Posts Tagged ‘online dating

03
Dec
10

Seriously!? Seriously.

There should be a book of etiquette for dating. Seriously.

I was on another unofficial dating diet over the summer. Not only was I super busy and preoccupied by the newest love of my life (B&C had a little baby boy in June who has completely stolen my heart), but I also was feeling no urge to deal with all the annoying discouragement that often accompanies the process of online dating (which is feeling like the ONLY opportunity to meet any single men these days).

But in early Fall with some encouragement from my folks, I DID end up giving eHarmony another go. And shortly before my 3-month subscription expired, I started corresponding with this guy who was super cute, and who I seemed to really hit it off with. We had tons in common, and for the first time in my entire online dating experience, I found myself being really excited to get an email from him and was eager to meet in person. And when we did? He was JUST as cute in person as in his pictures and we had a really fun date, with lots to talk about. T. seemed a little full of himself and there were some other very minor red flags raised but I enjoyed his company and was looking forward to another date.

T. continued to text, call and email me over the next few days – but in our conversations, he never said anything about getting together again. So, taking matters into my own hands, I proposed another date and we met for a movie. T. held my hand during the movie and was being really sweet. But when we went out for coffee after, I got the vibe that he wasn’t really…’there’. He kept looking around, and just didn’t seem that interested in what I was saying. I left slightly confused but nonchalant about it – I enjoyed our date and was willing to go out again, but if he didn’t call – I wasn’t going to be crushed either. I got the sense that T. was not someone I was destined to have a serious relationship with but we seemed to be enjoying each other’s company, he made me laugh, and he was the first guy I had dated in…..years….who didn’t make me want to run the other way if he tried to hold my hand or kiss me. I was heading on vacation for a week and a half and figured I’d just see what happened.

To my surprise, T continued to keep in touch and went on about what a great time he’d had on our date (Me thinking: REALLY!? Were we on the same date?) But – cool – I thought. I got in touch when I was back from vacay, and we made a date for the Friday of the following week. T. implied that he was eager to see me – even though it was ME who had to, once again, initiate making the actual date. I was going away for a long weekend and he was going to be travelling on business during the week so it was a week and half before we would see each other again.

Well, did I ever hear from T again? NOPE. After sending one text and one Facebook message over the week we wouldn’t see each other, I never heard anything back. And when Friday rolled around for our date? NADA. I was slightly disappointed because even though I wasn’t pining for T., I WAS kind of looking forward to a fun little fling. It has been SO LONG since I’ve had ANY kind of feeling for ANY guy so I was kind of willing to go with the flow on this one….

But seriously!? You initiate all of our conversations, say you’re disappointed that it will be so long before you see me and yet stand me up for a date with no explanation at all and stop returning ANY of my messages!? What an ass. If you’re not interested in me, that’s fine. I’m not all that interested in you either! But at least have the courtesy and manners to have SOME kind of communication with me. Make up an excuse for crying out loud! I don’t even care! But at least acknowledge that we went on a couple of dates and you led on as though you were interested. No matter how few dates I’ve gone on with someone, I ALWAYS make that difficult contact letting them know I’m not interested. The least he could do was make up a lie!

But….

Imagine my surprise when T. caught me off guard while I was in the car early this week – calling me to “see how things were going.” Did he acknowledge that he got my message(s)? Yep. Did he apologize for not responding? No. Did he acknowledge missing our date? No. He went on as though NOTHING had happened and that it HADN’T been two weeks since we’d talked! Had I had access to caller ID while driving I would NOT have answered the phone. But, maybe it was better this way because the conversation was certainly awkward and I purposefully let there be awkward silence. I was just so stunned that he didn’t even acknowledge the fact that he had all but ignored me for two weeks. He talked about how he’d been commuting, but come on buddy – you have a Blackberry for crying out loud. And I had seen him active on Facebook throughout the week so I KNEW he’d gotten that message.

Needless to say, I got out of the conversation quickly and I doubt I’ll be hearing from him again. Fine by me. I can acknowledge when someone is not into me and I’m a firm believer in listening to the advice in “He’s Just Not That Into You” (Yes, I’m a big supporter of this book – because all of this advice has proven to be true!) And a guy who can’t even come up with some kind of creative excuse as for why he hasn’t called or doesn’t have the kahonas to even respond to my phone calls or texts, is not even worth the fling.

Adios T…..on to the next….sigh.

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19
Jan
10

Find Me Somebody To Love

(Love that song, especially the version they did on Glee).

So, I’m seriously considering giving the online dating thing another go. I’ve been toying with the idea of getting back on eHarmony for about a week or so now. Maybe because they have a good deal on right now, or because it’s hard to resist the couples on those commercials who look so freakin’ happy, and do a damn good job of convincing me that – yes- my perfect match is out there, just waiting for me to find him. The thing that keeps stopping me is the ridiculous frustration and discouragement that have followed my last several attempts at online dating (or really, dating in general). I swore that I would NEVER do it again. It almost felt worse than not dating at all because some of the matches I saw made me go: “Are you kidding me? This is the best that’s out there?!” Or, I’d go on a few dates, and like every other guy since X and my last crush, there’d be absolutely no chemistry or interest on my end whatsoever.

Given that, I’ve been on a self-imposed dating diet for quite some time now. And as much as I remain incredibly discouraged about dating and my seeming inability to even develop a ‘crush’ on someone, I figure that I’m not getting any further by throwing in the towel on dating all together either. I’m not ready to commit to online dating again just yet, but I’m thinking about it.

Going back and reading some of my older posts about my online dating experiences and thoughts are not helping the cause right now….I’d better give it a few more days…

14
Mar
09

cautious optimism

So I had a date on Thursday night. I hadn’t mentioned it in my blog, because I was sure it would be another disappointment – following the same pattern of other blind dates/guys I had met online.  Imagine my surprise when I actually enjoyed this date! I wouldn’t say the sparks were flying, but there is definitely potential, which is more than I can say for the rest of my dates.

Unlike other guys I had met online, I actually communicated with this guy for about two weeks via email before we decided to meet. Usually, it would be 2-3 emails and then coffee. I think this was a much better way to go, because we got to know a lot more about each other and the more I found out about him, the more I liked him and was curious to meet. It was hard not to get excited about the date, because he sounded fantastic – super nice, lots of questions and we seemed to have a lot in common. But I was worried that what seeemed good ‘on paper’ wouldn’t transate in person. Luckily, it did. We had great conversation, lots to say, lots in common and although the physical attraction wasn’t super strong – I do think he’s cute. To-date, probably the best blind date I’ve been on. We had already planned our second date before we finished our first! And – would you believe that today is my birthday, and S. (my date) was the first one to call me today and wish me a happy birthday? Hmmmm….:)

Now it’s up to me not to get freaked out that this could actually be something – provided that connection/spark starts to grow. Thank goodness I listened to my best friend C. and avoided the Starbucks first date like all of my other blind dates – maybe it made my luck start to turn….I’m cautiously optimistic.

23
Feb
09

Random thoughts from the weekend…

Alright – so I’m too tired to come up with a clever title for this one.

I had a great weekend! First of all, it was Spring Break week at my work, which meant some professional development sessions for staff. On Friday, I went to one of the most inspiring lectures of my life! One of our well-known faculty gave a talk about some of his life experiences; notably, losing his brother-in-law in a mountain climbing accident in New Zealand and having to keep himself alive overnight in -30C weather wearing shorts and a t-shirt. His brother-in-law basically saved his life by refusing to accept his outstretched hand, and he describes this as the one second that changed his life. His outlook on life has been completely different since – his entire lecture was about seizing the day, taking advantage of opportunities that come your way (or looking for the not so obvious opportunities!), and seeing the positive in everything – even tragedy. It’s hard to really put into words how moving this lecture was for me. I think that it just came at the right time in my life –  I’ve been thinking about some life changes, and looking for all the reasons why I shouldn’t do it. I’m starting to see that maybe there’s a reason I’m still single, and the universe is trying to tell me that there’s something else I’m suppsed to be doing; taking advantage of the opportunities in my single life, instead of bitching about it. Needless to say, I have a bit of a different outlook on things right now.

Friday night, I went with my friend J. to see the movie “He’s Just Not That Into You.” FANTASTIC! I expected a cute chick-flick, but not much else. But I enjoyed it much more than I thought I would! J. and I are big fans of the book, and it actually translated really well to the screen. It was funny to be in the theatre with all these women and hear everyone “ooooh” and “aahhh” and “tsk” at the same moments. You definitely got the sense that most of us had been there! I highly recommend it as a great girl’s night out. My only complaint – the whole premise of the book and the movie is that single girls need to remind themselves that they are the rule, and not the exception. However, the movie doesn’t exactly end that way. This was kind of disappointing – I sort of hoped they would show that a single girl’s life can still be great, even if “He’s Just Not That Into You.” Regardless, this book is a must read and the movie is a must-see for single girls everywhere. Trust me.

In other updates this week, I have made the decision NOT to email my last crush. I figure – what do I want to get out of it? I’ll end up waiting for some reply that won’t make me feel any better. And at the end of the day, the fact that he’s engaged will have to suffice as enough closure for me. We went on a few dates and it didn’t work out. Really, while I wish him the best, I don’t owe him a congrats – and emotionally,  it’s not worth it.

The eHarmony quest is still ongoing. I float back and forth from seeing this as ‘seizing opportunities’ (as mentioned above), and being just a big pain in my a$$. Here’s the thing about online dating – if you’re really serious about it, it’s actually a lot of work! It’s exhausting to read and weed through all those matches; especially when you don’t know enough about the person to be really ‘excited’ about communicating with them – so you have to push through the first few stages in order to really find out more, and see if it’s been worth all your time. Someone recently gave me the analogy that online dating is like working in sales; you make 10 cold calls, hope to get 3 prospects, and might get 1 sale out of those. Well – I have looked at over 100 matches since I rejoined eHarmony, and I’m only communicating with 2 of them. So, the stats are not necessarily so good but as my mom says, it only takes one. We’ll see what happens.

In other news, I haven’t had any communication with X in weeks. Not so sure it’s newsworthy, but for the first time, I kind of don’t care. If he calls to see how things are, great – it would be nice to catch-up. But I wrote him two messages back in January and never heard back so what’s the point? It’s kind of funny that sometimes it takes a completely, non-dramatic ‘event’ to make you see the light. One of my friends once told me that maybe if I stopped trying so hard to have a friendship with X, it would just happen naturally. I’m starting to think he might be right.

Hmm….what else in random thoughts of the week….

Oh – I have a wee little crush on Dev Patel from Slumdog Millionaire. Another fantastic movie that I saw on Saturday  night during my girl’s night with B. I wasn’t sure I would like it because I’m not usually into the underdog/independent films, but it was such a sweet movie. Yes – he’s 18, but what a cutie, and so sincerely amazed and humbled by this new found success. And his British accent makes him that much more adorable. And the little kids in this movie??? To die for (check out this interview – it will definitely make you smile!). Thoroughly enjoyed the Oscars last night too – the best broadcast of it that I’ve seen, and I agree with all the winning choices.  All in all – a great Single Girl’s weekend.

17
Feb
09

Two Degrees of Separation

six_degrees_smallI’m back readers. After a 9 day vacation to the sunny south, I’m back to reality (and the cold). The vacation was a blast, and even though I travelled with B & C and was worried about the third wheel thing, everything turned out fine and we had a blast together.

It’s funny that I just traveled with about 2000 strangers on a cruise ship to three different islands, and yet I come home and am amazed at how small the world really is. I don’t know if it’s because I live in, what big city folks would call, a ‘small town’ (it’s a city of about 350,000 people) but I seem to be the most intraconnected person I know. While I was going through all of the eharmony matches that were delivered while I was on vacation, lo and behold there was a guy on the list that I have already met before – I friend of a close relative of mine.  Not someone I’d date for several reasons, but it was just one more instance in which I find myself bizarrely connected to random people who should have nothing to do with each other!

Now, as a single incident, this wouldn’t even be worth mentioning, But I find that in my life, 6 degrees of separation is always more like 2 degrees. And I know many of my friends and family would agree with this statement. It wasn’t that big of a deal at first, because this happens to everyone. But it seems to keep happening to me – over, and over in the most random ways. Everyone I meet is connected to someone else I know, and not always in a good way – especially when it comes to past crushes. This ‘intraconnection’ is what has caused a lot of the issues with my X, has made it incredibly difficult to get over my last crush, and is making it even more difficult to accept some of the people that have recently come back into my life in the most random way. I’m hoping that eventually this 2 degrees of separation is going to work in my favour – in terms of my single life or otherwise. But man – sometimes I just want to pick-up and go somewhere where no one knows me, and I don’t have to deal with any drama that accumulates from being bizarrely connected to the most random people; taking advantage of my single life instead of complaining about it by picking up, and just going somewhere new.

Hmm….something to think about…

02
Feb
09

All The Small Things

When you’re suffering from a crushing emotional blow or a heartache (like I am right now – and yes – I realize I sound dramatic), sometimes you find yourself celebrating the small victories, or find solace in the small things that otherwise, might not be as significant. In this particular situation, I have to say that I’m taking solace in an ever-so-small victory of my own, despite how ‘small’ it might make me seem as a person…

At the same time I updated my eHarmony membership, I also ended up going back to update another dating site that my friend and I signed me up for months ago…I hadn’t paid any attention to it really, since I don’t have the patience to sort through all those matches myself (the benefit to eHarmony being that they do that for you). But – once I had signed in, it must have been reflected in my account because all of a sudden, I got a few messages. Here’s the kicker: one was from X. That’s right – my ex. My profile is extremely vague, with no pictures, so I’m 99.9% confident he didn’t know it was me. And yes – I got some satisfaction from that – and if that makes me a bad person, so be it. I guess because it made me feel like maybe he’s feeling as lonely as I am, and is trying the same non-traditional approaches to trying to meet someone; and X is not someone who admits to being lonely (or any other kind of emotion…AT ALL), so it seems that much more significant. Don’t think the irony isn’t lost on me either – the fact that he thought we’d be a good match. Let’s just say that it didn’t strengthen my faith in online dating! But, with yesterday being an emotional day, I went back to that ever-so-small satisfaction and savoured it…just a little bit.

Today I tried to write my last crush an email to say congratulations on his engagement – not something he’d think was out of the ordinary, since we’d been in touch sporadically. But I kept staring at a blank screen feeling nauseous, not sure what to say without sounding too over the top “I’m-over-you-and-don’t-care-that-you’re-engaged”. I’m not even sure if I’m more upset because it’s him being engaged….or because it feels like it’s everyone else AND him. But I think I need to send the email for me, to close the door for good. I’ve already deleted his contact info out of my cell phone and email, so it seems like the last step to letting go. I guess I’m just really afraid of the message that is bound to come back….

#15 on my Single Girl’s Survival List: I’m vegging out tonight watching 2 hours of The Bachelor and then, The City. Need I say more?

01
Feb
09

Buyer’s Remorse

It’s only been a few days and already, I’m experiencing buyer’s remorse from my eHarmony membership.

You know when you get drunk and end up with a really, really bad hangover? When you have your head in the toilet and you’re repeating to yourself “I’m never drinking alcohol again”, and thinking that you’d give absolutely anything to make your nausea and pounding headache go away? I’m one of those people who actually remembers that feeling. That’s why I rarely get drunk – I know that I’m going to regret it the next day and be wishing I’d never done it.

Well – the same goes for online dating. After giving it a shot for 6 months, I told myself that I wasn’t going through that again. Sorting through all the ‘matches’ (although few of them seem like matches at all), the emailing back and forth with the same questions over and over, the awkward first date with the small talk conversation, and then the awkward ‘do we, or do we not want to see each other again’ half-conversation. And so far, it hasn’t been worth it, and I can’t even say I’ve really learned anything from the experience(s). Last time, I promised myself that I was done with online dating. I know that many people have found it to be fun, and successful – but my instincts just tell me that this is not the way I’m meant to meet someone. Not because I’m ‘above’ online dating, or that I don’t think it works – but I just don’t feel like it’s the right avenue for me.

But – here I am, going through it again. And so far, the matches I’ve been sent (more than a dozen) are not promising and I remember why I promised myself I wasn’t going to do it again. I find myself saying “Well, he doesn’t sound terrible….so I guess so.” Or “I guess he sounds…alright.” Granted it’s only been a few days, but I went through this for six months before and I just feel like I’m settling for meeting guys who are just…’OK’. Not that there seems to be anything… wrong with any of them….but I feel like they’re just not matches for me…Maybe this makes me sound snobby or arrogant (as perhaps “Anona” would agree) but I don’t care…my blog = my thoughts, and that’s just how I feel. My best friend C. reminded me tonight that I should just look at this as something fun, and stop taking it so seriously. Heck, I don’t even have to keep checking my matches if I don’t want to – C. has committed to keeping me tuned to anyone who is not to be missed. So, since I’m paid up for the next three months, I’ll take her up on it and just try to forget about it.

In other news, an emotional blow today in finding out that my ‘last crush’ (as he’s come to be known in this blog) is now engaged. This shook me up, as I was not at all expecting it, having no idea that he was even seeing anyone. We hadn’t had any communication in months, and although we’re connected in several different ways (via work colleagues and our parents) I had no idea he was no longer single. As shocked as I am, I can’t say I’m surprised as I knew someone like him wouldn’t stay single for long – I was surprised he was even single when I met him. In the short time we were seeing each other, I could see what a kind, genuine and sincere guy he was. Ambitious, family-oriented, fun and just enjoyable to be around. I’ve never gone into the details of this crush in my blog because…well..I never felt for anyone the way I felt for him… and I guess I just wanted to keep it for myself. Truth be told, I was convinced that us not being together was purely a timing thing, and that down the road – it was a possibility. I had never fallen so instantly for someone and had it be mutual – the chemistry AND everything else I always new I wanted in someone. Even in my last relationship, I can’t say I was always 100% secure in how X felt about me….but with this one, it was just easy…and natural…and I never doubted he felt it too. Long story short: the timing wasn’t right and the distance between us (geographically) wasn’t allowing it to work. But needless to say, I had fallen hard – and quick. Very unlike me, which is why I think I thought it might have been something more…

In all fairness, C. reminded me that I never really had the chance to get to know all of him – and that by knowing all these wonderful things about him in a short period of time, I never had the opportunity to learn the ‘not-good’ things; the things that obviously meant he wasn’t the one for me. So, I put him up on a pedestal and haven’t looked down since. Now I’m forced to get closure on it…to give it up. And it sucks. A lot. And I’m crushed. And I’ve had a good long cry, and probably will again. And that’s just how it is. Thank goodness I have a vacay this week to take my mind off things….

P.S. To my best friend C. – thanks for saying all the right things. Love you!




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