Posts Tagged ‘engaged

02
Feb
09

All The Small Things

When you’re suffering from a crushing emotional blow or a heartache (like I am right now – and yes – I realize I sound dramatic), sometimes you find yourself celebrating the small victories, or find solace in the small things that otherwise, might not be as significant. In this particular situation, I have to say that I’m taking solace in an ever-so-small victory of my own, despite how ‘small’ it might make me seem as a person…

At the same time I updated my eHarmony membership, I also ended up going back to update another dating site that my friend and I signed me up for months ago…I hadn’t paid any attention to it really, since I don’t have the patience to sort through all those matches myself (the benefit to eHarmony being that they do that for you). But – once I had signed in, it must have been reflected in my account because all of a sudden, I got a few messages. Here’s the kicker: one was from X. That’s right – my ex. My profile is extremely vague, with no pictures, so I’m 99.9% confident he didn’t know it was me. And yes – I got some satisfaction from that – and if that makes me a bad person, so be it. I guess because it made me feel like maybe he’s feeling as lonely as I am, and is trying the same non-traditional approaches to trying to meet someone; and X is not someone who admits to being lonely (or any other kind of emotion…AT ALL), so it seems that much more significant. Don’t think the irony isn’t lost on me either – the fact that he thought we’d be a good match. Let’s just say that it didn’t strengthen my faith in online dating! But, with yesterday being an emotional day, I went back to that ever-so-small satisfaction and savoured it…just a little bit.

Today I tried to write my last crush an email to say congratulations on his engagement – not something he’d think was out of the ordinary, since we’d been in touch sporadically. But I kept staring at a blank screen feeling nauseous, not sure what to say without sounding too over the top “I’m-over-you-and-don’t-care-that-you’re-engaged”. I’m not even sure if I’m more upset because it’s him being engaged….or because it feels like it’s everyone else AND him. But I think I need to send the email for me, to close the door for good. I’ve already deleted his contact info out of my cell phone and email, so it seems like the last step to letting go. I guess I’m just really afraid of the message that is bound to come back….

#15 on my Single Girl’s Survival List: I’m vegging out tonight watching 2 hours of The Bachelor and then, The City. Need I say more?

01
Feb
09

Buyer’s Remorse

It’s only been a few days and already, I’m experiencing buyer’s remorse from my eHarmony membership.

You know when you get drunk and end up with a really, really bad hangover? When you have your head in the toilet and you’re repeating to yourself “I’m never drinking alcohol again”, and thinking that you’d give absolutely anything to make your nausea and pounding headache go away? I’m one of those people who actually remembers that feeling. That’s why I rarely get drunk – I know that I’m going to regret it the next day and be wishing I’d never done it.

Well – the same goes for online dating. After giving it a shot for 6 months, I told myself that I wasn’t going through that again. Sorting through all the ‘matches’ (although few of them seem like matches at all), the emailing back and forth with the same questions over and over, the awkward first date with the small talk conversation, and then the awkward ‘do we, or do we not want to see each other again’ half-conversation. And so far, it hasn’t been worth it, and I can’t even say I’ve really learned anything from the experience(s). Last time, I promised myself that I was done with online dating. I know that many people have found it to be fun, and successful – but my instincts just tell me that this is not the way I’m meant to meet someone. Not because I’m ‘above’ online dating, or that I don’t think it works – but I just don’t feel like it’s the right avenue for me.

But – here I am, going through it again. And so far, the matches I’ve been sent (more than a dozen) are not promising and I remember why I promised myself I wasn’t going to do it again. I find myself saying “Well, he doesn’t sound terrible….so I guess so.” Or “I guess he sounds…alright.” Granted it’s only been a few days, but I went through this for six months before and I just feel like I’m settling for meeting guys who are just…’OK’. Not that there seems to be anything… wrong with any of them….but I feel like they’re just not matches for me…Maybe this makes me sound snobby or arrogant (as perhaps “Anona” would agree) but I don’t care…my blog = my thoughts, and that’s just how I feel. My best friend C. reminded me tonight that I should just look at this as something fun, and stop taking it so seriously. Heck, I don’t even have to keep checking my matches if I don’t want to – C. has committed to keeping me tuned to anyone who is not to be missed. So, since I’m paid up for the next three months, I’ll take her up on it and just try to forget about it.

In other news, an emotional blow today in finding out that my ‘last crush’ (as he’s come to be known in this blog) is now engaged. This shook me up, as I was not at all expecting it, having no idea that he was even seeing anyone. We hadn’t had any communication in months, and although we’re connected in several different ways (via work colleagues and our parents) I had no idea he was no longer single. As shocked as I am, I can’t say I’m surprised as I knew someone like him wouldn’t stay single for long – I was surprised he was even single when I met him. In the short time we were seeing each other, I could see what a kind, genuine and sincere guy he was. Ambitious, family-oriented, fun and just enjoyable to be around. I’ve never gone into the details of this crush in my blog because…well..I never felt for anyone the way I felt for him… and I guess I just wanted to keep it for myself. Truth be told, I was convinced that us not being together was purely a timing thing, and that down the road – it was a possibility. I had never fallen so instantly for someone and had it be mutual – the chemistry AND everything else I always new I wanted in someone. Even in my last relationship, I can’t say I was always 100% secure in how X felt about me….but with this one, it was just easy…and natural…and I never doubted he felt it too. Long story short: the timing wasn’t right and the distance between us (geographically) wasn’t allowing it to work. But needless to say, I had fallen hard – and quick. Very unlike me, which is why I think I thought it might have been something more…

In all fairness, C. reminded me that I never really had the chance to get to know all of him – and that by knowing all these wonderful things about him in a short period of time, I never had the opportunity to learn the ‘not-good’ things; the things that obviously meant he wasn’t the one for me. So, I put him up on a pedestal and haven’t looked down since. Now I’m forced to get closure on it…to give it up. And it sucks. A lot. And I’m crushed. And I’ve had a good long cry, and probably will again. And that’s just how it is. Thank goodness I have a vacay this week to take my mind off things….

P.S. To my best friend C. – thanks for saying all the right things. Love you!

13
Oct
08

Lonely in a Crowd

First of all, Happy Canadian Thanksgiving! Hope that everyone enjoyed a great weekend of good food, good wine, and good company.

I think most people who have been single for a long time would agree that that there’s something about the holidays that makes being single…well..suck. It’s more than just an “I’m-bummed-to-be-single-today” time. It’s especially hard when everyone around you HAS that special person, and you feel like you’re celebrating alone. I’ve found the holidays to be especially tough for me these last couple of years. Despite the fact that I have the most amazing friends and family (and I DID have a great time hanging out with my great group of friends this holiday weekend), I often end up feeling more lonely and alone when I’m in a crowd full of people I know -strange, right?

I know that makes no sense but I really can’t explain it. And my friends and family actually ARE …THE best. Every now and then though, I find myself feeling a little bit like Rachel from “Friends.” You know the one where Monica and Chandler get engaged? And Rachel and Monica get in a fight because Rachel starts making out with Ross in the hallway? And Rachel says to Monica: “I am really, really happy for you guys. But you getting married, just reminds me of the fact that I’m not. I’m not even close.” Well, I guess that’s how I feel sometimes. Out of my close group of 6 friends (plus me), I am the only one not engaged or married. Of course, it goes without saying that I love them all to death and I couldn’t be happier for them. But sometimes it’s difficult for me to deal with the emotion of feeling like I’ve been left behind….that everyone is moving forward with a partner, and I’m still left, waiting to be picked like the last kid in gym class.

But, let me interrupt my own pity party to say one thing – THEY (my friends) don’t make me feel this way; it’s entirely my own issue. They don’t make me feel left out or uncomfortable. They don’t flaunt PDA or make me feel like a 3rd (or 7th) wheel. They always include me in what’s going on, despite the fact that having me there throws off the teams for games night, or I need a separate bill for the meal -LOL. They never think NOT to include me. I am lucky that way – there’ so many people who meet new “couple” friends and end up leaving their single friends out because they’re afraid he/she will feel awkward. Like I said, my friends are the best. And even though it’s difficult to b alone in a crowd of couples, I wouldn’t give up my friends for anything.

So yes – I’m giving into a pity party this weekend. Sometimes, you just feel bummed about being single. But, thank God for my Mom. Anytime I start to feel down or lonely about being single (and it happens more than I’d like to admit!), she lets me cry on her shoulder without getting annoyed. Even when I start to feel silly and stupid about about it (as I do almost every time), she still lets me talk about it. And when I get to that point where I start to think I’m going to be single for the rest of my life, she believes in it for me. So – shout-out to my Mom! You’re the best 🙂




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