Posts Tagged ‘Crush


a note to myself

reminderI am making this very quick note to myself and putting it out in public (so I guess it’s not really to myself….)

I just got off the phone with S. to plan our second date for tomorrow night. I officially have a somewhat excited feeling about it. I’m just documenting this feeling in writing so I can remember it when I start to ‘doubt’ how I feel about the situation or S. The ‘doubt’ being fear of course. Fear of being disappointed, fear of being hurt again, fear of being rejected, fear of falling to hard, fear of HIM falling too hard….and using that as an excuse to convince myself that I don’t like him.

When you have been single for 5 years and have only crushed on unavailable people during that time, you forget what it feels like to like someone, and it starts to be scary when you do (at least for me).  I find myself trying to stop my feelings from going too far by curbing my optimism and excitement. I forget what it feels like to be in a relationship. To crush on someone. Sometimes I feel like I actually forget how to do it!!?? Isn’t that crazy??

Anyway – this excitment tends to be fleeting with me, which again, is why I’m documenting it in this particular moment. Stay tuned.


Random thoughts from the weekend…

Alright – so I’m too tired to come up with a clever title for this one.

I had a great weekend! First of all, it was Spring Break week at my work, which meant some professional development sessions for staff. On Friday, I went to one of the most inspiring lectures of my life! One of our well-known faculty gave a talk about some of his life experiences; notably, losing his brother-in-law in a mountain climbing accident in New Zealand and having to keep himself alive overnight in -30C weather wearing shorts and a t-shirt. His brother-in-law basically saved his life by refusing to accept his outstretched hand, and he describes this as the one second that changed his life. His outlook on life has been completely different since – his entire lecture was about seizing the day, taking advantage of opportunities that come your way (or looking for the not so obvious opportunities!), and seeing the positive in everything – even tragedy. It’s hard to really put into words how moving this lecture was for me. I think that it just came at the right time in my life –  I’ve been thinking about some life changes, and looking for all the reasons why I shouldn’t do it. I’m starting to see that maybe there’s a reason I’m still single, and the universe is trying to tell me that there’s something else I’m suppsed to be doing; taking advantage of the opportunities in my single life, instead of bitching about it. Needless to say, I have a bit of a different outlook on things right now.

Friday night, I went with my friend J. to see the movie “He’s Just Not That Into You.” FANTASTIC! I expected a cute chick-flick, but not much else. But I enjoyed it much more than I thought I would! J. and I are big fans of the book, and it actually translated really well to the screen. It was funny to be in the theatre with all these women and hear everyone “ooooh” and “aahhh” and “tsk” at the same moments. You definitely got the sense that most of us had been there! I highly recommend it as a great girl’s night out. My only complaint – the whole premise of the book and the movie is that single girls need to remind themselves that they are the rule, and not the exception. However, the movie doesn’t exactly end that way. This was kind of disappointing – I sort of hoped they would show that a single girl’s life can still be great, even if “He’s Just Not That Into You.” Regardless, this book is a must read and the movie is a must-see for single girls everywhere. Trust me.

In other updates this week, I have made the decision NOT to email my last crush. I figure – what do I want to get out of it? I’ll end up waiting for some reply that won’t make me feel any better. And at the end of the day, the fact that he’s engaged will have to suffice as enough closure for me. We went on a few dates and it didn’t work out. Really, while I wish him the best, I don’t owe him a congrats – and emotionally,  it’s not worth it.

The eHarmony quest is still ongoing. I float back and forth from seeing this as ‘seizing opportunities’ (as mentioned above), and being just a big pain in my a$$. Here’s the thing about online dating – if you’re really serious about it, it’s actually a lot of work! It’s exhausting to read and weed through all those matches; especially when you don’t know enough about the person to be really ‘excited’ about communicating with them – so you have to push through the first few stages in order to really find out more, and see if it’s been worth all your time. Someone recently gave me the analogy that online dating is like working in sales; you make 10 cold calls, hope to get 3 prospects, and might get 1 sale out of those. Well – I have looked at over 100 matches since I rejoined eHarmony, and I’m only communicating with 2 of them. So, the stats are not necessarily so good but as my mom says, it only takes one. We’ll see what happens.

In other news, I haven’t had any communication with X in weeks. Not so sure it’s newsworthy, but for the first time, I kind of don’t care. If he calls to see how things are, great – it would be nice to catch-up. But I wrote him two messages back in January and never heard back so what’s the point? It’s kind of funny that sometimes it takes a completely, non-dramatic ‘event’ to make you see the light. One of my friends once told me that maybe if I stopped trying so hard to have a friendship with X, it would just happen naturally. I’m starting to think he might be right.

Hmm….what else in random thoughts of the week….

Oh – I have a wee little crush on Dev Patel from Slumdog Millionaire. Another fantastic movie that I saw on Saturday  night during my girl’s night with B. I wasn’t sure I would like it because I’m not usually into the underdog/independent films, but it was such a sweet movie. Yes – he’s 18, but what a cutie, and so sincerely amazed and humbled by this new found success. And his British accent makes him that much more adorable. And the little kids in this movie??? To die for (check out this interview – it will definitely make you smile!). Thoroughly enjoyed the Oscars last night too – the best broadcast of it that I’ve seen, and I agree with all the winning choices.  All in all – a great Single Girl’s weekend.


Two Degrees of Separation

six_degrees_smallI’m back readers. After a 9 day vacation to the sunny south, I’m back to reality (and the cold). The vacation was a blast, and even though I travelled with B & C and was worried about the third wheel thing, everything turned out fine and we had a blast together.

It’s funny that I just traveled with about 2000 strangers on a cruise ship to three different islands, and yet I come home and am amazed at how small the world really is. I don’t know if it’s because I live in, what big city folks would call, a ‘small town’ (it’s a city of about 350,000 people) but I seem to be the most intraconnected person I know. While I was going through all of the eharmony matches that were delivered while I was on vacation, lo and behold there was a guy on the list that I have already met before – I friend of a close relative of mine.  Not someone I’d date for several reasons, but it was just one more instance in which I find myself bizarrely connected to random people who should have nothing to do with each other!

Now, as a single incident, this wouldn’t even be worth mentioning, But I find that in my life, 6 degrees of separation is always more like 2 degrees. And I know many of my friends and family would agree with this statement. It wasn’t that big of a deal at first, because this happens to everyone. But it seems to keep happening to me – over, and over in the most random ways. Everyone I meet is connected to someone else I know, and not always in a good way – especially when it comes to past crushes. This ‘intraconnection’ is what has caused a lot of the issues with my X, has made it incredibly difficult to get over my last crush, and is making it even more difficult to accept some of the people that have recently come back into my life in the most random way. I’m hoping that eventually this 2 degrees of separation is going to work in my favour – in terms of my single life or otherwise. But man – sometimes I just want to pick-up and go somewhere where no one knows me, and I don’t have to deal with any drama that accumulates from being bizarrely connected to the most random people; taking advantage of my single life instead of complaining about it by picking up, and just going somewhere new.

Hmm….something to think about…


All The Small Things

When you’re suffering from a crushing emotional blow or a heartache (like I am right now – and yes – I realize I sound dramatic), sometimes you find yourself celebrating the small victories, or find solace in the small things that otherwise, might not be as significant. In this particular situation, I have to say that I’m taking solace in an ever-so-small victory of my own, despite how ‘small’ it might make me seem as a person…

At the same time I updated my eHarmony membership, I also ended up going back to update another dating site that my friend and I signed me up for months ago…I hadn’t paid any attention to it really, since I don’t have the patience to sort through all those matches myself (the benefit to eHarmony being that they do that for you). But – once I had signed in, it must have been reflected in my account because all of a sudden, I got a few messages. Here’s the kicker: one was from X. That’s right – my ex. My profile is extremely vague, with no pictures, so I’m 99.9% confident he didn’t know it was me. And yes – I got some satisfaction from that – and if that makes me a bad person, so be it. I guess because it made me feel like maybe he’s feeling as lonely as I am, and is trying the same non-traditional approaches to trying to meet someone; and X is not someone who admits to being lonely (or any other kind of emotion…AT ALL), so it seems that much more significant. Don’t think the irony isn’t lost on me either – the fact that he thought we’d be a good match. Let’s just say that it didn’t strengthen my faith in online dating! But, with yesterday being an emotional day, I went back to that ever-so-small satisfaction and savoured it…just a little bit.

Today I tried to write my last crush an email to say congratulations on his engagement – not something he’d think was out of the ordinary, since we’d been in touch sporadically. But I kept staring at a blank screen feeling nauseous, not sure what to say without sounding too over the top “I’m-over-you-and-don’t-care-that-you’re-engaged”. I’m not even sure if I’m more upset because it’s him being engaged….or because it feels like it’s everyone else AND him. But I think I need to send the email for me, to close the door for good. I’ve already deleted his contact info out of my cell phone and email, so it seems like the last step to letting go. I guess I’m just really afraid of the message that is bound to come back….

#15 on my Single Girl’s Survival List: I’m vegging out tonight watching 2 hours of The Bachelor and then, The City. Need I say more?


Buyer’s Remorse

It’s only been a few days and already, I’m experiencing buyer’s remorse from my eHarmony membership.

You know when you get drunk and end up with a really, really bad hangover? When you have your head in the toilet and you’re repeating to yourself “I’m never drinking alcohol again”, and thinking that you’d give absolutely anything to make your nausea and pounding headache go away? I’m one of those people who actually remembers that feeling. That’s why I rarely get drunk – I know that I’m going to regret it the next day and be wishing I’d never done it.

Well – the same goes for online dating. After giving it a shot for 6 months, I told myself that I wasn’t going through that again. Sorting through all the ‘matches’ (although few of them seem like matches at all), the emailing back and forth with the same questions over and over, the awkward first date with the small talk conversation, and then the awkward ‘do we, or do we not want to see each other again’ half-conversation. And so far, it hasn’t been worth it, and I can’t even say I’ve really learned anything from the experience(s). Last time, I promised myself that I was done with online dating. I know that many people have found it to be fun, and successful – but my instincts just tell me that this is not the way I’m meant to meet someone. Not because I’m ‘above’ online dating, or that I don’t think it works – but I just don’t feel like it’s the right avenue for me.

But – here I am, going through it again. And so far, the matches I’ve been sent (more than a dozen) are not promising and I remember why I promised myself I wasn’t going to do it again. I find myself saying “Well, he doesn’t sound terrible….so I guess so.” Or “I guess he sounds…alright.” Granted it’s only been a few days, but I went through this for six months before and I just feel like I’m settling for meeting guys who are just…’OK’. Not that there seems to be anything… wrong with any of them….but I feel like they’re just not matches for me…Maybe this makes me sound snobby or arrogant (as perhaps “Anona” would agree) but I don’t care…my blog = my thoughts, and that’s just how I feel. My best friend C. reminded me tonight that I should just look at this as something fun, and stop taking it so seriously. Heck, I don’t even have to keep checking my matches if I don’t want to – C. has committed to keeping me tuned to anyone who is not to be missed. So, since I’m paid up for the next three months, I’ll take her up on it and just try to forget about it.

In other news, an emotional blow today in finding out that my ‘last crush’ (as he’s come to be known in this blog) is now engaged. This shook me up, as I was not at all expecting it, having no idea that he was even seeing anyone. We hadn’t had any communication in months, and although we’re connected in several different ways (via work colleagues and our parents) I had no idea he was no longer single. As shocked as I am, I can’t say I’m surprised as I knew someone like him wouldn’t stay single for long – I was surprised he was even single when I met him. In the short time we were seeing each other, I could see what a kind, genuine and sincere guy he was. Ambitious, family-oriented, fun and just enjoyable to be around. I’ve never gone into the details of this crush in my blog because…well..I never felt for anyone the way I felt for him… and I guess I just wanted to keep it for myself. Truth be told, I was convinced that us not being together was purely a timing thing, and that down the road – it was a possibility. I had never fallen so instantly for someone and had it be mutual – the chemistry AND everything else I always new I wanted in someone. Even in my last relationship, I can’t say I was always 100% secure in how X felt about me….but with this one, it was just easy…and natural…and I never doubted he felt it too. Long story short: the timing wasn’t right and the distance between us (geographically) wasn’t allowing it to work. But needless to say, I had fallen hard – and quick. Very unlike me, which is why I think I thought it might have been something more…

In all fairness, C. reminded me that I never really had the chance to get to know all of him – and that by knowing all these wonderful things about him in a short period of time, I never had the opportunity to learn the ‘not-good’ things; the things that obviously meant he wasn’t the one for me. So, I put him up on a pedestal and haven’t looked down since. Now I’m forced to get closure on it…to give it up. And it sucks. A lot. And I’m crushed. And I’ve had a good long cry, and probably will again. And that’s just how it is. Thank goodness I have a vacay this week to take my mind off things….

P.S. To my best friend C. – thanks for saying all the right things. Love you!


The Single Girl’s Survival List

One of my best friends, L., came by tonight for a catch-up – it’s been more than a month since we’ve seen each other. I was telling her about how I went to see the movie Revolutionary Road on the weekend, and that although it was a bit on the slow side (I found), it painted a realistic picture of marriage that I found to be somewhat refreshing. Don’t get me wrong – I didn’t take pleasure in the fact that the characters in the movie had issues in their marriage, but I like how it showed that no marriage is peachy-keen all the time; that getting married and having children might also mean (for some people) sacrificing some of the dreams/plans you have for yourself. And that’s life – a choice we make.

As we were talking about the movie and some of the things it made me think about, L. told me that she wishes she could have known at what point she was going to meet her husband, J. When I asked her why, she simply said that she probably would have taken advantage of those few extra months that she knew she was going to be single. She couldn’t really pinpoint what she would have done differently, but I wondered if perhaps she missed the mystery and excitement of waiting and wondering, and perhaps would have taken advantage of  some of the opportunities that, let’s face it, only single people have.

Along with the movie, my conversation with L. made me think about the post I’ve been meaning to write about all the reasons that it’s good to be single. I’m thinking that I’ll keep an ongoing list of reasons on my blog, and everytime I come up with one, or experience another reason, I’ll add it to the list via my regular posts. When you get as down about being single as I do, it’s good to have a list like that to go back to so you can remember (and put into practice!) all the reasons that singledom doesn’t suck.

I also went out with my single friend J. this weekend – we come from completely opposite camps. She dates a lot, spent a year on her own in Australia, and really enjoys having fun in her single life. But, she’s afraid that she’s scared of commitment, and will never have a serious relationship. I WISH I could be more like J., and just let loose and have fun, but I’m too aware of looking for someone who will be relationship/commitment potential. Our conversations inevitably end with: “the grass is always greener…” But, everytime I talk to J., she reminds me of what it means to enjoy the single life. Not just when it comes to dating, but having the courage to take advantage of all of  the opportunities that are available; not just as a single girl, but as a woman with no commitments, no one to consult, and the world at her feet. Hopefully making this list will remind me to seize the day and see this silver lining in every situation that would otherwise, get me down about being single. Here we go:

1. I don’t have to consult with anyone about how I spend my money. If I want to go on a trip or buy something, I can, without feeling like there’s an obligation to let someone else spend the same amount to be ‘fair.’

2. My Christmas-buying list is half the size of those who have significant others with two families to buy for.

3. I can watch all the trashy, reality-TV I want without being made fun of, or having to change the channel. I OWN the remote.

4. I don’t get dragged to, or forced to spend money on movies I don’t really want to see.

5. My weekends are entirely my own – I don’t have to incorporate anyone else’s plans and I can say ‘yes or no’ to whatever events I want without consulting anyone.

6. I don’t have to miss any of my family events because I need to split time with ‘in-laws’; especially on the important holidays.

7. I can flirt with whomever I want, whenever I want – without guilt 🙂

8. I can travel anywhere, at anytime – the only person’s schedule and finances I have to worry about is my own.

9. I can apply to jobs or take advantage of any opportunity, anywhere in the world, without having to consider anyone else’s life plans. Hmm….I like this one. I might consider it.

10. Amendment to #7: I can make-0ut with anyone I want – without guilt.

11. I get to enjoy dating and meeting new people. Getting ‘wined and dined’ if you will (Ok – so it’s more like getting treated to a Starbucks coffee, but you get the jist).

12. There’s still some exciting mystery and anticipation about the men I will meet and who could end up being “the one” (if there is such a thing).

13. I still get to experience those first date, first kiss, first crush butterflies – that makes the rest of the dating experiences SO worth the wait.

It’s late, I have to sleep, and this is all I have right now. But stay tuned for my amendments, because I know thre are many more. Feel free to comment or incorporate your own thoughts, and I’ll be sure to add them to my list!


Teenage Wasteland

teenvogueThe other day I got a long Facebook message from my 16-year old cousin who lives in South America. I don’t see her often, but she came here this summer for an extended visit so we spent quite a bit of time together. We did a lot of your typical ‘girl talk’, talking about boys and ‘relationships’ (as much as you can have a relationship when you’re 15) and it was sort of funny to hear her talk about all of the drama that I also remember experiencing at the age of 16.

In her message, she poured her heart out to me about how she and her boyfriend had just recently broken-up. And between the half English/half Spanish and new teen slang that I don’t understand, I could still hear how much she was hurt. Her message switched the light on for me about how heartbreak and relationship drama doesn’t discriminate against age; her bf was acting weird, so she called him out on it. He said he wanted some ‘time’ (which she didn’t give him – good girl!) and how she can’t believe it’s over, she can’t eat or sleep, etc, etc. Of course, it does seem a bit dramatic for the age of 16, but really – it sounds no different than my break-up at the age of 23!

I wasn’t really sure what to tell her. Yes – that it will start to hurt less and less as the days go by, and that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. And that she’s a beautiful, intelligent girl who deserves better than some guy who needs ‘time’ to figure out whether ot not he wants to be with her, and that she did the right thing by breaking up with some guy who doesn’t appreciate her – that there is someone better out there who will meet her, and never want to let her go. Is that any different than what everyone is telling me (someone 10 years older than her) about waiting for the right guy to come along? Nope. Pretty much the same. I also told her that unfortunately, this won’t be her last heartbreak. And that I’d love to say that boys mature as they get older, but I feel like I’m yet to bear witness to that! And that forgetting about boys and concentrating on herself, and on school, is the best thing to do right now.

Getting her message made me think about how sometimes, I do feel like I’ve reverted back to my teenage years again; the ongoing drama with ‘X’, and how I can get so nervous when I meet a cute guy and want him to like me. And how sometimes, being single makes me feel like I’m not good enough or that there’s something wrong with me….the same way I felt in high school having never had a high school boyfriend. It’s amazing how those teenage insecurities can follow us. However, as I was writing my reply to her, I also started thinking that I should probably start believing in (and taking) my own advice. But – what I wouldn’t give for a teenage crush to spice up my life right now!


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