.

28
Mar
09

I’m just not that into you

Yes, I’ve been MIA. To be honest, just haven’t felt like writing lately. I wish I could say it’s because I fell madly in love with S. and have been spending every waking minute with him….

Yeah. That didn’t happen.

Sure, things looked promising after our first date. Although looking back, I think I was more wrapped up in the fact that I went on a blind date with someone who could actually carry a conversation and had something in common with me – my expectations for blind dates have been so low that anything above having to carry a conversation all by myself, started to seem like long-term potential. S. is a very nice guy – and he’s wonderful….for someone else.

I’m starting to understand why men sometimes say that women can be hypocrites. We say we want one thing, and then when we get it, we don’t want it anymore. This is what happened with S. After our first date, S. was clearly very interested in me…he texted me a lot. He emailed a lot. He kept dropping the ‘we’ and talking about things we could do in the summer, down the road etc. What girl doesn’t want a guy who is attentive? Who calls when he says he’s going to? Who thinks about me? Although I found it a little bit much so early, I could see that he was interested and of course, was flattered.

On our second date though – it definitely got to be too much. He was almost a completely different person. Very excited to see me, agreed with everything I said, was proposing things for the future, wanted to hug/touch me a lot, etc, etc. All of this was 100% harmless – I’m making him sound like an obsessed stalker, which he definitely wasn’t. As my friend A. told me, “You don’t want a guy who’s been around the block too much. This is just his ‘lack of game.'” Well – maybe true, but I immediately started pulling away because it was starting to make me very uncomfortable and I was feeling incredible pressure. I was nowhere near that interested in him, and even though he came on strong, I’m not sure that after our second date things would have been any different even if he hadn’t. Our conversation was still a lot of surface talk and felt strained at times. He obviously didn’t think so, and went as far as to propose a day trip for our third date – that was kind of the nail in the coffin for me, and I told him flat out that I thought it was a bit soon for that. I did agree to a third dinner date, where he seemed to back off a bit (I think the was starting to get the hint), but it was too late at this point and I didn’t feel an attraction (or even desire to spend more time with him) whatsoever.

I am  looking for a guy who has his own opinions and own mind, and will take charge once and awhile. This is DEFINITELY not S. Everytime I tried to get him to make a decision about what we should do, where we should go, what movie we should see, where we should go for coffee etc….he always left it up to me. That might be for some people, but it’s not for me. I appreciate he wanted my input, but even when I would put it back on him, he always wanted to do whatever my preference was. As an independent, single women, I make those decisions and take control in every other aspect of my life – all on my own. I guess that’s why I’m looking for someone who will take that over once and awhile…

What sucks about all of this, is that I had told my friends, co-workers (also my friends) and family about this date – it seemed to be the most promising out of all the ones I’d been on. And when things didn’t work out? I felt awful. Because I know that they all care about me, and want me to meet someone great that will make me happy. And everytime I go on a date and it doesn’t work out, I feel like I’m disappointing people.  I hated that I was going to have to go back and tell everyone that once again, I didn’t feel anything for someone. The same ‘he’s good on paper’ line that I have fed to them over, and over, and over. I’m starting to think that they might think I’m crazy. That I’m absolutely incapable of ever feeling that for someone – that I don’t think anyone is ‘good enough’ for me. And the scariest part about that, is that I’m starting to wonder if it’s true. Am I so messed up emotionally and mentally that I subconciously can’t allow myself to go there with anyone? Have I been single for so long, and gotten so used to being on my own that I don’t know how to incorporate someone else into my life? Or don’t…want to? Has my relationship/friendship with X, and my disappointment with my last crush made me completely incapable of trusting that someone might not hurt me? I just feel like I’m never going to have those feelings for anyone else again and it makes me just want to give up and stop trying.

So, I just wasn’t that into him. And although it was weird being on the other side of that equation (and finally ‘getting it’ – that book/movie makes so much more sense now because I was SO the guy in this situation), it’s hard to wonder if I’ll EVER be that into ‘him’….

16
Mar
09

a note to myself

reminderI am making this very quick note to myself and putting it out in public (so I guess it’s not really to myself….)

I just got off the phone with S. to plan our second date for tomorrow night. I officially have a somewhat excited feeling about it. I’m just documenting this feeling in writing so I can remember it when I start to ‘doubt’ how I feel about the situation or S. The ‘doubt’ being fear of course. Fear of being disappointed, fear of being hurt again, fear of being rejected, fear of falling to hard, fear of HIM falling too hard….and using that as an excuse to convince myself that I don’t like him.

When you have been single for 5 years and have only crushed on unavailable people during that time, you forget what it feels like to like someone, and it starts to be scary when you do (at least for me).  I find myself trying to stop my feelings from going too far by curbing my optimism and excitement. I forget what it feels like to be in a relationship. To crush on someone. Sometimes I feel like I actually forget how to do it!!?? Isn’t that crazy??

Anyway – this excitment tends to be fleeting with me, which again, is why I’m documenting it in this particular moment. Stay tuned.

14
Mar
09

cautious optimism

So I had a date on Thursday night. I hadn’t mentioned it in my blog, because I was sure it would be another disappointment – following the same pattern of other blind dates/guys I had met online.  Imagine my surprise when I actually enjoyed this date! I wouldn’t say the sparks were flying, but there is definitely potential, which is more than I can say for the rest of my dates.

Unlike other guys I had met online, I actually communicated with this guy for about two weeks via email before we decided to meet. Usually, it would be 2-3 emails and then coffee. I think this was a much better way to go, because we got to know a lot more about each other and the more I found out about him, the more I liked him and was curious to meet. It was hard not to get excited about the date, because he sounded fantastic – super nice, lots of questions and we seemed to have a lot in common. But I was worried that what seeemed good ‘on paper’ wouldn’t transate in person. Luckily, it did. We had great conversation, lots to say, lots in common and although the physical attraction wasn’t super strong – I do think he’s cute. To-date, probably the best blind date I’ve been on. We had already planned our second date before we finished our first! And – would you believe that today is my birthday, and S. (my date) was the first one to call me today and wish me a happy birthday? Hmmmm….:)

Now it’s up to me not to get freaked out that this could actually be something – provided that connection/spark starts to grow. Thank goodness I listened to my best friend C. and avoided the Starbucks first date like all of my other blind dates – maybe it made my luck start to turn….I’m cautiously optimistic.

05
Mar
09

Love-Sci

Is it just me, or is there more and more information out there about love being a ‘science’; match-making theories based on genetics, biology, DNA etc.? Or theories about how the natural ‘smell’ that we give off, or the way we blink or dart our eyes at someone, is evidence of our attraction to them?

A few weeks ago, I watched a special on 20/20 that tested the research of some doctor (who wrote a book called “Why Him? Why Her?“) who claims that every human being fits into one of four categories based on certain characteristics. She claims that certain pairings of these four different personality types are more successful than others. But, turns out that after following a few potential couples of these ‘ideal’ pairings, none really stuck. Coincidence? Maybe. I mean, there are still so many other things that have to match in order to make a relationship work.

The show also followed a few couples who were matched by a professional, $30,000 a pop, matchmaker. After intensive conversation with her clients, determining the ideal qualities they would each look for in a partner, she would strategically match them up and send them on dates. The gentleman whose story they were following went on two dates – the girl he liked, didn’t like him back – and the one he didn’t like, believed they had a ‘connection.’ Another failed attempt. What was funny about all of this, was that the last couple they featured was an Indian couple brought together by their families in an arranged marriage; literally chosen out of a newspaper ad that listed no personal characteristics whatsover – just facts about his/her occupation, education, and wealth. Despite meeting only once before their wedding, this couple has been happily married (and in love) for over one year. Coincidence again? That after the five matches featured on the show, this was the one that was the most successful?

So IS there a science to it? Some magic formula? Do theories, and genetics and personality characteristics really play a part, or is the whole thing just luck? Right time, right place, and different elements of two people that just happen to mesh well? Is it more important that our upbringing and education and job title equate to our partner’s for a relationship to be successful? Horoscopes have been around for ages – and do you think that a happy couple whose astrological signs don’t really match, are doomed to fail? And doesn’t the thought of some scientific theory, or personality matching system or astrological pairing – just take the fun and mystery out of it all? (OK, so that was a long series of rhetorical questions…)

I did the personality test that was featured on 20/20 (you can do it to – for free- by signing up here), and I would definitely say that the results were right on the money with the kind of person I am. Having said that – we are each individuals. And someone who is the same personality type as me won’t neccessarily be attracted to or interested in the same guy that I might be. I guess what I’m trying to say (not so eloquently) about all of this, is that I just don’t really buy it. I don’t think that these personality tests and theories and scientific evidence about our genetics and DNA and the ‘scents’ that we give off, really have anything to do with finding a match. I truly think it’s based on two factors: luck and timing. Things we like about someone, and things we don’t like about someone. And that is individual for every single person on the planet. So, until I see more scientific evidence that proves the success and happinness of couples based on any of these theories, I’m giong to enjoy the mystery of wondering who the guy I end up with might be.

Another item for my Single Girl’s Survival List (I believe this is #17, for those who have been following): I LOVE having a queen size bed all to myself. I sprawl out every night and don’t have to fight for covers, pillows or space.

01
Feb
09

Buyer’s Remorse

It’s only been a few days and already, I’m experiencing buyer’s remorse from my eHarmony membership.

You know when you get drunk and end up with a really, really bad hangover? When you have your head in the toilet and you’re repeating to yourself “I’m never drinking alcohol again”, and thinking that you’d give absolutely anything to make your nausea and pounding headache go away? I’m one of those people who actually remembers that feeling. That’s why I rarely get drunk – I know that I’m going to regret it the next day and be wishing I’d never done it.

Well – the same goes for online dating. After giving it a shot for 6 months, I told myself that I wasn’t going through that again. Sorting through all the ‘matches’ (although few of them seem like matches at all), the emailing back and forth with the same questions over and over, the awkward first date with the small talk conversation, and then the awkward ‘do we, or do we not want to see each other again’ half-conversation. And so far, it hasn’t been worth it, and I can’t even say I’ve really learned anything from the experience(s). Last time, I promised myself that I was done with online dating. I know that many people have found it to be fun, and successful – but my instincts just tell me that this is not the way I’m meant to meet someone. Not because I’m ‘above’ online dating, or that I don’t think it works – but I just don’t feel like it’s the right avenue for me.

But – here I am, going through it again. And so far, the matches I’ve been sent (more than a dozen) are not promising and I remember why I promised myself I wasn’t going to do it again. I find myself saying “Well, he doesn’t sound terrible….so I guess so.” Or “I guess he sounds…alright.” Granted it’s only been a few days, but I went through this for six months before and I just feel like I’m settling for meeting guys who are just…’OK’. Not that there seems to be anything… wrong with any of them….but I feel like they’re just not matches for me…Maybe this makes me sound snobby or arrogant (as perhaps “Anona” would agree) but I don’t care…my blog = my thoughts, and that’s just how I feel. My best friend C. reminded me tonight that I should just look at this as something fun, and stop taking it so seriously. Heck, I don’t even have to keep checking my matches if I don’t want to – C. has committed to keeping me tuned to anyone who is not to be missed. So, since I’m paid up for the next three months, I’ll take her up on it and just try to forget about it.

In other news, an emotional blow today in finding out that my ‘last crush’ (as he’s come to be known in this blog) is now engaged. This shook me up, as I was not at all expecting it, having no idea that he was even seeing anyone. We hadn’t had any communication in months, and although we’re connected in several different ways (via work colleagues and our parents) I had no idea he was no longer single. As shocked as I am, I can’t say I’m surprised as I knew someone like him wouldn’t stay single for long – I was surprised he was even single when I met him. In the short time we were seeing each other, I could see what a kind, genuine and sincere guy he was. Ambitious, family-oriented, fun and just enjoyable to be around. I’ve never gone into the details of this crush in my blog because…well..I never felt for anyone the way I felt for him… and I guess I just wanted to keep it for myself. Truth be told, I was convinced that us not being together was purely a timing thing, and that down the road – it was a possibility. I had never fallen so instantly for someone and had it be mutual – the chemistry AND everything else I always new I wanted in someone. Even in my last relationship, I can’t say I was always 100% secure in how X felt about me….but with this one, it was just easy…and natural…and I never doubted he felt it too. Long story short: the timing wasn’t right and the distance between us (geographically) wasn’t allowing it to work. But needless to say, I had fallen hard – and quick. Very unlike me, which is why I think I thought it might have been something more…

In all fairness, C. reminded me that I never really had the chance to get to know all of him – and that by knowing all these wonderful things about him in a short period of time, I never had the opportunity to learn the ‘not-good’ things; the things that obviously meant he wasn’t the one for me. So, I put him up on a pedestal and haven’t looked down since. Now I’m forced to get closure on it…to give it up. And it sucks. A lot. And I’m crushed. And I’ve had a good long cry, and probably will again. And that’s just how it is. Thank goodness I have a vacay this week to take my mind off things….

P.S. To my best friend C. – thanks for saying all the right things. Love you!




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