Posts Tagged ‘Marriage

22
Feb
11

I have no title for this post…..kind of at a loss for words.

I knew the day was going to come eventually, but I’m not sure I knew how soon it would come or how I would feel when it did. But, it came nonetheless and now I have to face it.

X is getting married.

Yep.

As in, engaged, proposed to, having a wedding.

After all of the intense and complicated feelings I’ve been working really hard to deal with over the past few years when it comes to X, I truly didn’t know how’d I’d react when this reality came to fruition (as I knew it would). He’s been dating someone for about a year and a half, and while I sincerely questioned the seriousness of their relationship initially (no one around him, nor myself, ever thought this could possibly go anywhere), I also remember the day that I thought to myself: “This is different.” I could feel it. I knew that he was more serious about her than anyone thought. Maybe it’s because I could see how he was different with her than he was with me. But even so, there was a big part of me that was in denial about it. His family doesn’t like her. His friends don’t like her. And X never struck me as the kind of person that would settle down with someone that the people close to him didn’t really warm to. Turns out, not the case.

All this being said, my relationship with X has changed drastically over the last year and a half – for the better. And I think it’s because the change in our relationship actually become the LACK of one, and that has been better for me than I could have expected years ago. I NEVER thought I’d get to the point where I didn’t want X in my life. Never in a million years. But after a lot of work on myself, and a lot of soul-searching – I DID finally get there. Quite frankly, the scale tipped almost too much the other way; I’d give anything to just have X out of the picture, non-existant. But, it will never be the reality. As long as I’m friends with B&C, and as long as Mr. C is such an important part of both of our lives – he’s going to be there, and so will she. *(Recap: B is X’s sister. Her and her hubby C are two of my closest friends. Mr. C is their 8-month old and current love of my life).

X called to tell me the news himself. As soon as he said he had news he wanted me to hear straight from him, I knew what it was. I also knew it was coming. I told a few friends about two weeks prior that I could just……feel it. That it was coming (Pisces intuition maybe). It didn’t make me any more prepared for the news though, and it didn’t make it any less difficult. I appreciate that X called to tell me himself. I think he knew it would be difficult for me as he had a hard time getting the right words out. I didn’t let on that I was emotional – probably the best acting job of my life. But his phone call somewhat re-instilled the belief I’d lost, that he DID love and care about me at one point.

As I’ve tried to clarify on this blog many times before, these feelings don’t stem from X himself. I’d never get back together with him in a million years. Instead, these mixed emotions stem from everything X ever represented for me; the only person who, to this day, has ever loved and cared about me in that way. Given how completely and utterly disenchanted and hopeless I feel about ever finding somebody, this felt like kind of a nail in the coffin. It almost feels like this is fulfilling the belief I have that finding love is going to happen to everyone around me, except me. I’m sure there’s more to it as well. The intensity of my feelings regarding this news seem too heightened to not have more going on behind the scenes…..I’m still working on figuring that out though.

On top of it all, I have a tremendous amount of guilt. If I’m being totally honest, I relish the fact that no one in X’s life approves of this relationship or thinks he’s making a good decision. And the more I hear it, the more satisfied I feel. I know it’s only human nature to feel that way about an X (I guess); who doesn’t want to be the person that everyone measures her against? But, it makes me feel like a horrible human being.

I called C in an emotional mess when I found out. All I kept thinking was “How am I going to get though this?” “When is it ever going to stop?” Thank God for best friends. I always find myself questioning what I would do without C., and in this situation, she stepped up to the plate. What more can I say except that the next year will be a tough road, and I’m not sure how I’d get through it without a friend like C (and my Mom). For now, one day at a time….

After a day or two of wallowing in self-mourning, I started to feel better. That part of me that remembers why I don’t WANT to be with X started to take over again. I found myself handling the situation much better than I thought I would (first two days excluded of course). Funnily enough, I also feel a very tiny sense of relief. That maybe this will force some closure that’s been a really long time coming. I’d like to believe it’s not because I’m in denial (not sure yet…..) but it’s been less painful to think about and I’ve been able to hear about some of the details without freaking out or getting emotional. B&C will be in the wedding party so there’s no way I’ll be able to avoid details. It is a bit like a bad train wreck though; I want to know all the details while at the same time, not knowing any at all. Not sure how that’s going to go…..so far, hearing the details of certain things has not been as terrible as anticipated (I reiterate…..so far). That being said, the emotions come and go in waves – as intense and unpredictable as the waves of a tsunami.

Time will tell what happens when I see X. A hug and congratulations will be obligatory. And provided I can keep myself together emotionally (using those acting skills again….), I think it will be OK and probably the hardest part of the whole thing.

The question remains of whether or not I will be invited to the wedding. X and I were very close friends and have a history that is much longer than the time we were a couple. At the same time, we’ve distanced ourselves enough in the last year or so that it’s possible he won’t. That same history has been what’s separated us, and maybe for the better. I’ll cross that bridge if we come to it.

So, a lengthy, emotional update from my side. Guess I had more words than I thought……

30
Oct
09

and then there was one

It’s official. My friends are married. I am now the only single in our group of 9. C&A’s wedding was absolutely beautiful – stunning. And I had a ton of fun. It also marked my last (and 6th) duty as a bridesmaid/maid of honour. It’s a lot of work and time being in a wedding, but the day-of is always so much fun. So, as excited as I am to be done with the stress of the costs and planning, it’s strange not to have a wedding to look forward to being in. Actually, for the first time in I don’t know how long, I don’t have ANY weddings on my calendar – none to be in, and none to go to. I think my bank account could use the break 🙂

Lonely_boat_by_jordanrusevOf course, now that these weddings are over – all talk has turned to babies. I didn’t think it would happen so fast, but the couples that I know have been together for a long time (since high-school for most of them), and many of them living together for awhile so they don’t see the need to wait. As excited as I am for my friends to start this part of their lives, it’s hard not to feel like they’ve set sail on a ship that I’m not on; like I’m on a completely different ship, going in the opposite direction.

As bad as this might sound, I was actually looking forward to getting back to our ‘normal’ lives and conversations again – we’ve had three weddings in our group in the last year and a half, so there’s been a lot of wedding talk. A LOT. Don’t get me wrong – I enjoyed helping two of my best friends plan their weddings. But, I find it difficult sometimes to continually have conversations about things that don’t apply to me, or that I can’t contribute to. Already, talk has turned to the dos and don’ts of pregnancy, getting pregnant, having babies etc, etc so it feels like the cycle is starting all over again.

As a 27 year-old single woman, I want to talk about the dos and don’ts of dating, and work, and careers and travel – so I can’t help but feel like I’m at a completely different life stage than the rest of my friends. I love going out with my single girlfriends (the two that I have!) We have much more in common, and share similar stories and can relate to each other – not just about being single, but about our interests, our plans, our jobs etc. The good thing is that I’m content with that – I don’t want to get married right now. I don’t want to be pregnant. I don’t want to be at that life stage yet. I want do the ‘single things’ now, and save the other stuff for later; there’s still plenty of time for me to do all that. But it scares me – because I’m afraid that these differences in interests, and life stages and conversations are going to separate me from my other, very close friends. Because as happy as I am for them, it’s difficult. It’s difficult to feel like I’m behind – when really – I’m not! But they now have all these shared experiences in common, and I don’t. And while I can’t imagine not being there when the babies start arriving, I’m feeling a little left out; like the rest of them will have these common bonds and experiences that I can’t share in. I’m sure my fears are unwarranted, but it’s hard to say what will happen – friends have gone their separate ways over much less. Funny part is, I don’t have this fear about my relationships with each couple individually; I only find it difficult when we’re all in a group and talking about this kind of stuff.

Safe to say, the relationship dynamics of our group will probably change – but here’s hoping that my friends will let me take a sail on their boat once and awhile, and hopefully they’ll want to sail on mine.

22
Oct
09

Friend.

My best friend is getting married on Saturday. And I can’t wait.

Despite the fact that I have had somewhat of an emotionally tough time making it through weddings this year, this one gives me no trepidation or anxiety whatsoever. I am beyond excited to celebrate this day with them, and even more excited that I get to be a part of it as C’s Maid of Honour. She has picked a great guy – and I’m so lucky that A. has become such a good friend to me as well. It’s great that I get to cap off my bridal party duties (this is number six) with two of my favourite people.

I really struggled trying to write my speech because C. has been such an amazing friend to me, and I wasn’t sure I could find the words to tell her just how much her support means to me. I hope that I have. There are a few surprises up my sleeve as well 🙂

C. is going to be the most beautiful bride ever – AND – she has the classiest taste, so I know that everything is going to look fantastic. She had a bit of bad luck today, and I am praying that things will work themselves out by Saturday. She deserves to have this day be perfect.

I love you C. and I can’t wait for Saturday!

04
Jun
09

Settle down, or just settle?

gottliebI’ve never been one who believes in settling. My Slim Pickins post is proof of that. I’ve always believed in holding out for that person who will be your friend, your lover and your partner – someone you click with mentally, emotionally and physically. My friends and family would probably say I’m a helpless romantic actually. But I have to wonder where all of my hopeless romanticism comes from. I mean – let’s face it. From the time you’re old enough to understand images and words, you’re bombarded with fairytales and movies about nice pretty ladies and princesses finding their prince charming. Heck – this continues into your teen years! So how can single women NOT be hopeless romantics? We’re waiting for the ONE – the ONE that gives us butterflies, and leaves us speechless, and sweeps us off our feet, and wants to marry us, and….. isn’t a jerk. I believe in that – I truly do.

But….

Is it realistic to think that it’s going to happen to all of us? Statistically, I mean. I believe (now, more than ever) that finding someone who will love you, and want to be with you for the rest of your life, is a gift. And you truly are lucky, if out of a universe of six billion people on this planet, you actually meet and connect with the person who fulfills you and will love you no matter what – and that those feelings are mutual between you. So yes – with those odds, I can’t truly say that I believe that kind of love (and I’m not even talking marriage) will happen for all of us.

So – what’s a single girl to do? It’s true that it could happen for me – but no one really knows. And at the end of the day, sometimes I DO think that I’d rather just settle than be single. Not now of course – I know I’m still young. But if push came to shove, and 10 years from now I was still alone, I’m not sure I could honestly say that I wouldn’t think about it. Although I’ve been a big advocate of not settling, I read a really interesting and intriguing article the other day that made me look at ‘settling’ in a different light. We all know that our lives aren’t fairytales. Maybe I’m never going to meet someone who has ALL of the things I’m looking for. So, if I have to sacrifice “the spark” to be with someone I care about, have fun with, and would be willing to have a partnership with – then is that really so bad? Or maybe we have great physical chemistry, but aren’t always on the same page emotionally. Having someone to share things with, enjoy life with and grow old with – whether we get married, or just agree to commit to each other? Passion, sparks, romance – over time, this diminishes anyway, and marriages and partnerships are never perfect all the time. There will always be rough patches where people want out. So, why is settling with someone who’s maybe just a friend, any different than having a less than perfect relationship (as most relationships are)? Maybe there’s a point where we have to make the decision to be alone or be happy – some of us can make the two mutually exclusive and some of us can’t. And although I’m truly undecided on this topic, I’m starting to think that there’s nothing wrong with either….

I encourage you to read Lisa Gottlieb’s article and let me know what you think.

03
May
09

Single Bitter Female

I’m starting to witness one of my worst fears coming true. Being single for this long is starting to make me bitter and cynical. Nobody wants to be this way of course, and the worst part about it is that who’s going to want to date me if I’m bitter and cynical? But, as time goes on and the loneliness becomes increasingly palpable, it’s hard to keep believing in the whole thing – love, partnership, marriage even…

The more I think about romantic love as a concept, the more I start to think about how impossible and big it really seems for me. My parents have a wonderful marriage, and my friends are marrying, or are married to, some of the best guys that I know. It’s not that I doubt that these are wonderful, and loving relationships. I just have a really hard time wrapping my head around the fact that it will ever happen to me. Your family is born loving you. Your friends grow to love you, and those relationships can last a lifetime. But the thought of someone growing to love me to the extent that he would want to spend every day for the rest of his life with me, just seems kind of unbelieveable. Because I feel this way, I find myself just….wishing that I wasn’t bombarded with”it” all the time. I went to a friend’s wedding shower this weekend, and it was hard. I find that sometimes I’m completely fine, and sometimes, the uncertainty of it all hits me harder than I expect. I found myself holding back tears at some points in the afternoon, as I started thinking: “I don’t think this will ever be me.” I started having a hard time swallowing all the stupid wedding jokes, and the cheesey questions about when ‘she’ knew ‘he’ was the one, and what ‘she’ loves most about ‘him’ etc. I was internally rolling my eyes throughout the whole thing, as we passed the gifts of mixing bowls, place settings and bath towels around. It’s the one thing I hate about not being invovled in a wedding or wedding shower planning – nothing to keep me distracted from my own emotional instability!

I don’t want to be bitter and cynical – I don’t think anyone does. But it gets harder and harder the more I’m surrounded by people who are finding those special people for their lives. I’ve been single for almost FIVE YEARS. People I know have lapped me on relationships more than once over! It’s frustrating when I feel like I’m a good catch, and I know that I could grow to love someone, more than anything – love is all or nothing with me. And yet, I feel like I’ll never get to share that with anyone – and to be honest, some days….it just doesn’t feel fair. So when it doesn’t feel fair, I feel like being bitter and is the only other way for me to deal with it – like it will make me start to convince myself that I DON’T really want to be in some sappy, all-consuming relationship with someone, and then I’ll actually start to believe it. I’m not sure if this is making any sense readers, and I’m suddenly starting to feel really vulnerable having put all this out there.

At the end of the day, I’m lonely and bitter. And I want not to be either.

08
Apr
09

…and Guest.

wedding-inviteOk – why is it that two such tiny, insignificant words on a wedding invitation can send me into a bitter state of annoyance? It’s not like I’ve never got ‘and Guest’ on a wedding invitation before, but I’m usually IN the wedding party and therefore don’t really feel affected by the need to have someone else there with me. I get to sit at the head table (ex. not with other couples) and have duties to fulfill that keep my mind occupied. I’ve also been invited to a lot of weddings where I haven’t got an ‘and Guest’ – mostly because I come from a HUGE immediate family on my mom’s side, and an Italian family on my Dad’s side – so with so many people, it’s not unusual for many of us not to get an ‘and Guest’ unless you’re in a long-term, serious relationship. But, the other day I got one of my first ‘and Guest’ wedding invitations for two friends of mine, where I am NOT in the wedding party and will have no family there. I’m not sure if it was just the day I was having, or the mood I was in, but I immediately started to dread having to go to the wedding alone, and for no sane or legitimate reason whatsoever….felt frustrated and annoyed.

It could be worse – the wedding is for two friends of mine, and pretty much all of my best friends will be there (B&C at the head table, and C&A at my table). But I know I’ll also be stuck at a table with D&J – that couple from high school that I can’t stand. And probably the significant others of the other peeps in the wedding party. Knowing that my best friend C. and her fiancee A. will be at my table is an immediate relief – but being the only single one at a wedding can be pretty depressing. If I thought this wedding was an opportunity to meet someone, it wouldn’t be so bad – but this definitely isn’t that type of wedding.

I’m dreading it so much that I’ve actually considered asking X to be my date. (All my friends and family who are reading this are cringing right now…I know). But, I’ve been his ‘back-up’ date to weddings before, and he knows this couple (in addition to his sister and brother-in-law who will also be there) so it wouldn’t be completely random. What would this accomplish? Uhh…mostly just remind me that I’m not the only single person left in the world in a moment where everyone I know is in the process of committing their life to someone (oh…AND give me someone to slow dance with). What else would this accomplish? Well – he will probably disappoint me with his less than enthusiastic behavior about being there, will be miserable all night, bail early, and will probably end up making me feel worse that I invited him….resulting in me, once again, remembering why breaking up was the best decision we ever made.

Yep – definitely not a good idea. ….but ugh.

27
Jan
09

The Single Girl’s Survival List

One of my best friends, L., came by tonight for a catch-up – it’s been more than a month since we’ve seen each other. I was telling her about how I went to see the movie Revolutionary Road on the weekend, and that although it was a bit on the slow side (I found), it painted a realistic picture of marriage that I found to be somewhat refreshing. Don’t get me wrong – I didn’t take pleasure in the fact that the characters in the movie had issues in their marriage, but I like how it showed that no marriage is peachy-keen all the time; that getting married and having children might also mean (for some people) sacrificing some of the dreams/plans you have for yourself. And that’s life – a choice we make.

As we were talking about the movie and some of the things it made me think about, L. told me that she wishes she could have known at what point she was going to meet her husband, J. When I asked her why, she simply said that she probably would have taken advantage of those few extra months that she knew she was going to be single. She couldn’t really pinpoint what she would have done differently, but I wondered if perhaps she missed the mystery and excitement of waiting and wondering, and perhaps would have taken advantage of  some of the opportunities that, let’s face it, only single people have.

Along with the movie, my conversation with L. made me think about the post I’ve been meaning to write about all the reasons that it’s good to be single. I’m thinking that I’ll keep an ongoing list of reasons on my blog, and everytime I come up with one, or experience another reason, I’ll add it to the list via my regular posts. When you get as down about being single as I do, it’s good to have a list like that to go back to so you can remember (and put into practice!) all the reasons that singledom doesn’t suck.

I also went out with my single friend J. this weekend – we come from completely opposite camps. She dates a lot, spent a year on her own in Australia, and really enjoys having fun in her single life. But, she’s afraid that she’s scared of commitment, and will never have a serious relationship. I WISH I could be more like J., and just let loose and have fun, but I’m too aware of looking for someone who will be relationship/commitment potential. Our conversations inevitably end with: “the grass is always greener…” But, everytime I talk to J., she reminds me of what it means to enjoy the single life. Not just when it comes to dating, but having the courage to take advantage of all of  the opportunities that are available; not just as a single girl, but as a woman with no commitments, no one to consult, and the world at her feet. Hopefully making this list will remind me to seize the day and see this silver lining in every situation that would otherwise, get me down about being single. Here we go:

1. I don’t have to consult with anyone about how I spend my money. If I want to go on a trip or buy something, I can, without feeling like there’s an obligation to let someone else spend the same amount to be ‘fair.’

2. My Christmas-buying list is half the size of those who have significant others with two families to buy for.

3. I can watch all the trashy, reality-TV I want without being made fun of, or having to change the channel. I OWN the remote.

4. I don’t get dragged to, or forced to spend money on movies I don’t really want to see.

5. My weekends are entirely my own – I don’t have to incorporate anyone else’s plans and I can say ‘yes or no’ to whatever events I want without consulting anyone.

6. I don’t have to miss any of my family events because I need to split time with ‘in-laws’; especially on the important holidays.

7. I can flirt with whomever I want, whenever I want – without guilt 🙂

8. I can travel anywhere, at anytime – the only person’s schedule and finances I have to worry about is my own.

9. I can apply to jobs or take advantage of any opportunity, anywhere in the world, without having to consider anyone else’s life plans. Hmm….I like this one. I might consider it.

10. Amendment to #7: I can make-0ut with anyone I want – without guilt.

11. I get to enjoy dating and meeting new people. Getting ‘wined and dined’ if you will (Ok – so it’s more like getting treated to a Starbucks coffee, but you get the jist).

12. There’s still some exciting mystery and anticipation about the men I will meet and who could end up being “the one” (if there is such a thing).

13. I still get to experience those first date, first kiss, first crush butterflies – that makes the rest of the dating experiences SO worth the wait.

It’s late, I have to sleep, and this is all I have right now. But stay tuned for my amendments, because I know thre are many more. Feel free to comment or incorporate your own thoughts, and I’ll be sure to add them to my list!




Archives

Blog Stats

  • 30,435 hits