Posts Tagged ‘Ex

22
Feb
11

I have no title for this post…..kind of at a loss for words.

I knew the day was going to come eventually, but I’m not sure I knew how soon it would come or how I would feel when it did. But, it came nonetheless and now I have to face it.

X is getting married.

Yep.

As in, engaged, proposed to, having a wedding.

After all of the intense and complicated feelings I’ve been working really hard to deal with over the past few years when it comes to X, I truly didn’t know how’d I’d react when this reality came to fruition (as I knew it would). He’s been dating someone for about a year and a half, and while I sincerely questioned the seriousness of their relationship initially (no one around him, nor myself, ever thought this could possibly go anywhere), I also remember the day that I thought to myself: “This is different.” I could feel it. I knew that he was more serious about her than anyone thought. Maybe it’s because I could see how he was different with her than he was with me. But even so, there was a big part of me that was in denial about it. His family doesn’t like her. His friends don’t like her. And X never struck me as the kind of person that would settle down with someone that the people close to him didn’t really warm to. Turns out, not the case.

All this being said, my relationship with X has changed drastically over the last year and a half – for the better. And I think it’s because the change in our relationship actually become the LACK of one, and that has been better for me than I could have expected years ago. I NEVER thought I’d get to the point where I didn’t want X in my life. Never in a million years. But after a lot of work on myself, and a lot of soul-searching – I DID finally get there. Quite frankly, the scale tipped almost too much the other way; I’d give anything to just have X out of the picture, non-existant. But, it will never be the reality. As long as I’m friends with B&C, and as long as Mr. C is such an important part of both of our lives – he’s going to be there, and so will she. *(Recap: B is X’s sister. Her and her hubby C are two of my closest friends. Mr. C is their 8-month old and current love of my life).

X called to tell me the news himself. As soon as he said he had news he wanted me to hear straight from him, I knew what it was. I also knew it was coming. I told a few friends about two weeks prior that I could just……feel it. That it was coming (Pisces intuition maybe). It didn’t make me any more prepared for the news though, and it didn’t make it any less difficult. I appreciate that X called to tell me himself. I think he knew it would be difficult for me as he had a hard time getting the right words out. I didn’t let on that I was emotional – probably the best acting job of my life. But his phone call somewhat re-instilled the belief I’d lost, that he DID love and care about me at one point.

As I’ve tried to clarify on this blog many times before, these feelings don’t stem from X himself. I’d never get back together with him in a million years. Instead, these mixed emotions stem from everything X ever represented for me; the only person who, to this day, has ever loved and cared about me in that way. Given how completely and utterly disenchanted and hopeless I feel about ever finding somebody, this felt like kind of a nail in the coffin. It almost feels like this is fulfilling the belief I have that finding love is going to happen to everyone around me, except me. I’m sure there’s more to it as well. The intensity of my feelings regarding this news seem too heightened to not have more going on behind the scenes…..I’m still working on figuring that out though.

On top of it all, I have a tremendous amount of guilt. If I’m being totally honest, I relish the fact that no one in X’s life approves of this relationship or thinks he’s making a good decision. And the more I hear it, the more satisfied I feel. I know it’s only human nature to feel that way about an X (I guess); who doesn’t want to be the person that everyone measures her against? But, it makes me feel like a horrible human being.

I called C in an emotional mess when I found out. All I kept thinking was “How am I going to get though this?” “When is it ever going to stop?” Thank God for best friends. I always find myself questioning what I would do without C., and in this situation, she stepped up to the plate. What more can I say except that the next year will be a tough road, and I’m not sure how I’d get through it without a friend like C (and my Mom). For now, one day at a time….

After a day or two of wallowing in self-mourning, I started to feel better. That part of me that remembers why I don’t WANT to be with X started to take over again. I found myself handling the situation much better than I thought I would (first two days excluded of course). Funnily enough, I also feel a very tiny sense of relief. That maybe this will force some closure that’s been a really long time coming. I’d like to believe it’s not because I’m in denial (not sure yet…..) but it’s been less painful to think about and I’ve been able to hear about some of the details without freaking out or getting emotional. B&C will be in the wedding party so there’s no way I’ll be able to avoid details. It is a bit like a bad train wreck though; I want to know all the details while at the same time, not knowing any at all. Not sure how that’s going to go…..so far, hearing the details of certain things has not been as terrible as anticipated (I reiterate…..so far). That being said, the emotions come and go in waves – as intense and unpredictable as the waves of a tsunami.

Time will tell what happens when I see X. A hug and congratulations will be obligatory. And provided I can keep myself together emotionally (using those acting skills again….), I think it will be OK and probably the hardest part of the whole thing.

The question remains of whether or not I will be invited to the wedding. X and I were very close friends and have a history that is much longer than the time we were a couple. At the same time, we’ve distanced ourselves enough in the last year or so that it’s possible he won’t. That same history has been what’s separated us, and maybe for the better. I’ll cross that bridge if we come to it.

So, a lengthy, emotional update from my side. Guess I had more words than I thought……

20
Jan
10

Insanity

The other day my brother and I were having a random conversation about some stuff and he came out with these wise words of wisdom: “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

Of course these weren’t my brother’s words of wisdom, they were Albert Einstein’s. But I thought to myself – how true. For me, this quote applies specifically to my addiction (dare I say, recovering addiction?) with X, and I’m sure that many of you out there can relate this to past relationships you’ve had as well; hoping and hoping that things will change, determined that he IS this great guy underneath, and that eventually he’ll see the light and realize how lucky he is to have you (whether it’s as a girlfriend, or in my case, as a friend). But no matter what we do, he won’t change. And I’ve finally learned that. I’ve stopped expecting X to behave any differently than he has in the past – why would he? I would keep doing the same things expecting him to react differently – but his reactions and responses never changed. Insanity I tell ya!

And now, I don’t really care about his reactions and responses because per Albert Einstein’s advice, I finally changed what I was doing when it comes to X. What have I been doing? Absolutely NOTHING. No phone calls. No emails. No texts. No visits. And this sanity feels pretty darn good…

19
Jan
10

Find Me Somebody To Love

(Love that song, especially the version they did on Glee).

So, I’m seriously considering giving the online dating thing another go. I’ve been toying with the idea of getting back on eHarmony for about a week or so now. Maybe because they have a good deal on right now, or because it’s hard to resist the couples on those commercials who look so freakin’ happy, and do a damn good job of convincing me that – yes- my perfect match is out there, just waiting for me to find him. The thing that keeps stopping me is the ridiculous frustration and discouragement that have followed my last several attempts at online dating (or really, dating in general). I swore that I would NEVER do it again. It almost felt worse than not dating at all because some of the matches I saw made me go: “Are you kidding me? This is the best that’s out there?!” Or, I’d go on a few dates, and like every other guy since X and my last crush, there’d be absolutely no chemistry or interest on my end whatsoever.

Given that, I’ve been on a self-imposed dating diet for quite some time now. And as much as I remain incredibly discouraged about dating and my seeming inability to even develop a ‘crush’ on someone, I figure that I’m not getting any further by throwing in the towel on dating all together either. I’m not ready to commit to online dating again just yet, but I’m thinking about it.

Going back and reading some of my older posts about my online dating experiences and thoughts are not helping the cause right now….I’d better give it a few more days…

16
Jan
10

Resolution Recap

So- we’re about two weeks into the New Year; time to take stock of how the resolutions are going.

I’ve cooked one new recipe in the crockpot – Beef and Cabbage. I guess it was healthy….didn’t have any of the condensed soups filled with sodium that seem to be in every other crockpot recipe I’ve found. Probably wouldn’t make it again though, as I didn’t find it all that flavorful. I borrowed a Healthy Recipes crockpot book from my friend J., so I’m hoping to photocopy some recipes from that and get my groove on with the cooking. There’s nothing like getting home after a long day and having dinner already made. If I don’t have a man to do it, a crockpot seems like the next best thing….

Spinning. Nope. Haven’t attempted the non-beginner’s class yet, and haven’t done the two-a-week. I am blatantly failing at this resolution. However, I have added two other additional classes to my workout schedule so I feel as though that balances it out a bit – and I’m feeling good. The two new classes are a combination of cardio AND strength training so at least I feel like I’m killing two birds with one stone. I didn’t realize it would be so hard to get back into shape after being off for just two weeks, but MAN! That first class back was brutal.

Getting my finances in order. This is going well. I’ve set up an automatic payment plan to start paying my parents back, and am saving the wee bit of extra cash (from the raise I negotiated for myself back in the fall – : ) into a tax-free savings account. Feeling good about where I stand here for now, and hoping it will stick…

X. This is still a work in progress but it IS progressing – even if I have to consciously work on it. It’s been quite some time since X and I have talked or emailed, and I’m really starting to see that it is better this way. Much better, actually. I still hate to admit that – it feels like I’ve failed at having a friendship with X but I’m starting to see why it’s better that I don’t. He’s still dating his gf, and as much as I hate to admit it, it does give me a wee bit of satisfaction that B&C have confided to me that they don’t like her – at all. I’m not surprised as even the little I’ve seen them together, something is off. X is lonely and digging his own hole – it’s not up to me to save him anymore. How he deals with his own loneliness is entirely up to him. I’m nervous that we’re going to start seeing each other weekly now, as our dodgeball league starts this week. It’s been so long since I’ve even talked/seen him that I know it will be awkward, but I’m determined not to  let the fact that I have to see him weekly set me back. I feel like I’m at a place now where at least I’m taking 2 steps forward and 1 step back, as opposed to 1 step forward and 2 back. That’s progress.

How are your resolutions going?

P.S. May I also just add that I will be touching down in Vancouver three weeks today. UBER excited to be volunteering at the Olympics in my home country!!!

06
Jan
10

A New Year….

Another New Year.

I have to admit that I’m one of those people who buys into the hype of New Year’s resolutions, and starting fresh. While I hate the overrated activities of New Year’s Eve (it really IS just another day), there is something about January 1st that is generally encouraging and hopeful. Some people say, “But you can start fresh any day – it’s all in the attitude” – and I agree. But you have to admit that there is something about a new year that just makes it easier to start…well…new.

I am also a believer in New Year’s resolutions. Yes, many don’t keep, but some do and have helped me a lot. Lots of my fellow bloggers have been listing some of their New Year’s resolutions so I figured I’d do the same. The trick is to tell someone what they are (this makes you a bit more accountable), and make them small things that are achievable in steps. So, mine are (in no particular order):

– Up my once a week spinning class to two per week. Within this resolution, attempt a non-beginners class.
– Find new recipes for the crockpot and use it more. Within this resolution, find healthy recipes.
– Get my finances in order. This means paying back my folks, and putting more in savings each month.
– Stop worrying so much about what other people will think if I do, or don’t do, X or Y. (Baby steps on this; one person and one decision at a time…)
– Recover, heal, close-off, find peace, recuperate, detox…whatever it is, to put my relationship with X behind me for good. Within this resolution, celebrate the baby steps I achieve in this process. (Opting out of B&C’s New Years house party, for the second year in a row, was a good start here…)
Lastly, when struggling with being single and being lonely, remember and BELIEVE these words from my cousin, E: “The things you wish for will come your way – that is a guarantee. But, they won’t come until they’re meant to come.  You wouldn’t want it any other way because life has a way of unfolding in the way it is supposed to and if you try to force it to do something other than that, things turn messy.”

It’s hard to imagine what’s going to transpire for me over this next year. My Olympic experience will no doubt be life-changing. And at the same time, I’m trying to approach this year with no expectations – I’m not hoping for anything special, or convincing myself that this is the year that this, or that, is going to happen. I’m going to just focus on me, and what I’m doing in the moment – what will be, will be. (Although easier said than done, me thinks!)

So – best of luck with your New Year’s resolutions! I’ll try and keep you posted on mine as the year goes on….which reminds me, I should also add “Blog more regularly” to my list of resos!

11
Oct
09

Spoke too soon

As per my previous post, I may have jinxed myself.

I apparently thought I was OK with the whole X/GF situation. But regardless of whether I am or  not, going to a wedding where you are single and your ex is there with a new girlfriend, SUCKS. And unfortuantely, going home alone after it is even worse. Not feeling in a fesitve, Thanksgivingy mood….

05
Oct
09

I might be OK

I write this title hesitantly, because everytime I think I’m “OK” when it comes to any issues relating to X, I inevitably jinx myself, something dramatic happens and I find that I am indeed, NOT OK. However, I can cautiously, confidently say that I am the most “OK” with my X issues than I think I have ever been. The night of C’s surprise party (as incredibly difficult as it was) was a turning point for me, as was the conversation I had with my Mom afterwards about how me being upset about X having a girlfriend is really just an excuse to be upset about me being single. I finally got it. And for the first time in I don’t know how long, I actually don’t miss X. I don’t feel like calling him. I don’t want to email him. I don’t care about trying to get together to ‘catch-up’. For the first time, I don’t crave a ‘friendship’ with him. I think I have finally ‘got’ what a jerk he actually is. AND – I’ve witnessed it.

Hanging out at B&C’s this past Saturday night, X showed up with his new GF. I can honestly say that I don’t even know what her voice sounds like – she didn’t speak a world all night, and is painfully shy. The worst part about it was that X didn’t even try and include her or make her feel comfortable – he acted as though she wasn’t even there! I found myself questioning whether or not he even LIKES this girl. And I have to say, that I felt really bad for her – she was clearly uncomfortable, and I’d generally be the one to try and include someone like that in conversation but I knew that it couldn’t be me who took that step. From the night of C’s surprise party, I predicted that she was the type of girl that was going to let X walk all over her – and it was clear from his actions Saturday night that I am definitely right.

My very limited conversation with X on Saturday night (which he initiated) was definitely somewhat awkward. I want to act like everything is a-ok and normal, and at the same time, I think I still have a lot of anger towards him for treating me like crap so I DON’T want him to think that things are a-ok. I don’t doubt that the way X and his gf interact with each other has made it a bit easier for me to swallow this pill too, in conjunction with the fact that I finally see what an a** he is and just feel sorry for the girl that ends up with him. I don’t feel threatened by her or think that this relationship is going anywhere, which I can’t lie – makes it easier to take. But if that is the first baby step I have to take on the road to being “OK” when he DOES meet the right one, than it’s definitely a step in the right direction. My best friend C identified the light-bulb moment for me the other night when she said “You don’t have a relationship with X. You have a habit.” She couldn’t be more right. My “friendship” with him has been a habit; an addiction that I have had to WORK at breaking.  And although I’m not sure I’m 100% there yet, I’m definitely getting closer, which makes me hope that I’m closer to letting someone else in.




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