Posts Tagged ‘rant


acting our age

I’m starting to feel old.

I’m only 28 (29 in March). To me, this is NOT old. In fact, I would consider myself to be a “young professional.” But things are happening around me that are really starting to make me feel like I’m living in a time warp; one that’s warping me forward…

I’ve said before on this blog that I’m surrounded by an unusual group of friends; unusual in the sense that all three couples around me have been together since their high school/early university days. So, it’s NOT unusual that they have gotten married and are now in the stage of parenthood (one couple with a baby, and one couple with one on the way). As you can imagine, the transition from having friends, to having friends who are parents, has been an interesting one. B&C have done really well with the adjustment, and it seems our social life as remained some semblance of normalcy since Mr.C (as we affectionately call him) was born. But now that L&J are pregnant (side note: they just turned 26 and 27) and Mr.C is getting a bit older, things are starting to change.

I don’t remember the last time we all went out and had drinks. Actually, I don’t remember that last time we all went out AT ALL! Our Saturday nights typically consist of us gathering at somebody’s house, maybe watching a hockey game and playing some board games. And B&C’s annual NYE party will be the same this year as it has been for the last seven years – a get together at their place with the same people (99% of whom are couples). I haven’t gone for the last 2 years, partly because X has been there and partly because it just got too emotionally difficult to be the only single person there. And don’t get me wrong, I’m all for not spending a fortune on NYE, which to me – is really just another day. But at the same time, wouldn’t it be nice for us to switch it up? Spend a little money one night, get dressed up and celebrate like we’re actually IN our 20s and not in our 40s???  This leaves me torn between wanting to do something more our age – like a hip party at a swanky hotel (my option this year), and wanting to spend NYE with my favourite friends. The problem is, I will never get to do both.

And it’s not just New Year’s. I had a Christmas party this weekend – I have thrown it every year for the last five, and it’s always a late-night/early morning good time. This year? Half of my guests were gone by 11:30pm. B&C had to go home with Mr C. and L&J (the pregnant couple) were tired as well, so….

I understand that this is what life is like when you have a baby, so I can’t blame them. But all it made me think about was how this is the direction that our lives are headed, and I’m not sure where that’s going to leave me in a couple of years. I feel soooooo far away from parenthood, and am feeling really sad thinking about how I’m going to fit in once the babies continue to come. Already, ALL conversations turn to baby or pregnancy. And THAT makes me feel old. And as much as I could take that in stride when it was about everybody else’s wedding, the baby talk is much, much harder to take because it’s a constant reminder that my friends are moving farther and farther away from the life I’m living. No one talks about dating, or what they did last Saturday night, a cute guy they met, or a cool party or new restaurant they tried.  I worry about how I will maintain these close friendships when I’m starting to feel such a large invisible age gap and our interests and lives are starting to go in different directions.

I mean, we have SO MUCH TIME for house parties and early nights. Should I be feeling old at age 28?? Am I the only one who thinks that 26 is young to be having babies?? Am I crazy for wishing that sometimes, we would act our age?


Merry Christmas Charlie Brown

I’m sitting here on the couch watching A Charlie Brown Christmas on TV – an old, childhood favourite. Suddenly, it donned on me. I AM CHARLIE BROWN.

Charlie Brown: I think there must be something wrong with me, Linus. Christmas is coming, but I’m not happy. I don’t feel the way I’m supposed to feel. I just don’t understand Christmas, I guess. I like getting presents and sending Christmas cards and decorating trees and all that, but I’m still not happy. I always end up feeling depressed.

Linus: Charlie Brown, you’re the only person I know who can take a wonderful season like Christmas and turn it into a problem.

AMAZING how a cartoon character can summarize exactly what I’m feeling at this exact point in time. Thank you Charles Schulz.

Christmas is tough when you’re single. There’s just no getting around it, really. I used to really love Christmas. I was one of those ‘annoying’ people who played Christmas carols 24/7, couldn’t wait to decorate, and would start the Christmas countdown in November. As I’ve gotten older, the holiday build-up and excitement has slowly started to wain, and now I just find the whole thing too emotionally draining. I can’t blame it on the singleness alone – I think that as we get older, that whole ‘magic’ of Christmas tends to fade a bit, but being lonely certainly doesn’t help. And I am lonely.

Here’s a question. Why are the most emotionally difficult holidays all grouped together? Christmas, New Year’s, Valentine’s Day, and for me, my birthday. BRUTAL. When you’re single, you can’t not feel alone when everyone around you is happily in love and enjoying the holidays with significant others. I even find it difficult to enjoy time with family over the holidays because I am now the only grandchild on both sides of my family who is STILL single (with lots of cousins). I HATE that this is what I inevitably end up focusing on this time of year, but it’s like everything I do and everywhere I go, I’m reminded of the fact that I’m alone. I’m lucky to have friends and family, and I know many people don’t. But at the same time, I find it so easy to feel lonely in a crowded room these days…

Do any of you single folks out there agree with me that the regularity of the holidays is part of what makes it so hard year, after year? Each of these holi-days is an anniversary of the ones before. So inevitably, I find myself thinking about where I’m going to be at this time next year, and where I was at this time last year – and year, after year I find myself hoping that 365 days from now, I will have someone special in my life to share the holidays with. Six years running, I have been disappointed. I find it hard to stay positive…

Keeping me going are my plans for New Year’s. Although my European trip fell through (VERY long story that ended in a canceled flight with a $450 cancellation fee), my friend JD and I decided to stay a little closer to home and booked a 3-day trip to Quebec City; the “Europe” of Canada 🙂 I am torn about missing the annual party at B&C’s as I missed it last year as well. But, I’m not emotionally strong enough to handle it at this point in time and as much as I will miss the party and all my friends there, I’m looking forward to celebrating New Year’s with a great friend.

Despite this ‘pity party’ post (and I realize it IS just that, but that’s why I created this blog for ME), I am going to do my very best to work on keeping myself happy this holiday season, as was reminded by my fellow blogger Mel. In the mean time, I’ll leave you with this little thought from my Charlie Brown friend, Linus:

“I never thought it was such a bad little tree. It’s not bad at all, really. Maybe it just needs a little love.”


Guy Wanted

I’m sure that all the single girls out there miss the same things I do about being being in a couple – the kissing, the cuddling, the phone calls, the texts, the companionship, the friendship, and yes – the sex. But sometimes, it’s the little random things about just having a GUY around, that I miss.

For example, this week I had to take my car in for an oil change. No big deal, I’ve done this plenty of times on my own and don’t need a guy to ‘help’ me. But, the mechanic who was taking my information at the garage asked me if I wanted to do the ‘third level’ tune-up, and went on to explain what that entailed. Well, you know what? I had no idea what he was talking about. But of course, he went on about how it’s really important that I get this done because I’ve passed X number of kilometres and winter is coming, blah, blah, blah. And while he seemed pretty sincere, I couldn’t help but wonder if he was just trying to ‘up-sell’ me (as is his job.) So, I half-heartedly agreed, but asked them to calculate the price first. Well. It was almost $300, compared to the $72 I would pay for the regular tune-up. Thing is, I didn’t know what to do!! I mean, does my car really need all that maintenance before winter?! Maybe it does! It sounded legit. But I am a “girl’s girl “and not ashamed to admit it. I know SQUAT about cars and maintenance, and all I was thinking at that moment, is how badly I wish I had a guy around to ask (or, just take the car in for me 🙂 So, it’s quite possible I could break down on the side of the highway this winter because I wasn’t sure whether or not to buy into what was, or was not, just a sales pitch.

In the same week, my washing machine started leaking. Yep. Water all over the floor. But of course, I had to wait a few days until my Dad had time to come over and look at it. AND – my stupid, sliding closet door has been broken/off its hinges for more than a month now, and although I have tried to fix it on my own, I’m just not tall or strong enough to get it back on the track. IT SUCKS. Every morning I have to get my coat and shoes out, I curse that stupid door and the fact that I have been too embarrassed to ask one of my guy friends (or my Dad) to come over and fix it for me (because I know it only takes 2 seconds). Should have had my Dad fix it while he was here the other night… DUH.

Anyway, I’m not saying that girls can’t do this kind of stuff. I’ve gotten used to doing a lot of things on my own and know that I am perfectly capable of doing just about anything –   if I looked up instructions online, or made the effort to try and learn more about cars, and plumbing etc., I could do it. One day, I’m sure I’ll be grateful that I lived on my own and learned to fend for myself. The thing is, it would just be nice sometimes to have a guy around to help. I hate taking out the kitchen garbage…with a passion. I hate having to do all the cleaning by myself. I hate having to do laundry, especially folding and ironing, by myself. I hate cooking by myself. I hate grocery shopping and carrying all the bags upstairs…by myself. There’s no splitting errands or crappy chores when you’re single.


and then there was one

It’s official. My friends are married. I am now the only single in our group of 9. C&A’s wedding was absolutely beautiful – stunning. And I had a ton of fun. It also marked my last (and 6th) duty as a bridesmaid/maid of honour. It’s a lot of work and time being in a wedding, but the day-of is always so much fun. So, as excited as I am to be done with the stress of the costs and planning, it’s strange not to have a wedding to look forward to being in. Actually, for the first time in I don’t know how long, I don’t have ANY weddings on my calendar – none to be in, and none to go to. I think my bank account could use the break 🙂

Lonely_boat_by_jordanrusevOf course, now that these weddings are over – all talk has turned to babies. I didn’t think it would happen so fast, but the couples that I know have been together for a long time (since high-school for most of them), and many of them living together for awhile so they don’t see the need to wait. As excited as I am for my friends to start this part of their lives, it’s hard not to feel like they’ve set sail on a ship that I’m not on; like I’m on a completely different ship, going in the opposite direction.

As bad as this might sound, I was actually looking forward to getting back to our ‘normal’ lives and conversations again – we’ve had three weddings in our group in the last year and a half, so there’s been a lot of wedding talk. A LOT. Don’t get me wrong – I enjoyed helping two of my best friends plan their weddings. But, I find it difficult sometimes to continually have conversations about things that don’t apply to me, or that I can’t contribute to. Already, talk has turned to the dos and don’ts of pregnancy, getting pregnant, having babies etc, etc so it feels like the cycle is starting all over again.

As a 27 year-old single woman, I want to talk about the dos and don’ts of dating, and work, and careers and travel – so I can’t help but feel like I’m at a completely different life stage than the rest of my friends. I love going out with my single girlfriends (the two that I have!) We have much more in common, and share similar stories and can relate to each other – not just about being single, but about our interests, our plans, our jobs etc. The good thing is that I’m content with that – I don’t want to get married right now. I don’t want to be pregnant. I don’t want to be at that life stage yet. I want do the ‘single things’ now, and save the other stuff for later; there’s still plenty of time for me to do all that. But it scares me – because I’m afraid that these differences in interests, and life stages and conversations are going to separate me from my other, very close friends. Because as happy as I am for them, it’s difficult. It’s difficult to feel like I’m behind – when really – I’m not! But they now have all these shared experiences in common, and I don’t. And while I can’t imagine not being there when the babies start arriving, I’m feeling a little left out; like the rest of them will have these common bonds and experiences that I can’t share in. I’m sure my fears are unwarranted, but it’s hard to say what will happen – friends have gone their separate ways over much less. Funny part is, I don’t have this fear about my relationships with each couple individually; I only find it difficult when we’re all in a group and talking about this kind of stuff.

Safe to say, the relationship dynamics of our group will probably change – but here’s hoping that my friends will let me take a sail on their boat once and awhile, and hopefully they’ll want to sail on mine.


Moving on…

DSCN0182So I promised to update on my weekend and the anxiety that accompanied last week…

The bottom line of all of it is that I found out that X has a new GF. How did I find out? Yep – completely fell of the wagon (after hearing that he had been in a car accident) and emailed to see how he was doing and what was new. He told me he had “kind of, just started seeing someone.” Now – to my complete and pleasant surprise, this actually didn’t bother me as much as I had anticipated it would. Maybe because it was new, and didn’t sound all that serious. Maybe because I feel like I’ve finally gotten to a point where I can recognize that my issues with X aren’t so much with him, the person, but with what he represented in my life. But, the second I found out that X was bringing her to C’s surprise birthday party (that I was co-hosting with B), I completely freaked out. It’s one thing to be OK with an X moving on, but it’s another thing to have to deal with seeing them together, being around them, sharing mutual friends. It’s something I didn’t have to worry about with X and his x-girlfriend, because she lived out of town and we never had to really hang out together. Plus, B&C didn’t really like her so there was never really any instances where we all had to hang out. But for some reason, this one hit me particularly hard. I think part of it was because it made me realize that his relationship with her is probably more serious than I initially thought, and that it’s unlikely he’s dating widely inappropriate people anymore – I mean – this could be the girl he ends up with! Why do I care about that? I don’t know.

As ridiculous as it sounds, part of me just thinks that it’s completely unfair that X has had two relationships since our break-up, and I am in the same spot that I was when we broke up five years ago. I know it’s not a competition, and it’s not that I see it like that – but at the same time, I just don’t understand why he has been lucky enough to meet people that he can have a relationship with, and I am still lonely, alone and waiting. I just didn’t want to have that reminder shoved in my face on Saturday night, while I already had to deal with the fact that I was the only single person at the party.

Unfortunately for me, I’ve always been the kind of person whose emotions completely overrun her body. All week, I was nauseous and sleep-deprived, just dreading having to deal with Saturday. And when the day finally came, I had a full blown panic attack at the party, just before X and his gf arrived (only the second time in my life that has ever happened). I was ready to just walk out the door, and honestly didn’t think I was going to be able to get it together. The entire night, I didn’t eat one morsel of food, and I didn’t drink anything but water – I felt physically ill the entire night. I don’t know why I couldn’t get a grip. I don’t know why X having a GF bothers me so much. I don’t know why I can’t let him go. I don’t know why I can’t listen to the advice of those around me and just cut him off once and for all. I don’t know why I still insist on hanging on to something that brings me nothing but misery and sadness. I don’t know why I can’t see X for the jerk that he is (and he is). I don’t know why I feel this inexplicable, incessant need to carry on a relationship with someone who doesn’t respect me, and doesn’t really seem to care about me either.

The one good thing that came out of the party was this: my brother (who attended as well), got into the car on our way home and said to me (having had a few drinks): “Man – X is really an a**.” If you knew my brother, you’d know that he is someone who never has a bad word to say about anyone. He likes everyone, and everyone likes him. Even when people are at less than their best, he can always see the positive and had always been the one trying to help me see things from X’s point of view. But to hear him say that he thinks X is a jerk (actually – his choice of words were a little more explicit!) made me feel completely justified in finally starting to see X for the jerk he is. I had always defended X as being a nice, caring guy who has had some asshole moments. But really, he’s a  jerk more often than he is a nice guy. And his actions towards me over the last year or two have been less than kind – in fact – they’ve been downright rude and cruel. Who wants someone like that in their life, no matter how much they may have meant to you at one point? Seeing X move on is certainly not easy, and I’m going to have to keep my distance from him (even if it means keeping some distance from B&C too). But it just means I’m going to reassess the relationships in my life and decide which ones are the most important – which ones are good for me and which ones aren’t.

And while I’m on that note, there was another good thing that came out of the party. I realized that I have the absolute, bestest best friend in the entire world. Honestly, C. (not to be confused with C. of B&C) was the only reason I got through the night. Not only was she never further then steps from my side all night, but she did everything she could to make sure that I was OK, and not in the eye-line of X and his GF. When I freaked out and panicked, she just stayed with me and asked what I needed her to do. And even when there was nothing she could do but just be there, she was. I don’t know what I’d do without her. Having people like her in my life make me realize the kinds of friends that I want to surround myself with. And they don’t include X.

I suspect this won’t be the last you hear on this story…


Is he, or isn’t he?

I have to tell you. From the moment I heard Greg Behrendt speak on Oprah about his book “He’s Just Not That Into You” – I was a total believer. I had been in many of the situations that he spoke about, and I was just like the girls in the book: analyzing every word of every conversation some guy ever spoke to me, and trying to figure out what it all meant. For all the time I spent trying to convince myself that these guys really were “that into me”, I’m surprised that I had never grasped the concept before – that if he really cared, he would make it clear. Needless to say, I bought the book and have been a true believer in this concept every since…until now.

oprahHaving said that, it’s one thing to believe it and an entirely different thing to live it. I think the reason why women continue to over-analyze is because we know we’re not getting the answer we want. We want to think of every single scenario, other than the fact that the guy we like, might not like us too. And I’ve been there, many times….

But – here’s my beef.

I have rarely known guys who are that early in the game (and it IS a game) – to mean what they say, and say what they mean.

I have met guys who I was 100% sure were into me. And next thing you know, I find myself questioning how I could have possibly misread the “signs” – and then I’m questioning every single guy from here on out, thinking that no guy could possibly be into me, because I was 100% sure then, so how can I be 100% sure now? How do you know whether or not a guy is being truthful? Whether or not he’s just “taking you on” as a challenge? Or, just looking for a warm body to keep from being lonely (I DO believe that guys get lonely too), or he’s playing the field with you and several others? He could be giving you all the signs and saying all the things that don’t even make you think to question whether or not he’s into you. He clearly is. But then – he drops off the face of the earth, or accuses you of making “unfair” assumptions about the state of your relationship. And is that really fair?? How are you ever really supposed to know?

This entire post stems from the recent experience of my friend JD. Long story short:

  • Friendship/on-going fling with guy a few years back
  • Runs into guy, now with LIVE-IN GIRLFRIEND, recently on business trip
  • Guy sends text message to JD, at her hotel, night of business function with suggestive implications
  • Guy contacts JD when back in the country about professional opportunity
  • JD helps Guy
  • Guy declines opportunity, but writes very suggestive email about how much he was looking forward to the opportunity to spend more time with her, and how disappointed he is that they’re not going to get to see each other on a regular basis (might sound harmless, but the tone was unquestioningly suggestive and inappropriate for a guy with a live-in girlfriend).

I told JD that she should just write back and ask: “What is that supposed to mean?” But, we all know exactly what would have happened. Although Guy was making unquestionably suggestive comments with inappropriate undertones, he would have turned it back on JD with “What did what mean?” “It didn’t “mean” anything, you’re just overanalyzing….” He knew exactly what he was doing though – he was being safe by not being explicit about what it was that he truly wanted, but knew that he had an out if she questioned him.

UGH!! I was so angry when she told me that story! I hate it that guys know exactly what they’re doing when they write a message like that – they know exactly what they want, and they know exactly how we’ll take it. And yet – they leave themselves an out in case it doesn’t work out their way, and that “out” always ends up making the girl look like she’s being a demanding and clingy. So even if you were to flat-out, straight-up call him out on his motives, you’re still in the same boat trying to figure out whether or not you misread the “signs.” (Greg Behrendt argues that there are no ‘signs’). And before people start writing angry comments – yes – I know there are women who are just as manipulative, but this is a single girl blog…I’m just talking about my experiences with men (or should I say boys…).

So – the debate rages on. Is he into you, or isn’t he? And will we ever know…


Single Bitter Female

I’m starting to witness one of my worst fears coming true. Being single for this long is starting to make me bitter and cynical. Nobody wants to be this way of course, and the worst part about it is that who’s going to want to date me if I’m bitter and cynical? But, as time goes on and the loneliness becomes increasingly palpable, it’s hard to keep believing in the whole thing – love, partnership, marriage even…

The more I think about romantic love as a concept, the more I start to think about how impossible and big it really seems for me. My parents have a wonderful marriage, and my friends are marrying, or are married to, some of the best guys that I know. It’s not that I doubt that these are wonderful, and loving relationships. I just have a really hard time wrapping my head around the fact that it will ever happen to me. Your family is born loving you. Your friends grow to love you, and those relationships can last a lifetime. But the thought of someone growing to love me to the extent that he would want to spend every day for the rest of his life with me, just seems kind of unbelieveable. Because I feel this way, I find myself just….wishing that I wasn’t bombarded with”it” all the time. I went to a friend’s wedding shower this weekend, and it was hard. I find that sometimes I’m completely fine, and sometimes, the uncertainty of it all hits me harder than I expect. I found myself holding back tears at some points in the afternoon, as I started thinking: “I don’t think this will ever be me.” I started having a hard time swallowing all the stupid wedding jokes, and the cheesey questions about when ‘she’ knew ‘he’ was the one, and what ‘she’ loves most about ‘him’ etc. I was internally rolling my eyes throughout the whole thing, as we passed the gifts of mixing bowls, place settings and bath towels around. It’s the one thing I hate about not being invovled in a wedding or wedding shower planning – nothing to keep me distracted from my own emotional instability!

I don’t want to be bitter and cynical – I don’t think anyone does. But it gets harder and harder the more I’m surrounded by people who are finding those special people for their lives. I’ve been single for almost FIVE YEARS. People I know have lapped me on relationships more than once over! It’s frustrating when I feel like I’m a good catch, and I know that I could grow to love someone, more than anything – love is all or nothing with me. And yet, I feel like I’ll never get to share that with anyone – and to be honest, some days….it just doesn’t feel fair. So when it doesn’t feel fair, I feel like being bitter and is the only other way for me to deal with it – like it will make me start to convince myself that I DON’T really want to be in some sappy, all-consuming relationship with someone, and then I’ll actually start to believe it. I’m not sure if this is making any sense readers, and I’m suddenly starting to feel really vulnerable having put all this out there.

At the end of the day, I’m lonely and bitter. And I want not to be either.


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