When you’re suffering from a crushing emotional blow or a heartache (like I am right now – and yes – I realize I sound dramatic), sometimes you find yourself celebrating the small victories, or find solace in the small things that otherwise, might not be as significant. In this particular situation, I have to say that I’m taking solace in an ever-so-small victory of my own, despite how ‘small’ it might make me seem as a person…
At the same time I updated my eHarmony membership, I also ended up going back to update another dating site that my friend and I signed me up for months ago…I hadn’t paid any attention to it really, since I don’t have the patience to sort through all those matches myself (the benefit to eHarmony being that they do that for you). But – once I had signed in, it must have been reflected in my account because all of a sudden, I got a few messages. Here’s the kicker: one was from X. That’s right – my ex. My profile is extremely vague, with no pictures, so I’m 99.9% confident he didn’t know it was me. And yes – I got some satisfaction from that – and if that makes me a bad person, so be it. I guess because it made me feel like maybe he’s feeling as lonely as I am, and is trying the same non-traditional approaches to trying to meet someone; and X is not someone who admits to being lonely (or any other kind of emotion…AT ALL), so it seems that much more significant. Don’t think the irony isn’t lost on me either – the fact that he thought we’d be a good match. Let’s just say that it didn’t strengthen my faith in online dating! But, with yesterday being an emotional day, I went back to that ever-so-small satisfaction and savoured it…just a little bit.
Today I tried to write my last crush an email to say congratulations on his engagement – not something he’d think was out of the ordinary, since we’d been in touch sporadically. But I kept staring at a blank screen feeling nauseous, not sure what to say without sounding too over the top “I’m-over-you-and-don’t-care-that-you’re-engaged”. I’m not even sure if I’m more upset because it’s him being engaged….or because it feels like it’s everyone else AND him. But I think I need to send the email for me, to close the door for good. I’ve already deleted his contact info out of my cell phone and email, so it seems like the last step to letting go. I guess I’m just really afraid of the message that is bound to come back….
#15 on my Single Girl’s Survival List: I’m vegging out tonight watching 2 hours of The Bachelor and then, The City. Need I say more?