Posts Tagged ‘closure

22
Feb
11

I have no title for this post…..kind of at a loss for words.

I knew the day was going to come eventually, but I’m not sure I knew how soon it would come or how I would feel when it did. But, it came nonetheless and now I have to face it.

X is getting married.

Yep.

As in, engaged, proposed to, having a wedding.

After all of the intense and complicated feelings I’ve been working really hard to deal with over the past few years when it comes to X, I truly didn’t know how’d I’d react when this reality came to fruition (as I knew it would). He’s been dating someone for about a year and a half, and while I sincerely questioned the seriousness of their relationship initially (no one around him, nor myself, ever thought this could possibly go anywhere), I also remember the day that I thought to myself: “This is different.” I could feel it. I knew that he was more serious about her than anyone thought. Maybe it’s because I could see how he was different with her than he was with me. But even so, there was a big part of me that was in denial about it. His family doesn’t like her. His friends don’t like her. And X never struck me as the kind of person that would settle down with someone that the people close to him didn’t really warm to. Turns out, not the case.

All this being said, my relationship with X has changed drastically over the last year and a half – for the better. And I think it’s because the change in our relationship actually become the LACK of one, and that has been better for me than I could have expected years ago. I NEVER thought I’d get to the point where I didn’t want X in my life. Never in a million years. But after a lot of work on myself, and a lot of soul-searching – I DID finally get there. Quite frankly, the scale tipped almost too much the other way; I’d give anything to just have X out of the picture, non-existant. But, it will never be the reality. As long as I’m friends with B&C, and as long as Mr. C is such an important part of both of our lives – he’s going to be there, and so will she. *(Recap: B is X’s sister. Her and her hubby C are two of my closest friends. Mr. C is their 8-month old and current love of my life).

X called to tell me the news himself. As soon as he said he had news he wanted me to hear straight from him, I knew what it was. I also knew it was coming. I told a few friends about two weeks prior that I could just……feel it. That it was coming (Pisces intuition maybe). It didn’t make me any more prepared for the news though, and it didn’t make it any less difficult. I appreciate that X called to tell me himself. I think he knew it would be difficult for me as he had a hard time getting the right words out. I didn’t let on that I was emotional – probably the best acting job of my life. But his phone call somewhat re-instilled the belief I’d lost, that he DID love and care about me at one point.

As I’ve tried to clarify on this blog many times before, these feelings don’t stem from X himself. I’d never get back together with him in a million years. Instead, these mixed emotions stem from everything X ever represented for me; the only person who, to this day, has ever loved and cared about me in that way. Given how completely and utterly disenchanted and hopeless I feel about ever finding somebody, this felt like kind of a nail in the coffin. It almost feels like this is fulfilling the belief I have that finding love is going to happen to everyone around me, except me. I’m sure there’s more to it as well. The intensity of my feelings regarding this news seem too heightened to not have more going on behind the scenes…..I’m still working on figuring that out though.

On top of it all, I have a tremendous amount of guilt. If I’m being totally honest, I relish the fact that no one in X’s life approves of this relationship or thinks he’s making a good decision. And the more I hear it, the more satisfied I feel. I know it’s only human nature to feel that way about an X (I guess); who doesn’t want to be the person that everyone measures her against? But, it makes me feel like a horrible human being.

I called C in an emotional mess when I found out. All I kept thinking was “How am I going to get though this?” “When is it ever going to stop?” Thank God for best friends. I always find myself questioning what I would do without C., and in this situation, she stepped up to the plate. What more can I say except that the next year will be a tough road, and I’m not sure how I’d get through it without a friend like C (and my Mom). For now, one day at a time….

After a day or two of wallowing in self-mourning, I started to feel better. That part of me that remembers why I don’t WANT to be with X started to take over again. I found myself handling the situation much better than I thought I would (first two days excluded of course). Funnily enough, I also feel a very tiny sense of relief. That maybe this will force some closure that’s been a really long time coming. I’d like to believe it’s not because I’m in denial (not sure yet…..) but it’s been less painful to think about and I’ve been able to hear about some of the details without freaking out or getting emotional. B&C will be in the wedding party so there’s no way I’ll be able to avoid details. It is a bit like a bad train wreck though; I want to know all the details while at the same time, not knowing any at all. Not sure how that’s going to go…..so far, hearing the details of certain things has not been as terrible as anticipated (I reiterate…..so far). That being said, the emotions come and go in waves – as intense and unpredictable as the waves of a tsunami.

Time will tell what happens when I see X. A hug and congratulations will be obligatory. And provided I can keep myself together emotionally (using those acting skills again….), I think it will be OK and probably the hardest part of the whole thing.

The question remains of whether or not I will be invited to the wedding. X and I were very close friends and have a history that is much longer than the time we were a couple. At the same time, we’ve distanced ourselves enough in the last year or so that it’s possible he won’t. That same history has been what’s separated us, and maybe for the better. I’ll cross that bridge if we come to it.

So, a lengthy, emotional update from my side. Guess I had more words than I thought……

20
Jan
10

Insanity

The other day my brother and I were having a random conversation about some stuff and he came out with these wise words of wisdom: “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

Of course these weren’t my brother’s words of wisdom, they were Albert Einstein’s. But I thought to myself – how true. For me, this quote applies specifically to my addiction (dare I say, recovering addiction?) with X, and I’m sure that many of you out there can relate this to past relationships you’ve had as well; hoping and hoping that things will change, determined that he IS this great guy underneath, and that eventually he’ll see the light and realize how lucky he is to have you (whether it’s as a girlfriend, or in my case, as a friend). But no matter what we do, he won’t change. And I’ve finally learned that. I’ve stopped expecting X to behave any differently than he has in the past – why would he? I would keep doing the same things expecting him to react differently – but his reactions and responses never changed. Insanity I tell ya!

And now, I don’t really care about his reactions and responses because per Albert Einstein’s advice, I finally changed what I was doing when it comes to X. What have I been doing? Absolutely NOTHING. No phone calls. No emails. No texts. No visits. And this sanity feels pretty darn good…

06
Jan
10

A New Year….

Another New Year.

I have to admit that I’m one of those people who buys into the hype of New Year’s resolutions, and starting fresh. While I hate the overrated activities of New Year’s Eve (it really IS just another day), there is something about January 1st that is generally encouraging and hopeful. Some people say, “But you can start fresh any day – it’s all in the attitude” – and I agree. But you have to admit that there is something about a new year that just makes it easier to start…well…new.

I am also a believer in New Year’s resolutions. Yes, many don’t keep, but some do and have helped me a lot. Lots of my fellow bloggers have been listing some of their New Year’s resolutions so I figured I’d do the same. The trick is to tell someone what they are (this makes you a bit more accountable), and make them small things that are achievable in steps. So, mine are (in no particular order):

– Up my once a week spinning class to two per week. Within this resolution, attempt a non-beginners class.
– Find new recipes for the crockpot and use it more. Within this resolution, find healthy recipes.
– Get my finances in order. This means paying back my folks, and putting more in savings each month.
– Stop worrying so much about what other people will think if I do, or don’t do, X or Y. (Baby steps on this; one person and one decision at a time…)
– Recover, heal, close-off, find peace, recuperate, detox…whatever it is, to put my relationship with X behind me for good. Within this resolution, celebrate the baby steps I achieve in this process. (Opting out of B&C’s New Years house party, for the second year in a row, was a good start here…)
Lastly, when struggling with being single and being lonely, remember and BELIEVE these words from my cousin, E: “The things you wish for will come your way – that is a guarantee. But, they won’t come until they’re meant to come.  You wouldn’t want it any other way because life has a way of unfolding in the way it is supposed to and if you try to force it to do something other than that, things turn messy.”

It’s hard to imagine what’s going to transpire for me over this next year. My Olympic experience will no doubt be life-changing. And at the same time, I’m trying to approach this year with no expectations – I’m not hoping for anything special, or convincing myself that this is the year that this, or that, is going to happen. I’m going to just focus on me, and what I’m doing in the moment – what will be, will be. (Although easier said than done, me thinks!)

So – best of luck with your New Year’s resolutions! I’ll try and keep you posted on mine as the year goes on….which reminds me, I should also add “Blog more regularly” to my list of resos!

05
Oct
09

I might be OK

I write this title hesitantly, because everytime I think I’m “OK” when it comes to any issues relating to X, I inevitably jinx myself, something dramatic happens and I find that I am indeed, NOT OK. However, I can cautiously, confidently say that I am the most “OK” with my X issues than I think I have ever been. The night of C’s surprise party (as incredibly difficult as it was) was a turning point for me, as was the conversation I had with my Mom afterwards about how me being upset about X having a girlfriend is really just an excuse to be upset about me being single. I finally got it. And for the first time in I don’t know how long, I actually don’t miss X. I don’t feel like calling him. I don’t want to email him. I don’t care about trying to get together to ‘catch-up’. For the first time, I don’t crave a ‘friendship’ with him. I think I have finally ‘got’ what a jerk he actually is. AND – I’ve witnessed it.

Hanging out at B&C’s this past Saturday night, X showed up with his new GF. I can honestly say that I don’t even know what her voice sounds like – she didn’t speak a world all night, and is painfully shy. The worst part about it was that X didn’t even try and include her or make her feel comfortable – he acted as though she wasn’t even there! I found myself questioning whether or not he even LIKES this girl. And I have to say, that I felt really bad for her – she was clearly uncomfortable, and I’d generally be the one to try and include someone like that in conversation but I knew that it couldn’t be me who took that step. From the night of C’s surprise party, I predicted that she was the type of girl that was going to let X walk all over her – and it was clear from his actions Saturday night that I am definitely right.

My very limited conversation with X on Saturday night (which he initiated) was definitely somewhat awkward. I want to act like everything is a-ok and normal, and at the same time, I think I still have a lot of anger towards him for treating me like crap so I DON’T want him to think that things are a-ok. I don’t doubt that the way X and his gf interact with each other has made it a bit easier for me to swallow this pill too, in conjunction with the fact that I finally see what an a** he is and just feel sorry for the girl that ends up with him. I don’t feel threatened by her or think that this relationship is going anywhere, which I can’t lie – makes it easier to take. But if that is the first baby step I have to take on the road to being “OK” when he DOES meet the right one, than it’s definitely a step in the right direction. My best friend C identified the light-bulb moment for me the other night when she said “You don’t have a relationship with X. You have a habit.” She couldn’t be more right. My “friendship” with him has been a habit; an addiction that I have had to WORK at breaking.  And although I’m not sure I’m 100% there yet, I’m definitely getting closer, which makes me hope that I’m closer to letting someone else in.

26
Jul
09

Blame it on the Ex

broken heartWhy are relationships with ex’s so complicated?

That might just be one of the most loaded questions of the century, and I know many a person (male AND female) have spent years, and years trying to figure it out.

My first break-up with X was, to this day, the most painful experience of my life. I can literally and physically remember feeling that I might actually die from it – I sunk into a deep hole, and didn’t think I’d ever find my way out. The only thing that kept me going was my Mom’s constant reminder that “No-one has ever died from a broken heart.” And even still, I wanted to tell her that I was going to be the first. But I can remember thinking that even through all of that – I never once, ever regretted my relationship with X, and that given the choice, I would not have gone back and changed a thing. We had some great times, I learned a lot, and I got to experience what it was like to love and be loved – and even experience the heart break that came along with it.

Now, six years later – it’s the first time in my life that I look back on it and find myself wishing it never happened. I think it has messed me up. I think it has made me so terrified of getting hurt again. I think that it’s convinced me that X is the only person who will ever feel that way about me, and that to this day, it is what has made my relationship with X so complicated. I think it gave me a taste of what being in love feels like – and how wonderful it (and everything that comes along with it) can be. Once you’ve had a taste of that, how can you not crave more? People who have never experienced something in life, don’t know what they’re missing. So once you do, how do you learn to deal with the pain that comes when it gets taken away? The pain of being alone and not being able to share your life with someone you love SUCKS. And it sucks even more because I remember what it felt like when I had it.

X and I went through (and are still going through) the very complicated process of trying to be friends. Initially, we did it because we still worked together and even though we had broken up, still respected and liked each other. Our friendship has certainly had its ups and downs and it’s been a very complex and complicated path we’ve tried to navigate – but in recent years and months, there’s certainly been more downs than ups. A year and a half ago, X and I had a huge falling out – I didn’t speak to him for six months. Funnily enough, it was the first time that I felt like I actully had to go through a “real” break-up with him, and after about the first two months of not speaking, I started to get used to not having him in my life and not talking to him. It only became difficult because his sister B., and her husband C. are two of my best friends and it put them in an awkard position when X and I were in the same room, or all hanging out together. So – we essentially made-up and became friends again. Worst decision ever. I should have just left things the way they were. My problem with being friends with X is that I expect him to treat me like the rest of my friends do – and he always disappoints. He dosn’t respect me, he doesn’t respect our friendship, and he pretty much jerks me around to do whatever is convenient for him – almost always hurting my feelings in the process. But I let him do it to me – over and over and over again. And I know that if this was a friend of mine on the other end, I’d be telling her to stop wasting her time and letting this guy walk all over her – that she’s better than that and deserves more. And I do. But my ‘relationship’ with X is the closest thing that I have to an addiction. I don’t know how else to describe it. I know it’s bad for me. I know the ‘high’ only lasts temporarily. I know that in the end, I end up feeling worse. I know that I’m smart enough to know what it does to me. But I dial his number, I hit send on emails, and I desperately try to be his friend while he blows me off. And no matter what my friends and family tell me, or what I tell myself – I just can’t give it up. I got over my feelings for X, but I never actually let him go. And I’m afriad that if I do let him go, the only person that has ever grown to love me will be out of my life – and that’s what I’m afraid to give up.

So how do you do it? How do you get over an addiction? I have so much anger towards him. I blame him for the fact that I’m screwed up about guys and relationships and being single. I blame him for the fact that I’ve turned into this desperate woman who is letting a guy walk all over her and take advantage of my friendship. I blame him for the fact that I have become a cyncial person who doesn’t believe there’s someone else who will love me like he did. I even blame him for being in a relationship with me – for giving me a taste of what it feels like and then taking it away. I feel like being angry at him is the only way I’m ever going to be able to let him go. I’ve told myself that I’m done with him and his so called “friendship” so many times – and that every time is the last time. But am I ever going to really be able to do it?? Sometimes it feels hopeless – feels like I’m so used to having this addiction in my life that I don’t remember what it’s like without him. But I have to – I have to, I have to. I can’t be walked over anymore. I can’t be let down anymore. I can’t be friends with someone who isn’t going to be the type of friend to me that I am to them. I have to enter my own form of Ex-Rehab. I’m not sure what that looks like, but I’m pretty sure it starts with no calls and no emails – baby steps.

23
Feb
09

Random thoughts from the weekend…

Alright – so I’m too tired to come up with a clever title for this one.

I had a great weekend! First of all, it was Spring Break week at my work, which meant some professional development sessions for staff. On Friday, I went to one of the most inspiring lectures of my life! One of our well-known faculty gave a talk about some of his life experiences; notably, losing his brother-in-law in a mountain climbing accident in New Zealand and having to keep himself alive overnight in -30C weather wearing shorts and a t-shirt. His brother-in-law basically saved his life by refusing to accept his outstretched hand, and he describes this as the one second that changed his life. His outlook on life has been completely different since – his entire lecture was about seizing the day, taking advantage of opportunities that come your way (or looking for the not so obvious opportunities!), and seeing the positive in everything – even tragedy. It’s hard to really put into words how moving this lecture was for me. I think that it just came at the right time in my life –  I’ve been thinking about some life changes, and looking for all the reasons why I shouldn’t do it. I’m starting to see that maybe there’s a reason I’m still single, and the universe is trying to tell me that there’s something else I’m suppsed to be doing; taking advantage of the opportunities in my single life, instead of bitching about it. Needless to say, I have a bit of a different outlook on things right now.

Friday night, I went with my friend J. to see the movie “He’s Just Not That Into You.” FANTASTIC! I expected a cute chick-flick, but not much else. But I enjoyed it much more than I thought I would! J. and I are big fans of the book, and it actually translated really well to the screen. It was funny to be in the theatre with all these women and hear everyone “ooooh” and “aahhh” and “tsk” at the same moments. You definitely got the sense that most of us had been there! I highly recommend it as a great girl’s night out. My only complaint – the whole premise of the book and the movie is that single girls need to remind themselves that they are the rule, and not the exception. However, the movie doesn’t exactly end that way. This was kind of disappointing – I sort of hoped they would show that a single girl’s life can still be great, even if “He’s Just Not That Into You.” Regardless, this book is a must read and the movie is a must-see for single girls everywhere. Trust me.

In other updates this week, I have made the decision NOT to email my last crush. I figure – what do I want to get out of it? I’ll end up waiting for some reply that won’t make me feel any better. And at the end of the day, the fact that he’s engaged will have to suffice as enough closure for me. We went on a few dates and it didn’t work out. Really, while I wish him the best, I don’t owe him a congrats – and emotionally,  it’s not worth it.

The eHarmony quest is still ongoing. I float back and forth from seeing this as ‘seizing opportunities’ (as mentioned above), and being just a big pain in my a$$. Here’s the thing about online dating – if you’re really serious about it, it’s actually a lot of work! It’s exhausting to read and weed through all those matches; especially when you don’t know enough about the person to be really ‘excited’ about communicating with them – so you have to push through the first few stages in order to really find out more, and see if it’s been worth all your time. Someone recently gave me the analogy that online dating is like working in sales; you make 10 cold calls, hope to get 3 prospects, and might get 1 sale out of those. Well – I have looked at over 100 matches since I rejoined eHarmony, and I’m only communicating with 2 of them. So, the stats are not necessarily so good but as my mom says, it only takes one. We’ll see what happens.

In other news, I haven’t had any communication with X in weeks. Not so sure it’s newsworthy, but for the first time, I kind of don’t care. If he calls to see how things are, great – it would be nice to catch-up. But I wrote him two messages back in January and never heard back so what’s the point? It’s kind of funny that sometimes it takes a completely, non-dramatic ‘event’ to make you see the light. One of my friends once told me that maybe if I stopped trying so hard to have a friendship with X, it would just happen naturally. I’m starting to think he might be right.

Hmm….what else in random thoughts of the week….

Oh – I have a wee little crush on Dev Patel from Slumdog Millionaire. Another fantastic movie that I saw on Saturday  night during my girl’s night with B. I wasn’t sure I would like it because I’m not usually into the underdog/independent films, but it was such a sweet movie. Yes – he’s 18, but what a cutie, and so sincerely amazed and humbled by this new found success. And his British accent makes him that much more adorable. And the little kids in this movie??? To die for (check out this interview – it will definitely make you smile!). Thoroughly enjoyed the Oscars last night too – the best broadcast of it that I’ve seen, and I agree with all the winning choices.  All in all – a great Single Girl’s weekend.

02
Feb
09

All The Small Things

When you’re suffering from a crushing emotional blow or a heartache (like I am right now – and yes – I realize I sound dramatic), sometimes you find yourself celebrating the small victories, or find solace in the small things that otherwise, might not be as significant. In this particular situation, I have to say that I’m taking solace in an ever-so-small victory of my own, despite how ‘small’ it might make me seem as a person…

At the same time I updated my eHarmony membership, I also ended up going back to update another dating site that my friend and I signed me up for months ago…I hadn’t paid any attention to it really, since I don’t have the patience to sort through all those matches myself (the benefit to eHarmony being that they do that for you). But – once I had signed in, it must have been reflected in my account because all of a sudden, I got a few messages. Here’s the kicker: one was from X. That’s right – my ex. My profile is extremely vague, with no pictures, so I’m 99.9% confident he didn’t know it was me. And yes – I got some satisfaction from that – and if that makes me a bad person, so be it. I guess because it made me feel like maybe he’s feeling as lonely as I am, and is trying the same non-traditional approaches to trying to meet someone; and X is not someone who admits to being lonely (or any other kind of emotion…AT ALL), so it seems that much more significant. Don’t think the irony isn’t lost on me either – the fact that he thought we’d be a good match. Let’s just say that it didn’t strengthen my faith in online dating! But, with yesterday being an emotional day, I went back to that ever-so-small satisfaction and savoured it…just a little bit.

Today I tried to write my last crush an email to say congratulations on his engagement – not something he’d think was out of the ordinary, since we’d been in touch sporadically. But I kept staring at a blank screen feeling nauseous, not sure what to say without sounding too over the top “I’m-over-you-and-don’t-care-that-you’re-engaged”. I’m not even sure if I’m more upset because it’s him being engaged….or because it feels like it’s everyone else AND him. But I think I need to send the email for me, to close the door for good. I’ve already deleted his contact info out of my cell phone and email, so it seems like the last step to letting go. I guess I’m just really afraid of the message that is bound to come back….

#15 on my Single Girl’s Survival List: I’m vegging out tonight watching 2 hours of The Bachelor and then, The City. Need I say more?




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