Posts Tagged ‘hopeful

30
Dec
10

Holiday Shmoliday

Sigh. The most dreaded holiday for all singleton’s is upon us. New Year’s.

I’ve never been a big fan of New Year’s even when I wasn’t single. It’s ALWAYS way too much hype and expectation; so much time thinking about what plans should be, where to go, what to do. I bring it on myself I guess, since I go through the same struggle year after year: do I do the annual house party at B&C’s with my bestest friends, yet all the same couples that we see year after year? Or, try something different and more my age with my VERY limited selection of single friends (2 to be exact).

I was feeling a little bit of guilt this year because I have skipped B&C’s party the last two years – not to mention the fact that there’s part of me that, of course, wants to spend NYE with my group of best friends. But, for whatever reason – my anxiety level goes sky high when I go to that party. This year will probably be 10 times better because X won’t be there, but at the same time, being there with 8-10 other couples is not a great way for an emotionally-messed up single person to start off the New Year. Already, my anxiety has been building about it all week….

I briefly explained to B&C (with few details) about why I find NYE at their place so hard – it’s not only because of the number of couples there, but also because every NYE, I wonder what events will transpire over the next year. And every year for as long as I can remember, there’s always that glimmer of hope that next NYE – I won’t be at the party alone. And that glimmer of hope has NEVER materialized. So every time I go there and relive the same party, with the same people, year after year – I don’t feel like much like celebrating because it feels like nothing has, or ever will change. And then I just become a downer and don’t have a good time. At least when I do something new and/or different (especially with some young, single people), I can forget about it for awhile and it doesn’t feel so much like New Year’s….it’s more of a fresh start. Maybe this is more my rambling than making sense, but it’s the only way I can explain it.

Another contributing factor to my anxiety right now, is that I’m feeling really anxious about the New Year – I think it will be one of the most challenging years for me. I have taken on an additional job teaching, which terrifies me to my very core. I question my decision to do it every day not only because it’s new, but because of the workload. I will have a new boss starting in March – someone whose working style I don’t respect and someone who I’m not a huge fan of personally. I’m going in with an open mind, but it will be a challenge. And, my roommate of three years is graduating and leaving me this year. Despite the minor annoyances, she’s been a great roommate and I’m struggling with whether or not to go it on my own financially, or risk having another roommate who ends up being a nightmare. Additionally, another couple in our friend group is having a baby. I worry about what this event will do in terms of changing my friendships with the people who are closest to me. The dynamics in our group will change dramatically, now that half the couples have children and I fear that I’ll only start to feel older than I already do.

Lastly, my little brother is getting married. It’s probably one of the most emotional challenges I’ll face this year. Not only because it’s difficult to be the older, single sister, but because it denotes a significant life change for both of us; where there’s now a fork in the road and he’s starting down a completely different path than me. A grown-up one 🙂 Adjusting to the way our relationship will change and getting used to the idea of him having a ‘separate’ life apart from our family, is a tough thought to grasp. Luckily, I am gaining a remarkable sister-in-law who has become an awesome addition to our family – I couldn’t have asked for someone more perfect for my brother and I am convinced there’s not another soul in this world who could make him any happier. Nonetheless, getting my head around this idea will be a tough, emotional challenge this year…..

Wow – writing that all out has upped my anxiety level about New Year’s 10 fold! LOL.

On a happier note (since this seems to have become kind of a ‘downer’ post), I went back and re-read my resolutions from last year. Surprisingly, I’m happy to report that I did very well with almost all of them. Some are goals that I have to keep working at – but the most critical ones (healing my issues with X, increasing my gym time, and making more of my own decisions) – I would argue I’ve been pretty successful at.

Not quite sure yet what my resolutions are for this year. But I can tell you that after writing out all the challenges I’m getting ready to face, getting through this year emotionally unscathed is probably at the top of my list!

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18
Mar
10

All it takes is a boost…

I’m back!

My Olympic adventure was incredible. But, I spent so much time blogging about it that I needed a blogging “break” when I came home. I’ve spent the last week settling back in, and getting used to regular routine again. Being away for four weeks and having this experience was awesome, to say the least – and it has been difficult adjusting to ‘normal life’ after such a high.

However, my experience in Vancouver was not without it’s “single girl stories”….

You may remember from one of my past posts that a psychic told my Mom that I was destined to meet a guy in February 2010. That premonition came true, but not in the way that I had anticipated. My first day of work, I met L.; a 42-year old French-Canadian from Montreal. We hit it off from the get-go, spending most of our shifts cracking each other up, sharing stories and enjoying the awesome cocktails and cuisine of Vancouver with fellow volunteers after our shifts. I felt more comfortable with L. than I have felt with another guy in years, and we developed a great friendship. On his last night in Vancouver, L. treated me to a great ‘date’ night: we went to a fancy Italian restaurant, ordered champagne and wine, and topped the evening off at a piano bar (and more champagne). The french-gentleman that he is, L. wined and dined me that evening (the french do this VERY well!), and I didn’t really realize until then how much I enjoyed that kind of attention! Maybe because it was without pretense or the intention of ‘showing-off’ – but it was really nice to be treated like a lady for one evening. Despite our age difference (and the fact that Luc has a live-in girlfriend), we became very close friends, and he’s someone that I’m sure I’ll keep in touch with. Above all else, I truly believe that I was meant to meet L. during this experience. My relationship with him showed me that there ARE great guys out there who I can get along with, feel comfortable with, and who like me “just the way I am” (to quote from one of my favourite movies, Bridget Jones’ Diary). Not to mention the fact that I was shown that chivalry is not dead, and it doesn’t make me a ‘needy’ girl if I like to be spoiled every now and then.

Fresh off my ‘romantic’ (if you would call it that) evening with L., I did something that I have never done before. While out for dinner with my 50-something year old aunt, and our 70-something year old cousins (who hosted us while in Vancouver), we were waited on by a very cute, very nice, very sweet waiter. We chatted quite a bit with him in between courses and from the little we found it about him, it seemed we had a lot in common. It wasn’t long before my dining companions were pushing me to give him my phone number/business card; and pushing, and pushing (at my resistance, because I am WAY to shy for stuff like that). Well, after a few glasses of wine and my aunt threatening to give him my number anyway – I ACTUALLY did it myself! I left the restaurant with no regrets, and feeling kind of indifferent about whether or not he contacted me or not – I was just really proud of myself for taking that step because at the ripe old age of 28, I can honestly say that I don’t think I’ve ever volunteered my number to a guy.

The next day was the gold medal game and while I awoke with a renewed boost of confidence, I had completely forgotten about the events at the restaurant the night before; my efforts were focused on finding the best place to watch the game! Imagine my surprise when I started receiving text messages from a Vancouver number that I didn’t recognize. After responding once, I simply stopped, convinced that this mystery texter had the wrong number. It was until later that afternoon when I was on my way back to the house for dinner that it donned on me – the mystery texter was my waiter from the night before! Well, once I realized that and finally responded, we ended up corresponding for about an hour or so, and again in the morning on my way to the airport (yes – I met him on my second-last night in Vancouver). After telling him that I was turning my cell phone off during my vacay week in Hawaii, I honestly expected never to hear from him again – after all, we pretty much live on opposite sides of the country. So, I was pretty shocked after opening my phone five days later to find a very sweet text, inquiring as to how I was enjoying Hawaii and joking at the fact that I had obviously cracked on my ‘no cell phone rule.’ Now – this is not par-for-the -course for me based on my previous dating experience; I don’t remember the last time that I was ever pursued by someone I liked so receiving this text was a huge confidence booster. And it felt nice to know that someone was actually thinking about me!

Upon my return home, I contacted “Waiter” and we texted back and forth for awhile. Until – he asked that critical question: “Do you have a boyfriend?” This is it, I thought. I’m not making it up. It’s not in my head. Distance aside – he’s interested. He’s actually interested – in ME! With that in my head, yet not knowing what his intentions were behind the question, I answered: “Nope. You?” To which HE replies. “Yep. Have a girlfriend.” Uhhh…..say what now?

Well, needless to say I shut-down that conversation pretty quick and haven’t looked back. And despite my mild disappointment with the situation (really, we barely had 10 minutes total of ACTUAL conversation), it was another confidence booster and I see it as simply another example of something that was just meant to happen to me. The fact that I even GAVE someone my number was a big step for me, and now I know I can do it – and it really wasn’t that big of a deal. So what if some stranger doesn’t call me? I’m out nothing but a little hurt pride. Lack of confidence, especially when it comes to guys, is something I have always struggled with and I definitely feel like it’s been holding me back. So, between my experiences with L. and Waiter, I’m feeling a wee boost in my confidence and hoping it will stick.

03
Feb
10

Single Life

Dear blog,

I hope you are not feeling neglected. I have been negligent in fulfilling my New Year’s resolution to write to you more; I have been busy preparing for my Olympic adventure! Please forgive me. I may be taking a blog-hiatus for a few weeks while I live out my bucket list!

There, now that that’s out of the way….

Although I spend a lot of time on this blog venting about all the things that suck about being single (and there is a lot of material on that!) I do, every now and then, try to focus on the advantages that come with this way of life as well. I was recently reminded of one such advantage, when I spontaneously decided to tack on an extra week to my Olympic adventure, and spend some time visiting a friend of mine in Hawaii. Vancouver is already half-way there, and so I figured – why not? I have the means, I have the vacation time, and I have the desire to do it (really, who doesn’t have the desire to go to Hawaii). Sure, there were plenty of reasons I shouldn’t – can I afford to take three more days off work after already taking three weeks? Is there other things that I should be spending/saving my money for? (Even though I got a very good deal on the flight and it was cheap relatively speaking, it still set me back a bit). And logistically, can I pack for three weeks in Vancouver followed by a week in the tropics?

But in taking a page from The Buried Life – who knows where we’ll be tomorrow? Sure I might be able to go to Hawaii another time, but maybe not. So when these kinds of opportunities present themselves, I’m learning that sometimes it’s best to throw caution to the wind a little bit, and just go for it. That’s not to say I agree with spending money frivolously or doing things without considering the consequences, but spontaneity is the spice of life! And I never want to look back and think “What if?” I doubt I’ll get back from Hawaii and wish that I hadn’t decided to spend a relaxing week on the beach. One of my favourite lines from RENT goes: “Forget regret, or life is yours to miss. No day but today.”

Of course, being single makes ‘being spontaneous’ a bit easier to execute. No other person’s plans to consider, and no finances to worry about but your own. At the same time, sometimes I find myself questioning whether or not many of the assumptions I made about my life when I was younger, will actually come to fruition – so I feel this need to sometimes act impulsively, for fear that I might lose opportunities and experiences that in the past, I’d foreseen happening under different circumstances. Many of my friends are in the marriage/house-buying/baby-making stage, and travel is a rather low priority at this point in their lives. So, who knows how long I’d have to wait before someone wanted/was willing/was able to take a trip like this with me? I never used to be a spontaneous person, but in the last few years, I’ve started looking at life a bit differently….

I truly believe that the only things certain in life are death and taxes; no point waiting for something that might never happen. “Get busy living, or get busy dying” – as ‘they’ say. And, travel is something that is really important to me; whether it’s a weekend away to someplace I’ve never been to or an overseas trip abroad, I think it’s really important to see life beyond the ‘bubble’ that we live in each day (I have my Contiki experience to thank for that outlook). It’s a big priority for me while I’m still living the single life – I have plenty of time for all the other grown-up stuff. And because I’ve already filled this post with philosophical quotes about life, here’s another one I love: “The world is a book. Those who do not travel, read only a page.”

So, I leave you with the wisest quote of all: Just do it.

20
Jan
10

Insanity

The other day my brother and I were having a random conversation about some stuff and he came out with these wise words of wisdom: “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

Of course these weren’t my brother’s words of wisdom, they were Albert Einstein’s. But I thought to myself – how true. For me, this quote applies specifically to my addiction (dare I say, recovering addiction?) with X, and I’m sure that many of you out there can relate this to past relationships you’ve had as well; hoping and hoping that things will change, determined that he IS this great guy underneath, and that eventually he’ll see the light and realize how lucky he is to have you (whether it’s as a girlfriend, or in my case, as a friend). But no matter what we do, he won’t change. And I’ve finally learned that. I’ve stopped expecting X to behave any differently than he has in the past – why would he? I would keep doing the same things expecting him to react differently – but his reactions and responses never changed. Insanity I tell ya!

And now, I don’t really care about his reactions and responses because per Albert Einstein’s advice, I finally changed what I was doing when it comes to X. What have I been doing? Absolutely NOTHING. No phone calls. No emails. No texts. No visits. And this sanity feels pretty darn good…

06
Jan
10

A New Year….

Another New Year.

I have to admit that I’m one of those people who buys into the hype of New Year’s resolutions, and starting fresh. While I hate the overrated activities of New Year’s Eve (it really IS just another day), there is something about January 1st that is generally encouraging and hopeful. Some people say, “But you can start fresh any day – it’s all in the attitude” – and I agree. But you have to admit that there is something about a new year that just makes it easier to start…well…new.

I am also a believer in New Year’s resolutions. Yes, many don’t keep, but some do and have helped me a lot. Lots of my fellow bloggers have been listing some of their New Year’s resolutions so I figured I’d do the same. The trick is to tell someone what they are (this makes you a bit more accountable), and make them small things that are achievable in steps. So, mine are (in no particular order):

– Up my once a week spinning class to two per week. Within this resolution, attempt a non-beginners class.
– Find new recipes for the crockpot and use it more. Within this resolution, find healthy recipes.
– Get my finances in order. This means paying back my folks, and putting more in savings each month.
– Stop worrying so much about what other people will think if I do, or don’t do, X or Y. (Baby steps on this; one person and one decision at a time…)
– Recover, heal, close-off, find peace, recuperate, detox…whatever it is, to put my relationship with X behind me for good. Within this resolution, celebrate the baby steps I achieve in this process. (Opting out of B&C’s New Years house party, for the second year in a row, was a good start here…)
Lastly, when struggling with being single and being lonely, remember and BELIEVE these words from my cousin, E: “The things you wish for will come your way – that is a guarantee. But, they won’t come until they’re meant to come.  You wouldn’t want it any other way because life has a way of unfolding in the way it is supposed to and if you try to force it to do something other than that, things turn messy.”

It’s hard to imagine what’s going to transpire for me over this next year. My Olympic experience will no doubt be life-changing. And at the same time, I’m trying to approach this year with no expectations – I’m not hoping for anything special, or convincing myself that this is the year that this, or that, is going to happen. I’m going to just focus on me, and what I’m doing in the moment – what will be, will be. (Although easier said than done, me thinks!)

So – best of luck with your New Year’s resolutions! I’ll try and keep you posted on mine as the year goes on….which reminds me, I should also add “Blog more regularly” to my list of resos!

15
Dec
09

Merry Christmas Charlie Brown

I’m sitting here on the couch watching A Charlie Brown Christmas on TV – an old, childhood favourite. Suddenly, it donned on me. I AM CHARLIE BROWN.

Charlie Brown: I think there must be something wrong with me, Linus. Christmas is coming, but I’m not happy. I don’t feel the way I’m supposed to feel. I just don’t understand Christmas, I guess. I like getting presents and sending Christmas cards and decorating trees and all that, but I’m still not happy. I always end up feeling depressed.

Linus: Charlie Brown, you’re the only person I know who can take a wonderful season like Christmas and turn it into a problem.

AMAZING how a cartoon character can summarize exactly what I’m feeling at this exact point in time. Thank you Charles Schulz.

Christmas is tough when you’re single. There’s just no getting around it, really. I used to really love Christmas. I was one of those ‘annoying’ people who played Christmas carols 24/7, couldn’t wait to decorate, and would start the Christmas countdown in November. As I’ve gotten older, the holiday build-up and excitement has slowly started to wain, and now I just find the whole thing too emotionally draining. I can’t blame it on the singleness alone – I think that as we get older, that whole ‘magic’ of Christmas tends to fade a bit, but being lonely certainly doesn’t help. And I am lonely.

Here’s a question. Why are the most emotionally difficult holidays all grouped together? Christmas, New Year’s, Valentine’s Day, and for me, my birthday. BRUTAL. When you’re single, you can’t not feel alone when everyone around you is happily in love and enjoying the holidays with significant others. I even find it difficult to enjoy time with family over the holidays because I am now the only grandchild on both sides of my family who is STILL single (with lots of cousins). I HATE that this is what I inevitably end up focusing on this time of year, but it’s like everything I do and everywhere I go, I’m reminded of the fact that I’m alone. I’m lucky to have friends and family, and I know many people don’t. But at the same time, I find it so easy to feel lonely in a crowded room these days…

Do any of you single folks out there agree with me that the regularity of the holidays is part of what makes it so hard year, after year? Each of these holi-days is an anniversary of the ones before. So inevitably, I find myself thinking about where I’m going to be at this time next year, and where I was at this time last year – and year, after year I find myself hoping that 365 days from now, I will have someone special in my life to share the holidays with. Six years running, I have been disappointed. I find it hard to stay positive…

Keeping me going are my plans for New Year’s. Although my European trip fell through (VERY long story that ended in a canceled flight with a $450 cancellation fee), my friend JD and I decided to stay a little closer to home and booked a 3-day trip to Quebec City; the “Europe” of Canada 🙂 I am torn about missing the annual party at B&C’s as I missed it last year as well. But, I’m not emotionally strong enough to handle it at this point in time and as much as I will miss the party and all my friends there, I’m looking forward to celebrating New Year’s with a great friend.

Despite this ‘pity party’ post (and I realize it IS just that, but that’s why I created this blog for ME), I am going to do my very best to work on keeping myself happy this holiday season, as was reminded by my fellow blogger Mel. In the mean time, I’ll leave you with this little thought from my Charlie Brown friend, Linus:

“I never thought it was such a bad little tree. It’s not bad at all, really. Maybe it just needs a little love.”

19
Nov
09

Do YOU Believe?

The subject of this post is really two-fold.

First, “Do you believe?” happens to be the slogan for CTV’s promos for the Olympic games. Why does this matter? Well, I just found out that I was offered a volunteer position at the Olympics!!! AMAZING. This is really a dream come true for me; to actually participate in the Olympic Games in my home country. I’ll be traveling from Ontario to BC for just over 3 weeks in February, and I absolutely can’t wait. Definitely a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and I’m so glad I took a chance and went for this!

Now – the second idea behind this post is the idea of psychics. That’s right, psychics.

A few weeks ago, my mom went to an event where there was a psychic as a guest speaker. Halfway through her presentation, she turned to my Mom (who was sitting just off to the side) and said abruptly: “I need to talk to you after.” So, when she was finished, the psychic came over to my Mom and basically said that although she knows her daughter (ME) has been going through some rough times in the last couple of years (very true), that things were going to turn around for me in 2010 and it will be my year; she sees me doing some traveling (true), and says that in February 2010, I’m going to meet someone and he will be the “one”. She also proceeded to tell my Mom a few more things about myself and my brother, all eerily accurate. AND – she also recalled some things from my mom’s past, that very few people are privy to. So….

I certainly don’t plan on living my life based on what this woman has said. But – I’d by lying if I said I didn’t find myself a little….relieved? I kind of feel like I can just let it go for awhile, you know? Not think about it. And if it doesn’t happen – well it doesn’t happen. But if it does? I won’t have spent these last few months dwelling on it. Of course, I should be able to do this – let it go that is – without the guidance/predictions of a psychic;  but I guess there’s just something kind of reassuring about it that gives me that extra bit of belief….weird? Yes. Harmful? No.

So, do YOU believe?




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