Posts Tagged ‘Lonely

04
Feb
11

Alone

Sometimes….

Coming home after a really long and crappy day to an empty house with no one there…

SUCKS THE BIG ONE.

The end.

31
Dec
10

A New Year’s Eve note to all my Single readers….

What some of you non-blog writers might not know, is that WordPress provides stats on the number of blog views and referring sites or search terms – how people find our blog or a specific post.

After my post about New Year’s Eve yesterday, I noticed a few search terms that led to/referred my blog. They were:

“I hate New Year”

“going out on nye with all couples and being single”

“‘new year’s eve’ ‘three couples’ ‘lonely'”

“single and alone on NY”

Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I am NOT the only single person struggling with being alone/lonely on  New Year’s Eve. (Duh).

I may not have a lot of single friends, and especially not ones that struggle emotionally with being single the way that I do. But, it doesn’t mean that there aren’t thousands of millions of strangers out there who know exactly what I’m feeling. And some of them are you, readers.

So you know what? When the clock strikes midnight, I will be thinking about all of you out there; our ‘single society’ of people who are not really alone – because we’re all together in that too.

So, thanks for coming along on this journey with me and for reading. Happy New Year…..here’s to YOU 🙂

12
Dec
10

acting our age

I’m starting to feel old.

I’m only 28 (29 in March). To me, this is NOT old. In fact, I would consider myself to be a “young professional.” But things are happening around me that are really starting to make me feel like I’m living in a time warp; one that’s warping me forward…

I’ve said before on this blog that I’m surrounded by an unusual group of friends; unusual in the sense that all three couples around me have been together since their high school/early university days. So, it’s NOT unusual that they have gotten married and are now in the stage of parenthood (one couple with a baby, and one couple with one on the way). As you can imagine, the transition from having friends, to having friends who are parents, has been an interesting one. B&C have done really well with the adjustment, and it seems our social life as remained some semblance of normalcy since Mr.C (as we affectionately call him) was born. But now that L&J are pregnant (side note: they just turned 26 and 27) and Mr.C is getting a bit older, things are starting to change.

I don’t remember the last time we all went out and had drinks. Actually, I don’t remember that last time we all went out AT ALL! Our Saturday nights typically consist of us gathering at somebody’s house, maybe watching a hockey game and playing some board games. And B&C’s annual NYE party will be the same this year as it has been for the last seven years – a get together at their place with the same people (99% of whom are couples). I haven’t gone for the last 2 years, partly because X has been there and partly because it just got too emotionally difficult to be the only single person there. And don’t get me wrong, I’m all for not spending a fortune on NYE, which to me – is really just another day. But at the same time, wouldn’t it be nice for us to switch it up? Spend a little money one night, get dressed up and celebrate like we’re actually IN our 20s and not in our 40s???  This leaves me torn between wanting to do something more our age – like a hip party at a swanky hotel (my option this year), and wanting to spend NYE with my favourite friends. The problem is, I will never get to do both.

And it’s not just New Year’s. I had a Christmas party this weekend – I have thrown it every year for the last five, and it’s always a late-night/early morning good time. This year? Half of my guests were gone by 11:30pm. B&C had to go home with Mr C. and L&J (the pregnant couple) were tired as well, so….

I understand that this is what life is like when you have a baby, so I can’t blame them. But all it made me think about was how this is the direction that our lives are headed, and I’m not sure where that’s going to leave me in a couple of years. I feel soooooo far away from parenthood, and am feeling really sad thinking about how I’m going to fit in once the babies continue to come. Already, ALL conversations turn to baby or pregnancy. And THAT makes me feel old. And as much as I could take that in stride when it was about everybody else’s wedding, the baby talk is much, much harder to take because it’s a constant reminder that my friends are moving farther and farther away from the life I’m living. No one talks about dating, or what they did last Saturday night, a cute guy they met, or a cool party or new restaurant they tried.  I worry about how I will maintain these close friendships when I’m starting to feel such a large invisible age gap and our interests and lives are starting to go in different directions.

I mean, we have SO MUCH TIME for house parties and early nights. Should I be feeling old at age 28?? Am I the only one who thinks that 26 is young to be having babies?? Am I crazy for wishing that sometimes, we would act our age?

06
Jan
10

A New Year….

Another New Year.

I have to admit that I’m one of those people who buys into the hype of New Year’s resolutions, and starting fresh. While I hate the overrated activities of New Year’s Eve (it really IS just another day), there is something about January 1st that is generally encouraging and hopeful. Some people say, “But you can start fresh any day – it’s all in the attitude” – and I agree. But you have to admit that there is something about a new year that just makes it easier to start…well…new.

I am also a believer in New Year’s resolutions. Yes, many don’t keep, but some do and have helped me a lot. Lots of my fellow bloggers have been listing some of their New Year’s resolutions so I figured I’d do the same. The trick is to tell someone what they are (this makes you a bit more accountable), and make them small things that are achievable in steps. So, mine are (in no particular order):

– Up my once a week spinning class to two per week. Within this resolution, attempt a non-beginners class.
– Find new recipes for the crockpot and use it more. Within this resolution, find healthy recipes.
– Get my finances in order. This means paying back my folks, and putting more in savings each month.
– Stop worrying so much about what other people will think if I do, or don’t do, X or Y. (Baby steps on this; one person and one decision at a time…)
– Recover, heal, close-off, find peace, recuperate, detox…whatever it is, to put my relationship with X behind me for good. Within this resolution, celebrate the baby steps I achieve in this process. (Opting out of B&C’s New Years house party, for the second year in a row, was a good start here…)
Lastly, when struggling with being single and being lonely, remember and BELIEVE these words from my cousin, E: “The things you wish for will come your way – that is a guarantee. But, they won’t come until they’re meant to come.  You wouldn’t want it any other way because life has a way of unfolding in the way it is supposed to and if you try to force it to do something other than that, things turn messy.”

It’s hard to imagine what’s going to transpire for me over this next year. My Olympic experience will no doubt be life-changing. And at the same time, I’m trying to approach this year with no expectations – I’m not hoping for anything special, or convincing myself that this is the year that this, or that, is going to happen. I’m going to just focus on me, and what I’m doing in the moment – what will be, will be. (Although easier said than done, me thinks!)

So – best of luck with your New Year’s resolutions! I’ll try and keep you posted on mine as the year goes on….which reminds me, I should also add “Blog more regularly” to my list of resos!

15
Dec
09

Merry Christmas Charlie Brown

I’m sitting here on the couch watching A Charlie Brown Christmas on TV – an old, childhood favourite. Suddenly, it donned on me. I AM CHARLIE BROWN.

Charlie Brown: I think there must be something wrong with me, Linus. Christmas is coming, but I’m not happy. I don’t feel the way I’m supposed to feel. I just don’t understand Christmas, I guess. I like getting presents and sending Christmas cards and decorating trees and all that, but I’m still not happy. I always end up feeling depressed.

Linus: Charlie Brown, you’re the only person I know who can take a wonderful season like Christmas and turn it into a problem.

AMAZING how a cartoon character can summarize exactly what I’m feeling at this exact point in time. Thank you Charles Schulz.

Christmas is tough when you’re single. There’s just no getting around it, really. I used to really love Christmas. I was one of those ‘annoying’ people who played Christmas carols 24/7, couldn’t wait to decorate, and would start the Christmas countdown in November. As I’ve gotten older, the holiday build-up and excitement has slowly started to wain, and now I just find the whole thing too emotionally draining. I can’t blame it on the singleness alone – I think that as we get older, that whole ‘magic’ of Christmas tends to fade a bit, but being lonely certainly doesn’t help. And I am lonely.

Here’s a question. Why are the most emotionally difficult holidays all grouped together? Christmas, New Year’s, Valentine’s Day, and for me, my birthday. BRUTAL. When you’re single, you can’t not feel alone when everyone around you is happily in love and enjoying the holidays with significant others. I even find it difficult to enjoy time with family over the holidays because I am now the only grandchild on both sides of my family who is STILL single (with lots of cousins). I HATE that this is what I inevitably end up focusing on this time of year, but it’s like everything I do and everywhere I go, I’m reminded of the fact that I’m alone. I’m lucky to have friends and family, and I know many people don’t. But at the same time, I find it so easy to feel lonely in a crowded room these days…

Do any of you single folks out there agree with me that the regularity of the holidays is part of what makes it so hard year, after year? Each of these holi-days is an anniversary of the ones before. So inevitably, I find myself thinking about where I’m going to be at this time next year, and where I was at this time last year – and year, after year I find myself hoping that 365 days from now, I will have someone special in my life to share the holidays with. Six years running, I have been disappointed. I find it hard to stay positive…

Keeping me going are my plans for New Year’s. Although my European trip fell through (VERY long story that ended in a canceled flight with a $450 cancellation fee), my friend JD and I decided to stay a little closer to home and booked a 3-day trip to Quebec City; the “Europe” of Canada 🙂 I am torn about missing the annual party at B&C’s as I missed it last year as well. But, I’m not emotionally strong enough to handle it at this point in time and as much as I will miss the party and all my friends there, I’m looking forward to celebrating New Year’s with a great friend.

Despite this ‘pity party’ post (and I realize it IS just that, but that’s why I created this blog for ME), I am going to do my very best to work on keeping myself happy this holiday season, as was reminded by my fellow blogger Mel. In the mean time, I’ll leave you with this little thought from my Charlie Brown friend, Linus:

“I never thought it was such a bad little tree. It’s not bad at all, really. Maybe it just needs a little love.”

02
Dec
09

Cuts Like A Knife

Sometimes, the littlest or most random thing will make the loneliness of being single so painful, it’s almost unbearable. As ‘dramatic’ as that may sound, I know that I can’t be alone in this.

I believe there’s a huge difference between being alone and being lonely. I LOVE being alone actually (most of the time). Sometimes, I can’t wait for my roommate to go home on the weekends so that I can have the place to myself. And for all the times that I wish I had someone to come home to and tell about my day, I probably enjoy coming home to an empty place even more. But – it doesn’t mean I’m not lonely.

The other night I went to the movies with B and C. They went in to get seats while I got in line for some popcorn. As they turned to walk into the theatre, C grabbed B’s hand; a tiny little gesture that was pretty insignificant. Aside from the fact that B & C are almost never affectionate with other, for some reason, this particular scene triggered something that made me stop – and stare at them from a distance as they headed away from me. In that moment, the longing to have someone just hold my hand was so overwhelming, I almost burst into tears right there in the concession line. The pain of loneliness was so palpable at that moment, triggered by something that is so natural and “everyday” for so many people.

I can’t even remember the last time I felt that kind of intimate affection from someone; a kiss, holding hands, cuddling, a deep hug, sex (I don’t even want to admit how long THAT’S been), a hand on my cheek, the small of my back, or my knee – the craving to feel someone touch me with gentleness and affection is killing me. And more than that, the fear and uncertainty of how much longer I will have to go without it is too much for my mind, and my heart, to take.

30
Oct
09

and then there was one

It’s official. My friends are married. I am now the only single in our group of 9. C&A’s wedding was absolutely beautiful – stunning. And I had a ton of fun. It also marked my last (and 6th) duty as a bridesmaid/maid of honour. It’s a lot of work and time being in a wedding, but the day-of is always so much fun. So, as excited as I am to be done with the stress of the costs and planning, it’s strange not to have a wedding to look forward to being in. Actually, for the first time in I don’t know how long, I don’t have ANY weddings on my calendar – none to be in, and none to go to. I think my bank account could use the break 🙂

Lonely_boat_by_jordanrusevOf course, now that these weddings are over – all talk has turned to babies. I didn’t think it would happen so fast, but the couples that I know have been together for a long time (since high-school for most of them), and many of them living together for awhile so they don’t see the need to wait. As excited as I am for my friends to start this part of their lives, it’s hard not to feel like they’ve set sail on a ship that I’m not on; like I’m on a completely different ship, going in the opposite direction.

As bad as this might sound, I was actually looking forward to getting back to our ‘normal’ lives and conversations again – we’ve had three weddings in our group in the last year and a half, so there’s been a lot of wedding talk. A LOT. Don’t get me wrong – I enjoyed helping two of my best friends plan their weddings. But, I find it difficult sometimes to continually have conversations about things that don’t apply to me, or that I can’t contribute to. Already, talk has turned to the dos and don’ts of pregnancy, getting pregnant, having babies etc, etc so it feels like the cycle is starting all over again.

As a 27 year-old single woman, I want to talk about the dos and don’ts of dating, and work, and careers and travel – so I can’t help but feel like I’m at a completely different life stage than the rest of my friends. I love going out with my single girlfriends (the two that I have!) We have much more in common, and share similar stories and can relate to each other – not just about being single, but about our interests, our plans, our jobs etc. The good thing is that I’m content with that – I don’t want to get married right now. I don’t want to be pregnant. I don’t want to be at that life stage yet. I want do the ‘single things’ now, and save the other stuff for later; there’s still plenty of time for me to do all that. But it scares me – because I’m afraid that these differences in interests, and life stages and conversations are going to separate me from my other, very close friends. Because as happy as I am for them, it’s difficult. It’s difficult to feel like I’m behind – when really – I’m not! But they now have all these shared experiences in common, and I don’t. And while I can’t imagine not being there when the babies start arriving, I’m feeling a little left out; like the rest of them will have these common bonds and experiences that I can’t share in. I’m sure my fears are unwarranted, but it’s hard to say what will happen – friends have gone their separate ways over much less. Funny part is, I don’t have this fear about my relationships with each couple individually; I only find it difficult when we’re all in a group and talking about this kind of stuff.

Safe to say, the relationship dynamics of our group will probably change – but here’s hoping that my friends will let me take a sail on their boat once and awhile, and hopefully they’ll want to sail on mine.




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